#drift meta

“Are you satisfied?” Cyclonus asks, his voice far too smooth and unbothered, which kicks a fresh ember into Drift’s already white-hot hatred. “Had your fill? Or shall I beat it back into your thick skull again, just to be sure?”

“Fuck you,” Drift snarls, his voice a feathered wheeze, “Decepticon swill,”

Cyclonus has the audacity to sigh, heavy and resigned as if he were handling a disagreeable sparkling and not a repugnant ex-Con. “I assumed violence was more your language. Perhaps not. Then I shall be crueler. Are these teeth that snap at me those of the repentant Drift, or the hateful Deadlock?”

Drift’s eyes round in shock, and for a moment he’s speechless. Cyclonus tilts his head in consideration, leans forward more so the fortified joints of Drift’s inner elbows groan under the new weight. “Ah. I see. So that’s what this is,”

Drift barely scrapes enough of himself back together to sputter ineffectively, “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t be dense, Drift. Or should I be saying Deadlock? You certainly froth and snap as if you are him, once again. Or were you ever not?” Cyclonus’s eyes glint, bright under the shadow his brow casts over them, and he tilts his head down to regard Drift uncompromisingly. (In this space of a moment Drift understands, profoundly and with perhaps an inkling of fear, exactly why Galvatron had chosen Cyclonus as his second in command. Drift is an insect fastened to a cork board for display, a lowly animal cowed under the jaws of a more successful predator, a simple cog held in the unflinching grasp of something larger, hotter, and made to smelt him.)

Drift’s silence is laced thickly with surprise. Cyclonus lets him stew in it for a moment, then cuts him down further with words alone. “Here is what I’ve gathered. You’re free to speak otherwise if it’s incorrect.” Drift would laugh, if he could. “We both share a unique and terrible history as former high ranking Decepticons now defected to our enemy. We are traitors to our kin, and prisoners without physical shackles under an Autobot warden. You may think yourself free of your past as you hide behind a new banner, but to them, you will always be a Decepticon.” Cyclonus taps the Autobot insignia etched into Drift’s chest, and Drift flinches as if he’d been stabbed. The bearings in his elbow joints groan with the movement, and he hisses in real pain. Cyclonus’s weight is unyielding, uncompromising. His words are a reflection, an extension.

“You hate me not because I am a Decepticon, but I remind you of everything you are attempting so fiercely to forget. I do not doubt the sanctity and centeredness your spirituality has afforded you, or impugn your connection to Primus. But I am a reminder of your past. To you, I am a reflection. To you, I am you. To you, I am Deadlock,”

Drift cuts his visual feed, as if it would save him from Cyclonus’s vicious words. His ruthlessly precise deconstruction of the insecurities Drift has been running from his whole life. But Cyclonus’s voice is a steady timber that slices down to the protoform, rakes across the weak mesh there and leaves Drift lesser in its wake.

“And this is the root of our misunderstanding. I bear no ill will to you, Drift. I am certain enough of myself that your presence does not delude me as mine does you. I felt fit to ignore you. You refused such an avenue. You project a fierce hatred upon me because such indirection is simpler than confronting that you are only hating yourself.”

“Stop,” Drift manages. His voice is weak, it’s hollow and pathetic to his own audials. “Just stop,”

“No,” Cyclonus says. Drift feels the heat of his breath against his jaw, even with his optics powered down, can feel the shift in Cyclonus’s weight on his chest and elbow joints to know Cyclonus is bare inches from his own face, now turned away in shame. “You call yourself a Spectralist. You claim yourself a holy mech. But you refuse to address such a destructive line of self denial. Do not shy from this, Drift. Deadlock is not some lurking ghost from the Pit come to lead you astray. Conflict and inner turmoil are to be expected. But do not foist such burdens onto me. I am not Deadlock, and neither are you.”

Finally, finally, Cyclonus pulls away. The heat against Drift’s face leaves, frigid cold rushing to fill its space, and the pressure on his joints lift. Drift’s proximity sensors clock Cyclonus as still standing above him, even though his feet are planted away from Drift’s sides.

“If you are still interested in matters of carnality, I have no qualms fulfilling such needs,” Cyclonus says. Shame takes a different hue in Drift now, and inwardly he withers at his earlier advances. “I would say to save the embarrassment, as I do not think of you any lesser for wanting sex, but I’d prefer different circumstances. You may fight me again, if so desired. I can take you in that manner, even. But come to me looking for Cyclonus, not Deadlock.”

i feel like this post sums it up really well.

obviously dean does often worry for and about cas, because he cares about him! someone he loves is frequently in danger, of course he worries. but he doesn't feel responsible for cas's well being the way he does with so many other people in his life. cas is stronger and so much more powerful than him! cas is immune to bullets, cas can smite demons, cas is supposed to be immortal, cas has been around for millenia! dean can be vulnerable with cas, he can let cas take care of him. he and cas watch out for each other, but cas is stronger, cas can protect them both.

dean can put things on cas, can share burdens with him, without worrying that he's gonna have to manage the weight of it all for both of them. and that's something pretty rare among dean's close relationships. he lets himself have it to varying extents with friends, acquaintances, civilians of the week, but he takes care not to put too much on any one person. (there are lots of examples of this, dean's go to approach when connecting with people is sharing his own experiences and that often includes opening up about what he's struggling with, though usually in a filtered way).

some of this has to do with physically protecting people. dean grew up being told constantly by john that his only purpose in life was to protect sam. that his body was a tool to use to save others. that his own feelings of safety and his well being were not a priority. this is summed up perfectly by the scene in home where dean calls john crying, desperate for help, and just gets a message telling him to call himself. and cas is strong, cas pulled dean out of hell! cas can heal him and cas protects him and the people he cares about. cas can take care of himself and he considers dean worthy of protection! so some of it is physical safety and strength. but a lot of it is also emotional burdens, and that's what i'm gonna dive into more.

when you grow up as the peacekeeper with an unstable parent, you learn to think carefully about what you ask for help with, about how and when you reach out and open up about what you're struggling with. because the absolute last thing you need if you're having a hard time is to now ALSO be managing someone else's feelings about whatever you're dealing with. and there's not much space for sharing your own problems when you're always triaging someone else's. this is something i think dean learned very early in life.

it's also something that gets reinforced over and over in his relationship with sam. when dean does open up to sam about what he's struggling with, sam SO often makes dean's feelings about himself (i'm thinking about the secret about john's dying words, about dean's memories of hell, but it shows up in s8 too, etc). he does want to help dean! but when he tries to get dean to open up because he wants to feel trusted and he wants to be the big brother for once, he rarely stops to think about whether that's actually what dean needs most. he gets better about it eventually but even then he falls for dean's performance too much to see dean clearly and know what he needs for support.

there is also, of course, the fact that dean raised sam. even as they get less codependent over time, that barrier of "don't want to dump my problems on my kid, it's my job to support them" never completely goes away. and sam never stops expecting dean to take care of him in a lot of ways, and continues to have blindspots about his own behavior that reinforce their parentified dynamic.

and sam is far from his only relationship where support should be mutual but instead dean is the one taking responsibility for the other person's well being, taking care of them without them returning that equally. this is also his dynamic with john and mary (as a 4yo AND when she comes back). even bobby, who cares deeply and is a reliable parent for dean, is... not great with handling dean gently when he's really struggling.

and some of this is on dean, he has to choose to break this pattern and not always put himself in the position of caretaker. but also when he DOES try to reject this role he often has his boundaries trampled (bobby telling him he has to reach out and be the parent john wasn't to sam at the end of s4, most glaringly dean being pushed into parenting jack in early s13). but regardless of where the blame falls, the fact is that dean is generally doing the brunt of the emotional labor in his closest family relationships.

except for with cas.

the scene i think you're talking about in s7 is in the born again identity, when cas is still emmanuel allen. and it's a perfect example of this.

dean opens up to "emmanuel" about how hard of a time he's been having since cas's betrayal, and how much he's struggling. when he's tried to open up before this season, to bobby and frank and even eliot van ness, he's been brushed off and told to suck it up and stop whining. cas is the first person to listen, to tell him it's alright to feel what he's feeling. to tell him that he's only human and he's allowed to grieve and hurt and give himself that grace and emotional space. that it's okay if he can't just bounce back, and he doesn't need an excuse.

cas isn't always the perfect listener, nobody is, but he's someone dean can rely on and turns to more than anyone else (a few examples off the top of my head are after gadreel kills kevin, the diner scene in 10.09, the phone call about how dean doesn't know how to interact with mary, the diner scene when dean is still keeping michael locked up in his head). he sees straight through dean's performance and offers him real connection and reassurance. dean can confide in cas without fear that his feelings will be minimized or his boundaries ignored. and this is reciprocal!!! cas opens up to dean right back, often in the very same scene, and dean listens for cas like cas does for him.