#early miscarriage

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

I’ve taken some time away from writing and making videos on the topic of miscarriage and stillbirth for the better part of this year. We experienced our second miscarriage in December of 2020, but I didn’t go through the physical miscarriage until January. Although in theory this should have been a realitively safe process compared to the stillbirth of our daughter in 2020, I came as close to…

This past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Day 1: Joy! Two pink lines! How could anything go wrong. Talking about names, how we would announce, who we would tell first.

Day 2: still in shock we still have a positive 4 weeks 1 day! Due July 13th, a week after my birthday.

Day 4: something doesn’t feel right. Faint line on the test but still positive.

Day 6: blood work confirmed I was pregnant, I just knew something was wrong.. my HCG levels were dropping and I started miscarrying.

Day 7: an early miscarriage hit me like a ton of bricks

They consider it a chemical pregnancy. A miscarriage before 5 weeks.

Two pink lines turned into something I was supposed to love and now they are gone.

for a brief moment that I’m no longer pregnant. For a nano second. Then it comes back and hits me in the face.

I also don’t want to blow this out of proportion. Under other circumstances, I might not have known I was pregnant. There was no baby. Just a tiny embryo, it had probably stopped developing almost immediately, it had just barely attached and then let go. It was nowhere near a baby. I understand there are very different stories of miscarriage.

In all the conversations about conflicting feelings of expanding our family, or not, things really seemed to be at a point where I needed to accept that what we have is enough and move on. But every time I try to make myself do something tangible like get rid of clothes, I freak out and can't do it. I was sadly trying to accept things and just do it, though.

Then this month, my body decided to play a very cruel trick on me. I've been having 27-29 day cycles, and this time my period didn't show up by day 29, or even 30. I was feeling kinda weird and starting to get suspicious. On day 31, I finally told my husband I was late and had decided I should take a test. Finally, very early on day 32 (Thursday) I took a pregnancy test with him there. It was negative. I felt sad. I think he was too a little. I thought this was going to be like a last ditch effort from my body and then I felt deflated. My period started later that day.

Yesterday was rough. It's been a more physically painful period on top of the emotional stuff. I honestly don't usually have very much in the way of cramps and they were awful. This morning (Saturday) I had some odd clumps of clots when I emptied my cup. And then it dawned on me that I could very well be having an early miscarriage. I have no idea if that's actually true, but based on my gut feelings, I think that's what's happening.

And I am heartbroken.

I didn’t get to say hello, only goodbye.

I didn’t get to love you until you could only be loved.

I will never know how long you were with me but you will be in my heart. 

You may have been just a blob but you were my blob.