i want to rip my hair out. the cycle of i want to do something > nothing sounds pleasurable > ok maybe i can talk to someone > there is no one who wants to talk to me > well i should do something > nothing sounds pl. is so painful and neverending and i dont know how much i can keep doing this and i always feel so dramatic when i say "no one" because it isn't true but i also dont feel that close to many people around me and they don't like the things i like/i don't relate to them like that/they just don't have that kind of time. i also have nothing to add to conversations so there's no conversating to be had because i have nothing to say. but i'm so desperate for any kind of interaction or even just watching other people talk about something i like. but i won't do anything but cry to get it. because it's all i feel like i can do. so i just miserably scroll and it isn't even fun but nothing is anymore. i have things i could be doing, things i want to do but i just. can't. it's so frustrating, because nothing will get rid of the block or make it go away. even things i think would help.
and i'm starting a job tomorrow, i really hate how suddenly she's doing all of this and how its just been day-by-day calls. i'm on the schedule for the next 2 weeks. i'm upset that i don't get more buffer days to prepare mentally for working again but im just. big frowning. it's fine. it'll be fine. it has to be fine. but i don't know how it's going to be.
