#dumbbrain

Brain: well they don't like germs

Me: true. The mouth has a lot of germs

Brain: Oh! I got it

Me to friend: Stop or I'll lick you motherfucker

Friend:

Me:

I’m new to the Tumblr scene, but I just needed somewhere no one knows me so I can dump these shitty thoughts I get. So, yeah here goes nothin.

I’m in my early 30s. No friends in real life. Plenty online via gaming, Discord, etc. It’s a bitter-sweet thing though. Bitter: can’t hang out with them in real life. Sweet: I don’t have to deal with them when I don’t want to. I don’t have to have that awkward “nah, I’m good I’ll stay here” chat. I can just disappear for a couple days to close off from everyone and no one ask questions when I come back. I just hate that I can’t hang out with any of them. The closest are almost 200 miles away and it’s not a fun drive.

It sucks. I’ve been without friends since 2011 and they were all made by a friend I made at a new job that I’m not friends with anymore. Nothing bad happened..he just moved to another state. I moved away from that part of town and shit just got worse for me because of...well...me. Change of jobs to part-time trying to do college and I lack discipline, so that didn’t work out. Part-time became nearly full-time at a pizza place for 7 years. I made friends at work, but I never hung out with anyone outside work.

Not sure when depression kicked in, but it was probably the 6th year I noticed it. Stupid thoughts of blowing my shit for brains out. I don’t mean the passing thought. It was the long, dreadful, thought-out process with tears streaking down my stupid face. Been single since about ‘08, back to living with mom since that job change in ‘11. The seven years of bullshit was really getting to me. I had to get the fuck out of both places.

So I did.

Late 2018 I got a new job with a company with really good pay. A couple months ago I moved into my new apartment. Since then, my brain has been so much quieter. So, 2/3 things have been taken care of that I needed to do. New, less shitty job. New place to call my own. Now, I just need new friends I can hang out with. Problem is I’m introverted as fuck and making friends in real life is terrifying. I don’t know how to do that. It’s always been go to work, make friends, hang out with friends outside work and make more friends. I’ve made friends at work, but absolutely no one has invited me to anything. There was a little meetup about a week ago with co-workers, but I wasn’t working that day so I wasn’t invited. It sucked because like...I have several of them as friends on Facebook and any of them could have messaged me. But they didn’t. And so my fuckin brain is like oh yeah dude they didn’t invite you because they just don’t want you there you old fuck.

I’ve looked into Meetup. I’ve looked into Bumble bff. I’m just shy as fuck and can’t bring myself to take that leap to be like hey let’s chill brah. So I’ll probably continue being this loner otaku piece of shit that continues to lurk the Internet, complaining how he doesn’t have friends because he’s a little bitch (my shitty brain talking there okay).