Today I published Chasing Uncertainty, my second Cento poetry compilation. Centos are similar to blackout poetry, and this arrangement is created from All The Black Girls are Activists by ebonyjanice.

These poems are based in Transfeminist Womanism—a synthesis of Transfeminism and Womanism—and were created with Black transfemmes in mind. All are welcome to read and resonate with these pieces, but Black transfemmes remain the primary audience.

Feel free to share your thoughts with me once you read it or as you read it, and I’d deeply appreciate it if you shared/reblogged this when you see it, to help expand its reach 💖

If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it. (Zora Neale Hurston) I feel physically ill when I think back over my life and consider all the times something hurt me, offended me, and caused harm to me, but for the sake of not ruffling any feathers, I did not make any noise. I didn’t say “ouch” when it hurt. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t let out a heavy sigh. I held my face in an impassive expression, and I was “strong.” I didn’t let them get to me. I didn’t let them sway me. I didn’t say anything. Always because I knew that Black girl Madness was not allowed. Black girls can’t scream, can’t cuss, can’t fuss can’t sob, can’t kick, can’t punch, can’t wallow, can’t be in a rage. Why? because either nobody believes in our pain because “Black girls are strong” or because “Mad Black girls are dangerous,” and nobody is safe around a dangerous Black girl. The more I pursue true liberation, the more I wonder, where did all the rage go that I did not give to the moment? “I got a lot to be Mad about”) To be Mad is radical) ((in a world that forces us to contain ourselves to a strict meaning of sanity)) Black trans girls explore their Madness) When I use the word “Mad” I am referring to both my righteous anger ((and the fact that I am not sane.)) My right to be furious, incensed, and exhausted) and to do so without suffering social sanction) Code switching is to show assimilation) as if Black trans women have no rights to their anger) Madness demonstrates that I’ve never had a “right”) What space is there for a Black trans girl to be mad? Society and even our families ((and friends)) will use our madness against us) The violent narrative is so deeply ingrained in society) So many of us code-switch out of our anger, our Madness, our frustration, and our bitterness of a regular basis) We have grown to associate our “Madness” with the pain of loss and isolation) So Black women reject the feeling altogether) Some of us fall so hard into Madness that we don’t have any space or room for anything else) Imagine living an existence where people only expect madness from you) Judge you for feeling this feeling that you have a natural right to feel) In pursuit of Madness) To suppress our anger is actually violent to us and to our bodies) We do, in fact, have a lot to be Mad about.)

—Anonsee Storyweaver 

Cento arrangement of the chapter In Pursuit of Madness from All The Black Girls Are Activists by ebonyjanice. This is a Cento, akin to blackout poetry - the primary changes are formatting, tense/possessive changes, if more than a single word is added, it is denoted within double parenthesis. If I feel the message of a full paragraph should be heard in this, the full paragraph has been pulled forward in italics even if format has changed.

I shall become a collector of me) I walk through the streets) the sun shining on me especially different) to survive and thrive) to simply be well) you gotta put in the work) My body has a memory of grief while on “American” soil) I know this racism, my bones know this well) What I want is to not be a StrongBlackWoman just because I am a Black Trans Woman who happens to be Strong) I want a chance to be soft) To be tender and act from that tenderness) The safe space from which one expects to be handled as if they are precious) Trust that I have no reason to speak from any place but my fully seated self) All of which were powerful, remained gentle) I want to know what it feels like to be able to remain fully seated in my body) softness is NOT about respectability politics, a certain appearance, widely standardized femininity, money, luxury, or being bougie) Make space for your softness) The opposite of softness is a society that forces Black women to be hard and to only feel safe when being firm, being considered harsh, trusting a lurid disposition, and leaning into the sharpness of life. Being pulled from the seated self to be framed as the aggressor. The opposite of soft is the world’s expectation that we will unseat ourselves to be their expectation of “strength” and that to say something “powerful”, I would have to get out of my spiritual inner seat and my literal seat to speak. You do not have to be a fire for every mountain blocking you. You could be a water and soft river your way to freedom too) being water versus having to burn everything down to get to freedom) the possibility) a chance to be soft) what I deserve is to be able to find safety for myself in ways that don’t require me to sacrifice my ease, calm, sacred seat, or my softness) The “StrongBlackWoman” trope is especially detrimental to Black trans women’s physical and emotional wellbeing) Society places ((this expectation)) on Black trans women to engage in unhealthy, self-sacrificing behavior while ((our needs our ignored, while our lives are exploited, while)) they pretend as if the Black trans woman is not suffering) society expects Black trans women to, in humble compliance, perform and survive grim and arduous tasks with superhuman strength) We are even socialized into describing ourselves as strong) a badge of honor) I wonder who other Black trans girls and Black trans women will get to be if we create soft realities for ourselves) Our softness does not negate our strength whatsoever) Our journey towards that kind of profound, transformative, revolutionary.

- Anonsee Storyweaver

Cento arrangement of the chapter In Pursuit of Softness from All The Black Girls Are Activists by ebonyjanice. This is a Cento, akin to blackout poetry - the primary changes are formatting, tense/possessive changes, if more than a single word is added, it is denoted within double parenthesis. If I feel the message of a full paragraph should be heard in this, the full paragraph has been pulled forward in italics even if format has changed.

I was, in every way of being, loud) I was taught ((by experience)) “how to be a lady”) Being polite, even if people weren’t polite to me) Smiling, even to smile about) Talking in a gentle tone, even if someone else was being aggressive) and not drawing attention to myself, even if there was some issue at hand that needed a firm tone or a slightly raised voice, because “a lady never raises her voice”) I am the embodiment of healing out loud. My outfits are loud) My hair is loud) My smile is loud) My voice is loud) One thing Black girls are going to be consistently accused of, just for showing up and being themselves, is being too much, doing the most, or being too loud—a distraction. Assert loudness through a body like yours) Respectability will not protect you from prejudice and systemic injustices) ((They used to lynch “the good ones” explicitly to make a point)) We will always still be on the outside of the “acceptable” way of being) “What happened leading up to the events?” is proof of your inherent and internal bias against Black trans girls) Is there ever any justification?) You subconsciously believe that Black trans girls might’ve done something to deserve this) Sit with the harsh reality of your socialization. ~~~~~~~ Where you show out is where I show out) As the only Black trans woman in full residency ((within your view)) I experienced consistent violence to my person exacerbated by the fact that these people would claim to be my allies) I debunk the myth that respectability will keep me safe if I am quiet, because the violence of being ignored is just as damaging as the violence we fear we might experience from taking up space and being loud. Because of the intentional invisibility I was experiencing, alongside the violence) I had to call out many folks for their violence towards me) I was not willing to “wait until we got home” or “wait until I tell your father”) Right where you show out is where I’m gonna show out) Should that marginalized or harmed person attempt to bring up that aggression later, what do you think happens? “Oh I didn’t mean it like that”, “That’s not what happened”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, “I don’t remember that moment”. Giving the aggressor power) Demanding labor) Relive the aggression) It was an aggression) ((You and your)) gaslighting So where you show out is where I show out. Go process this in your own time and then find another prayer partner to work it out with because what you’re not going to do is try to gaslight me into believing I didn’t experience the aggression that I just experienced. Ultimately, there is no way to be that will keep us safe in ((a transphobic, transmisogynistic, transmisogynoiristic,) anti-Black society) To contort ourselves to be something that we are not) is to be complicit in our own silencing) to actually experience any form of freedom is to be who we are out loud) There’s something very powerful in the language of actually being yourself) Particularly Black trans girlhood and Black trans womanhood) I know that I am viewed a certain way before I even walk in the room, but I’m still going to walk into the room as myself. I’m still going to show up as my worthy self. There is no freedom to be found in the inauthentic self) There is no safety, no liberation, no revolution there) The freedom to be loud is revolutionary) Loudness is a worthy contribution to our liberation struggle because if there’s one thing a free Black trans girl gon’ be, it’s “too much”.

- Anonsee Storyweaver

Cento arrangement of the chapter In Pursuit of Loudness from All The Black Girls Are Activists by ebonyjanice. This is a Cento, akin to blackout poetry - the primary changes from the original text are formatting, tense/possessive changes, if more than a single word is added, it is denoted within double parenthesis. If I feel the message of a full paragraph should be heard in this, the full paragraph has been pulled forward in italics even if format has changed.

Once upon a time, in a land steeped in white supremacy, a Black transfemme was stolen. You’ve heard this story before. ((A story stolen from her)) It’s a tale as old as time.  It’s called “colonization.” A white person puts a flag down someone’s throat and says “Behold, I have discovered this person”) Colonizers don’t have to do the thing that already exists better to take ownership of it) ((They don’t have to know a single thing about the truth, about the actual story)) Their whiteness offers them a power and authority where they are not credible at all) ((Why is my actual story less true than the lies of those that oppress and use the tools of white supremacy against me?))

—Anonsee Storyweaver 

Cento arrangement of the chapter In Pursuit of Authority from All The Black Girls Are Activists by ebonyjanice. This is a Cento, akin to blackout poetry - the primary changes are formatting, tense/possessive changes, if more than a single word is added, it is denoted within double parenthesis. If I feel the message of a full paragraph should be heard in this, the full paragraph has been pulled forward in italics even if format has changed.

“Your elders have sucked a dick or two or licked a coochie or two or both.” Much of my disconnection from my own identity has been shame) In the strictness of culture) the threat of hell) shame) my young adult years was spent believing that the worst thing I could do is “bring shame”) everybody finding out that I’m some kind of freak) I can think of more shameful activities, however) the terror that was socialized into me) the fear that was keeping me from authenticity) the language of “my body being inherently sinful”) Part of our freedom journey must be to deconstruct, question, and contextualize our irrational fears of shame, pleasure, or our bodies) if I could tell my younger self anything it would be) I wasted so much time feeling guilty) thinking, a lot, about my residual guilt and shame that I was lingering in) I think a part of me wanted to know if they were even willing to reconsider some of their previous positions) “It wouldn’t be the first time.” Affirmation and confirmation in sharing stories that are inherently essential to the freedom and liberation journey) If the younger never says to the elder “I’m about to do this ‘revolutionary’ thing” they might never find out that they’re not the first person in their family to do this revolutionary thing. You are finding out that it is your responsibility to take us higher and heal us forward to the next place in freedom. ((You are not obligated to finish the work, but nor are you able to abandon it.)) I asked, “What do I do at this point? I am living inside a container of fear”) Share personal stories) Experience transparency) It is liberating to reflect on these co-experiences) To gain clarity on the Black future) To simply have the conversation and not leave those behind me on ‘read’) Tell the truth about your journey) offer another language that replaces the shame) Teach those behind me that it is not wise to allow our definition of ‘free’ to be formed by those who are not free themselves) You must be very committed to telling and being the truth) Context matters. The condemnation we come under, especially as Black trans women, has historically been constructed as a means of control and degradation) Your body is a space of healing and wholeness) My body is sin, My body is liberation, My body is divine form and expression, My body is to continue the divine construction) From generation to generation) Consider who is in the way of you telling and being the truth. You will finally have the language that is in your voice. “I want to be myself more than I want anything else in the world.” Surrendering my shame is revolutionary because everything in this society wants me to hate, reject, and resist myself.) In this, the life ((of a Black trans person)) is radical, transformative, and revolutionary. It is essential to the journey to freedom) it is essential to ensuring that the generation to come never has to find out, after the fact, that they wouldn’t be the first to do something like that.

-Anonsee Storyweaver 

Cento arrangement of the chapter In Pursuit of Unashamedness from All The Black Girls Are Activists by ebonyjanice. This is a Cento, akin to blackout poetry - the primary changes are formatting, tense/possessive changes, if more than a single word is added, it is denoted within double parenthesis. If I feel the message of a full paragraph should be heard in this, the full paragraph has been pulled forward in italics even if format has changed.

“All the women were white, and all the Blacks were men.” ((This holds especially true in white supremacy within the trans community.)) Who had a voice) who was noticed) They put their minds, their souls, and their bodies on the line for their joy and those who would come after them) We have all asked questions. We want to go deeper) We have expanded what we mean by Black, what we mean by woman, and what is included in religious experience) What would a revolution that does not cost us our whole spirit, soul, and bodies look like? I love that she isn’t willing to sacrifice everything for it, as women too often have. As Black women too often have. ((As Black trans women too often have.)) And to have more life, to preserve their lives, to do good work, and leave their work in the world. . . You do not see yourself in this work alone) You situate yourself among other Black trans women—artists, activists, writers, spiritualists, and leaders) That they can and must do freedom work with softness, hope, imagination, and dreams. That they are not only allowed to dream, but that she, her friends, this movement are fueled by dreams. You are invited into the tapestry.

—Anonsee Storyweaver 

Cento arrangement of the Forward written by Dr. Monica A. Coleman from All The Black Girls Are Activists by ebonyjanice. This is a Cento, akin to blackout poetry - the primary changes are formatting, tense/possessive changes, if more than a couple words are added, it is denoted within double parenthesis. If I feel the message of a full paragraph should be heard in this, the full paragraph has been pulled forward in italics even if format has changed.

I am weary of the ways of the world) I’ve been in pursuit of the ownership of myself for so long. Searching for me feels like the pursuit of freedom) It feels like revolution) It feels like righteous indignation) The logic of domination, patriarchy, and a culture of violence against the feminine systematically “beat down” upon the bodies, souls, and minds of Black trans women and upon the earth) Strip-mining and the constant rape and sexual violence enacted upon Black trans women) defilement manifests itself so as to ravish, violate, and destroy creation) to exploit and control the production and reproduction capacities of nature) to obliterate the spirit) But my freedom starts with me.  Freedom starts with this body) At the very least, if this body is my own, that gives me a starting point through which to create anything else) at the very least, this body has to be mine) Black trans girls and women decide, no, this body is not for the world to glean and benefit from) That is the beginning of a powerful revolution) I can think about my relationship with my own body and how I can feel very disconnected from the way I look as a result of dysphoria) Society critiques the meaning of my thighs and tries to tell me what my hips mean) Isn’t it ironic the world can benefit from my body while I sit over here suffering from dysphoria?) So I have to process that even while loving my body, it doesn’t get to belong to me) the person who is manifested in this form is a free woman) this belongs to me. this is mine) it is mine to choose what to do with) that in itself is revolutionary)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m weary of the ways of the world” to be in the body and in constant pursuit of the body is a weary-making reality) Carrying the weight of burdens and expectations of the world is too much) It looks like it benefits the folk, the community, the world) but not me) it doesn’t benefit me) you’re not getting the highest version of me) I’m tired) I’m going to lay down burdens and rest where I am sovereign) I’ll return as a more whole version of myself) Historically, Black women have not had permission to decide to create boundaries) Things are going to be different) to change everything) That decision has already started to change things) I’m not holding or carrying all of that anymore) Regardless of whether they want us to or need us to) and the world said “Girl, what? Never! That’s illegal!”) “These ‘women’, not all women”) yet another way that they are taking away our autonomy—the same way that you took my autonomy over my body away from me) We was not being critiqued because we was dressed wrong; we was being critiqued because the world sees our body as wrong) What it is that you’re saying about the body of the person. Same shorts, dress, skirt—different reaction) not the clothes that are “inappropriate” but the body) It is alarming that the dehumanization of the Black transfeminine form is neither experienced as human or allowed to belong to the self) Black trans women’s bodies are a political site, but we deserve our bodies to simply be sites of liberation) When I talk in my regular voice, which is a natural alto and a slightly heavier timbre than a lot of women with higher-pitched voices than my own, the timbre of my voice is often judged as “angry” There is no space in which ((Black trans women)) can actually show up as our whole selves and not have to consider how our bodies will be received) Anti-Black, ((transphobic, transmisogynist, transmisogynoiristic)), patriarchal, white supremacist society intentionally creates the story and the juxtaposition between what is seen as worthy of protection and what is seen as virtuous. It determines who gets to experience protection and who has to fend for themselves. “Ain’t I a woman?” What does “going to go look for my body” look like in conditions where “breath” might not be a conversation even being had?) Reclaiming the breath is reclaiming the body) And if you use holding your breath as a way to escape pain and violence) because of fear, shame, guilt, condemnation, weight of judgement, avoiding bodily critique, our voice, our response) Because if we let out even a little bit of a sigh, it will be critiqued as anger) How have the many years of depriving the body of breath impacted us? Historically, my body has been dictated by, governed by, and critiqued by, mostly external sources) my body was not ever my own, and I wondered how I didn’t know that the voices that were dictating the way that I moved around the world were not my own?) A freedom journey that I and all my sisters are worthy of and deserve) I’m going to go look for my body. I might be back, but only if its safe to return as my own) Black trans girls should get to live in our bodies with ease without having to go in pursuit of the body.

- Anonsee Storyweaver 

Cento arrangement of the chapter In Pursuit of My Body from All The Black Girls Are Activists by ebonyjanice. This is a Cento, akin to blackout poetry - the primary changes are formatting, tense/possessive changes, if more than a single word is added, it is denoted within double parenthesis. If I feel the message of a full paragraph should be heard in this, the full paragraph has been pulled forward in italics even if format has changed.