#dysphoria stuff

There’s an overwhelming feeling of insecurity Steve has around everyone right now, but most especially around Jonathan. He loves Jonathan, cares about him more than himself, which is why he doesn’t want to let his boyfriend see him right now. He just wants to curl up in a ball and die more than a little.His chest feels too big and his voice is too high, and for fuck’s sake if his father calls him ‘Stephanie’ one more time he swears he’s going to off himself. Well, maybe not literally, but that’s the feeling it gives him… He can hear Jonathan trying at the door knob, knocking at the door, but he doesn’t want to open it. Okay so he kind of does, but he was never really a decisive person to be honest.“Steve, please open the door.” There’s a quiet thud, the sound of Jonathan dropping his forehead against the door. It wasn’t his fault of course, Steve just felt this way sometimes. Like he wasn’t right and nothing would ever be right, but since Jonathan came into his life, he never let him mope alone. Even if it meant talking to Steve from across the room and sitting on the floor, he’d do whatever it took to make him feel better.He sighs and slips out of his bed, crossing his arms over his chest and creeping over to the door. He flicks the lock open and returns to his mattress, pulling the blankets over him and curling up. Jonathan steps into the room and locks the door behind him, Steve strains his ears to listen for him.“You okay?” It lets Steve locate him in the room, standing somewhere near the door and hovering quietly. “Obviously not,” Steve mutters, and Jonathan is quiet for a moment. “I brought M&M’s,” There’s the sound of a bag crinkling, and Steve smiles just a little despite himself. “Lots of junk food in this bag, Steve, just for you.” He promises, and Steve snorts quietly. He lifts the blankets back, rubbing at red eyes and giving a congested sniff, nose stopped up from his earlier crying. Jonathan meets his eyes, still standing in the middle of the room with the bag in his hand. “Come here,” Steve holds out his arms, and Jonathan smiles a little before dropping the bag next to the bed and crawling onto the mattress. At first, he’d been wary of Jonathan’s longing shy looks. He didn’t want Jonathan to be attracted to him if he thought of Steve like a girl, it would destroy him… And Steve thought dating a guy would make him feel like less of a man, but sometimes Jonathan made him feel the most confident in his identity. He could lay back and hold his boyfriend close to his chest, inhale the smell of the cheap shampoo he uses, feel the warmth of him. Jonathan’s hands never strayed from his waist, he’d press soft kisses to his neck and shoulder, wherever he could reach.“I love you,” Steve breathes out quietly, and Jonathan makes a pleased noise before lifting his head and giving the older boy a smile. “You too,” He chuckles, and Steve presses their lips together. “What a boyfriend, right here…“ Steve snorts as he’s squeezed tightly, tears glistening in his eyes just a little. “My boyfriend, Steve.” He repeats, just because he needs Steve to hear it, knows he needs to hear it. “You’re a sap,” He mumbles to Jonathan, rests his chin on the top of the younger’s head. They’re quiet for a bit, and Steve spends the short period of time pressing a few kisses to Jonathan’s head, just because he can. Jonathan’s fingers trace across his back, careful but easy.“How long have you been wearing it?” He murmurs, and Steve sighs, a little frustrated.“A while,” He admits, and Jonathan seems to ponder it a moment.“If I promise not to touch, will you take it off for a bit?” He asks, and Steve sort of wants to nail him but he also wants to kiss him. He was never a very decisive person, though… “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” Jonathan tells him, his voice all gentle and soft and Steve hates that the younger cares about him so much.“I want to hold you for a while,” He complains, presses his nose to Jonathan’s temple and tightens his hold on the other. “All right, but just for a little while.” Jonathan permits, because he doesn’t want to push on Steve’s boundaries and ask to be held while Steve isn’t binding. Steve thinks that he doesn’t deserve such a sweet guy, but at the same time he knows he’d never get through stuff like this without him. “No, no… I’ll…” Steve sits up, slipping off of the bed and digging through his things for his favorite sweater. He slips his shirt off, glances back at Jonathan and finds him politely looking away. He takes a minute to pry the fabric from his chest, taking in a deep breath as soon as it’s gone and then slipping on his sweater.“You want me to lay on the bed with you?” Jonathan asks as Steve returns, the older boy crawls over and pulls Jonathan close to him again. “I want to cuddle with my boyfriend, okay?” He lets Jonathan get comfortable, close to his chest but trying his hardest to tread carefully. “Okay,” Jonathan’s arm slips over his waist and Steve kisses the top of his head again. “You know Steve, you’re the most handsome guy I’ve ever met, I do believe.” Jonathan offers, and Steve chuckles wryly but blushes anyway. “You’ve obviously never looked in the mirror,” Steve ribs him, and Jonathan is quiet. It reminds Steve that he’s not the only one with self-esteem issues, not the only one who struggles to let other people love them. “You’re gorgeous, Jonathan Byers.” He promises softly, and Jonathan laughs quietly.“You’re an idiot, Steve.” He mutters fondly, but squeezes Steve a little tighter.