#dropped thoughts

Last night I was lying in my bed, perfectly content… I was releasing any lingering thoughts that were dead or clinging in my mind so that I could fall asleep peacefully, with no ill intent left within the confines of my head. It is no lie when I say that I haven’t cried for weeks- it seems that ever since I was able to see you in person and hear your voice, the urge and need to release my sadness in the form of endless teardrops forming puddles at my feet has officially run its course. Your presence calmed my soul, as it always does, as it always has, just as I am certain that it always will. And perhaps it was the impending energy of the waxing full moon; or perhaps it wasn’t that at all, but just the leftovers of a really hard fall. However, whatever the case may be, and the reason behind the cause, last night it happened- my happiness was stuck on pause. It was brief, like an ocean wave rolling in the deep. It merely lasted a few moments; it pushed me, pulled at me and then rolled outwards sucking at my feet. Instantaneously, wet tears began to fall. Dramatically, my heart opened without any forewarning. I felt my soul cry. No time to question why. A deep wrenching sob escaped without prior intention like a sigh, I could physically feel my whole heart hurting, pulsing, contracting and choking within my chest. It made me release a mournful cry. It made me instinctively pull into a ball like a fetus in a womb, as if to protect myself from the pain within, without questioning why, I was consumed by you. And as  soon as I stopped... in the silence, the stillness, I was weak. The pillow was wet beneath my cheek, my heart hollow and thin, I immediately understood what was happening within.  I had felt you; deeply. In the depths of my being, you were there. I had felt you inside and out, all around me and without. I felt you inside of my mind, inside of my heart, inside of my soul. I could hear your mumbles, the process of your own realization. The sudden understanding that you were leaving the eastern edge of the Pacific ocean. You were literally being lifted up and being launched to fly, the round October moon was in your window, the city lights were below you in a cluttered mass like a mirage, as you held onto the pain of the reason why you were sitting sky high. Perhaps you were reminded of the moment you had held me close, as we watched the earth eclipse the moon, a full cycle ago. We were inseparable, soulmates destined to enjoy each day to the limit, in the moment, without the foresight to know why... Because, just like that, you were gone. And with that, the overwhelming sense of your energy that had cloaked me mere moments before had disappeared with you off into the darkness. I looked at the time, and sure enough your plane must have just departed. Indeed. A soulful connection was felt. There you were, as I was you, you were I, and I felt you thinking of me thinking of you thinking of me. Just like that, you were gone.  A memory to hold close to my heart like a sad song. Like a whisper in the night, your love is everlasting and light. I hold you there, and I count down the days to when I will be so blessed to see you again…

sometimes i taste you in my mouth. you taste similar to scotch bonnet peppers coated in dark chocolate. the combination makes me want to spell out your name on a piece of paper like you are my grade 4 crush. your name adorned with loopy hearts and swirling i's. in my mind the lines are torn into pieces small enough for each letter to be pasted onto my skin. a decorative collage of the creativity that you cause to rise up inside me like a tide. shredded scraps;  the easiest way to cover up all of the scars of my past. as each new day passes you remain the same as in the start. i feel compelled to pull the pain of my history apart. i swallow the consonants whole as the paper cuts my tongue. the lacerations making it impossible for excuses to drop from my lips. the vowels are easiest to digest compared to the w's still stuck in my chest. still, u and i sustain like the two letters that remain marking the space above my heart.

At times I over-think it all, and I pause before allowing the words to flow, because I fear the eyes that will read them... I fear that they won't understand, or worse of all, that they'll think that they do... because I understand, that every assumption I make about you, is made up of lines without order, buttons without holes, shoes without laces...only a part of a piece that makes you uniquely whole... I need not filter my voice on the account that someone won't understand my plea's, or the realness that is me, because at the end of they day, I understand fully- that those who know me best, those who have seen me at my worst and at my best, those who know me inside and out, they are the only ones who could possibly have just the tiniest say in what I'm all about.

without you there would be no reason to write. there would be no more brass ball soaked with black and blues and colorful hues within a socket of self scribed news. my words would dry up, and fly from my mouth like firecrackers, lit from the spark that used to be us... without you, any of the thoughts my written words took form from would no longer be spawned from the highs and lows combined, nor the passion that was us entwined. The creator behind my creativity would not have a muse, and thus would cause my thoughts to spin in repetitive prose, without any relevant use. you are the ink that spills onto the smoothness of the paper, sometimes between the lines and pragmatic, and sometimes without any inhibition, scribbles in circles and sporadic. I need you. Enlightenment.

The place where you and I danced barefoot, before you dipped me into the shadow of the stars and the spotlight of the moon, I felt full like the waves etching your name into the sand...while holding the world in your embrace like a butterfly trapped in its own cocoon.