#dr. solace

He realized with a start that Nico had been humming for him, a deep and soothing sound as he leaned against Will. Will pulled his hands from his hair and wrapped them around himself, holding his hands as he did so. “I have to help them, Nico.”

“You will,” he said surely. Nico was always so certain of him. What would happen the day he let him down? The monitor on the counter began to light up as a static cry pierced the house. “There she is.”

“I’ll get her,” Will said as Nico started for their room. He walked past him and went into the bedroom where Lily’s white crib was pushed against the wall. He walked over and saw her crying, her small, chubby arms and feet shaking in the air, begging for the attention of one of her fathers. Her toothless mouth gleamed as she screamed and her soft yet piercing cries filled the room.

Gently, Will reached for her, shushing her. “What’s wrong, my little girl? Sh, it’s okay, Daddy’s here. Daddy’s here, babygirl, it’s okay.” He picked her up and cradled her small fragile body in his arms. Having been born prematurely, she was still smaller than the average six-month old baby. “You hungry? Let’s go get you a bottle.” He walked out of the room with her still crying, though much softer, in a certain paused rhythm.

“Here,” Nico said, walking up to him with a bottle in his hand. Will took it and gave him a smile. He sat down on the reclining couch and fed Lily, looking at her, trying to soak up every detail about this beautiful baby girl. Nico’s hand touched his shoulder. “Will you be okay?” Nico asked. Will nodded. “Okay. I’ll be in bed.” He leaned down and kissed Will’s forehead. “It’ll be okay, love.” He stroked his face gently and then walked away, the soft padding of his feet sounding louder in the silence of the house.

When Nico had gone to bed, all Will could hear were the gulps Lily took of her milk and the gentle breaths in between. Her tiny fingers curled and uncurled idly, her eyelids fluttered, her long curled lashes casting shadows on her rosy cheeks.

As she drank her bottle, Will began to hum Joe Bongiorno’s In Its Majesty to lull her to sleep. He rocked in the chair even after Lily’s mouth had gone limp against the bottle and the sound of milk squeaking back into the bottle echoed in the room so loudly he feared it would wake her. He set the bottle beside him and began to think of all the possibilities.

Lymphocytosis? No. The babies had gotten ill too quickly. They weren’t responding to acyclovir or ribavirin. It could be bacterial. It could be resistant. But what exactly? Pseudomonas? MRSA? That was always a possibility in hospitals, and it was a superbug after all. He pulled out his phone and sent a message to doctor that had just gone in for the night, offering his suggestions.

Then, knowing he couldn’t do anything from home, he stood slowly, holding his six-month old daughter in his arms. He went into the room and saw the lamp light on and Nico with a hand on his cheek and his eyes closed as he breathed slowly. He smiled and laid his daughter to sleep before changing for bed.

When he’d gotten into his shorts, he slipped into bed. Hesitantly, he wrapped an arm around Nico. Nico took a sharp breath as he woke, and Will winced. “Sorry. Is this okay?”

Nico glanced over his shoulder and smiled sleepily. “Mm-hm,” he hummed. He scooted back, against Will’s chest as Will’s arm wrapped tightly around him. He shut his eyes and listened to his husband’s slow breaths until he fell asleep.

The next morning, Will had woken before Nico, just on time to hear Lily gurgling. That was an odd thing about her. She woke up as early as Will but never cried out. She just stayed in her crib cooing until she got hungry. Then she began to cry.

Will picked her up out of the crib, greeting her vibrant blue eyes with a smile. “Where’s my Lilypad?” He sniffed and grimaced. “Oh someone needs a diaper change.” Lily cooed and reached out with one hand. “It’s not Papa!” he said in a playful, quiet voice. He hefted her into one hand and grabbed a diaper and baby wipes to change her in the living room. Once she was changed, Will picked her up again and went to the pantry. “What’s for breakfast today, sweet pea? Bananas? Oatmeal?” He rummaged in the pantry as Lily experimented with new movements, swinging her arms and kicking. “Feisty little baby aren’t you? Ah well, let’s eat some bananas.”

He grabbed a banana and placed Lily in her high chair. He began to scrap the banana, making it mushy for her to eat. As Will turned the banana to avoid the seeds, the door to the bedroom opened and shut.

“Good morning,” Nico said in a raspy, sleep ridden voice. “What’s she eating?”

“Yummy bananas,” Will said, making faces at Lily as she ate. Lily giggled and kicked in delight.

Nico chuckled and began pulling stuff out of the pantry to make breakfast. Will checked his phone and saw that the doctors had put the babies on Vancomycin and Aztreonam to hopefully get rid of their unknown illness. He would know if it was working when he got there.

Will continued to feed Lily until she began spitting the banana back at him and giggling. “Silly girl,” he chided playfully. He placed the banana on the table and glanced over at Nico who had begun to serve eggs and bacon on a plate.

“Toast should be done in a bit,” he said, putting the plate in front of him. Will began to get up and Nico shook his head, forcing him back down. “Uh-uh. You’re eating before you go do anything or go anywhere. You have to take care of yourself too, Will.”

He sighed and nodded, looking at his plate. “Can I get some orange juice?” Nico smirked and nodded. As he left to get the drink, Will began to eat. As Nico set down the juice, he grabbed his hand and kissed it. “I love you.”

“I know you do,” Nico answered. He kissed Will’s cheek and sat down with his own plate and a cup of coffee.

For a moment, Will could almost forget the pressing matter at the hospital. For a moment, he felt he could be like his teenage self again. Yes, he still went through the pressure of saving people, but it didn’t weigh on him as heavily as it did now. It didn’t take him away from Nico most of the day. From his daughter.

But it could only last so long. A few hours later, Will was back in the hospital rushing to bring in another baby that had suddenly fallen ill with a fever. “Get him on the meds, now,” he urged. He went to check on the other two and looked over his shoulder before placing a hand on one of the newborn’s chests.

Golden light seeped from his hands and Will had an idea of the baby’s overall health. What he found didn’t make him too happy. “Hey,” he called. “Do we have urine tests for these babies?”

One of the doctors frowned. “I can get some if you want,” she said. Will nodded and the doctor left quickly.

Will looked at the baby and frowned. “What’s going on with you, little one?”

A few hours later, the doctor came back. “The tests don’t show any casts.”

“Has anyone else noticed that their kidneys are shutting down?” he snapped. “The antibiotics are causing kidney failure, get them off of it.”

“Which one?” she asked. Will hesitated. Both medicines could have caused this. There was no telling which was the one doing the most harm. “No. No. Then they’ll die of the infection,” she protested.

“If they keep up like this, they’ll die of kidney failure,” he said. “Someone keep the parents informed I’m going to the lab to see if we missed anything.” As he left, a specialist came into the room to check the babies.

For hours, Will poured over papers and records and test results, unable to find anything new. It didn’t make sense. There was no way a baby could be so sick with such a strange disease. He was a son of Apollo, he should’ve been able to figure out what was wrong from the start. So why couldn’t he?

His dyslexia wasn’t helping. After years of med school, he’d gotten better at it, but with the stress, he lost his control, and the letters and numbers began to loop and jump and flip. He put down the papers and rubbed his temple tiredly.

It wasn’t until another doctor came into the lab that Will remembered there was more to the hospital than the lab.

“Dr. Solace, your shift is over. The babies are somewhat stable for now.”

“What did you do?” he questioned.

“We were instructed to remove a different antibiotic for each.” Will furrowed his eyebrows. “It’s a game of chance.”

“They’re babies,” he protested.

“And there’s a lot more getting sick,” the doctor reminded him. “We have to figure out what will cure them.” Will scratched his neck and groaned. “And you have to go home.”

Will nodded, his eyes burning, and began to gather his things. As he went upstairs to get his messenger bag, he heard a commotion in the isolation room where the babies were.

“Can I get some help in here?” someone shouted. Will dropped his things and ran over, immediately putting on a mask and an apron. “Get the blinds,” he heard.

“What’s going on?” he demanded.

“The baby’s BP is dropping, we can’t raise it or steady it, the medicine isn’t doing anything.”

“I’m losing pulse,” another doctor said.

“Ventricular fibrillation,” another said, as they watched the monitor.

A doctor carted over the defibrillator and Will grabbed the electrodes and after prepping them, placed them on the infant’s chest, ignoring the fact that the baby’s skin was beginning to turn gray, or that in the same way Nico could sense death, he could sense the life beginning to leave.

“Charging. Clear.” A shock made the baby jump, and Will tried not to wince. He tried not to think of Lily.

“Still v-fib,” the doctor said.

Stubbornly, Will shook his head. “Come on. Charging. Clear!” Again a shock went through the baby. Again nothing changed. Again Will allowed another shock.

The sound of the flat line began to ring in his ears. The absence of life left him cold and hollow. Still, he refused to give up. “Charging. Clear,” he said in a much more broken voice. The flat line continued to sing obnoxiously. “One more time.”

“Dr. Solace,” the doctor beside him said. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Will realized his vision was blurry. “There’s nothing we can do. She’s gone.” Will gulped and pulled back the electrodes.

“Time of death,” he whispered, not needing to look at the clock, “11:47 p.m.”

“I’ll go tell the parents,” she nodded.

Will put out a hand to stop her. “No. I’ll go.” He waved away the protests and removed the mask and apron before he left. He went to the waiting room where he saw a mother and a father huddling close together, their hands interlocked, their heads bowed as though in prayer.

A useless son of Apollo, he thought. As he walked toward them, their heads snapped up, their faces filled with hope. Will took a deep breath and began to form the words that would break their hearts forever.

“Your daughter… didn’t make it. I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked on the last word, but the pain in his heart grew worse when the mother wailed a heart wrenching cry and slumped against the father, all strength gone from her limbs.

Will watched as they cried into each other and despite trying not to, imagined himself in their shoes. He imagine being told Lily was dead and the sole thought made him feel sick to his stomach.

“I’m so sorry,” he said again before rushing back out. He left the hospital and got into his car. He leaned his head on the steering wheel as he fought back tears.

A soothing tune began to play and he fumbled in the dark, searching for his phone. He cleared his throat and tried to keep his voice steady. “Hello?”

“Will, where are you? It’s nearly midnight and you’re not home yet, did something happen?”

“No, yeah,” Will said, trying to make his tone light. “I’m sorry, amore. Long day at the hospital.” He took a steadying breath and blinked away the burning sensation in his eyes. “Go ahead and go to sleep, love. Don’t wait up. Johnson and Baines were thinking about a late night IHOP excursion.” He chuckled, though it sounded forced.

“Are you sure?” he asked, the worry in his voice almost palpable.

It was a while before Will managed to choke out, “Yes. I’ll be home later.”

“Okay,” he answered softly. He knew something was wrong. Nico always knew. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He hung up and clenched the phone in his fist. Unable to hold it back anymore, he began to cry. Sobs racked through his body, making his shoulder shake and his breaths rapid. He couldn’t save a little baby. This was what he was meant to do and he couldn’t do it.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d stayed in the car before he was finally able to stop crying long enough to drive. By the time he got home, Nico was asleep. The room was dark.

He walked quietly over to Lily’s crib and picked the sleeping child up. She was so small. Will held her protectively and left the room. He sat on the couch and held his daughter to himself rocking back and forth. He felt as though he had wronged her. By not being able to save the little baby at the hospital, he had wronged Lily, and he could never fix it.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, as the tears began again. “My little Lily,” he cried softly. He held onto her, trying to replace the hollowness in him with the life he sensed in her. With her little breaths and her small pounding heart and her warmth. But all he could think was, What if it had been Lily? And each time he thought that, he cried a little harder and held on a little tighter.

He cradled her in his arms and leaned over her, sobbing as quietly as he could, muffling the sound in the soft blanket Nico had wrapped her in for bed. Then he felt a feathery touch on his back and the seat beside him was filled.

“Will,” Nico whispered in a soothing voice. Will looked over at him, tears falling and making little wet marks on Lily’s blanket. “Oh, my love, what happened?” he said, putting a hand onto Will’s cheek.

“I couldn’t save her, Nico. I couldn’t save the baby. I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t,” he sobbed.

Nico gasped and furrowed his eyebrows. He took Will’s face in his hands and pressed his forehead against his. Will cried and Nico slid his hand along Will’s, holding his hand while he held Lily.

“Will, baby, it’s not your fault. You did everything you could, love.” Will shook his head and held Lily closer to him.

“What if it had been Lily? Would you forgive me then?”

“Will,” he said, sounding offended. “Will, love, please. Look at me, look at me, please.” Will did. “I know how much this means to you, I do. I really do.” And Will knew he did. He could hear it in his voice, see it in the tears that gathered in his eyes. “But I know that you did everything in your power to save that baby. This is not your fault. It’s not.” He leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Don’t blame yourself for this.”

“Nico, you didn’t see the parents’ faces. You didn’t hear the way the mother cried. Nico that… it’s so horrible.”

“I know, I know,” he whispered. “I don’t know why these things happen. But they do. I’ve told you before, when it’s time, it’s time. No matter what you do, you can’t change that. And I know you did your best. Don’t blame yourself for this.” He took Will’s hand and shut his eyes.

Suddenly he gasped and began to chuckle. “What?” Will asked incredulously.

“I… I can feel the baby’s soul,” Nico said astonished. “I didn’t think it would work.”

“What would work?”

“Looking for her. I’ve tried before with others, but it never worked. But she’s okay, Will. She’s not in pain anymore. She’s… she’s okay.” Nico opened his eyes. “And her parents will be too. You are a good person, Will and you do good things and you do as much as you can. Don’t you dare patronize yourself.” Tears slid down Nico’s cheeks. “I love you so much.” Will cried and leaned against Nico with Lily still sleeping in his arms.