#doomed selves

The trouble with inhabiting a meteor travelling through empty space directed towards a new universe was that the living space wasn’t exactly big.

There were currently four trolls (one missing, but what was new about Gamzee being nowhere to be found? Absolutely fucking nothing), two humans and a carapace living on the meteor, all in the same lab.

That meant, obviously, that if he wanted to be alone in his respiteblock, one of them would come and check up on him –he wasn’t a fucking wriggler, he knew how to take care of himself– and if he ended up leaving his personal block, he would of course happen upon any of them.

Nobody minded their own fucking business anymore.

Damn it.

Still, walking on his own at least offered him something to do, and that was why Karkat found himself trudging around the meteor instead of sleeping on a shitty pile of horns in his respiteblock, cursing his own stupidity and that of everyone involved –in his case, himself again and Strider.

He knew that their dreambubble doomed selves had the right to keep on existing –even if it complicated the life of the Alpha version of them a lot, thank you very much– and also to romance each other as much as they wanted without him interfering, but…

A version of him had gotten together with a doomed Dave.

That was…

Fuck, he didn’t know why, but it bothered him. A lot.

How could that even happen?

As he was stomping down a corridor, not sure where he was going, a familiar voice coming from a nearby room attracted his attention.

Oh, right. The world was out to torture his existence some more.

There he was, the bane of his existence, chatting with Terezi in one of the unused rooms. They had called it their own after the carapace –they insisted he was a Mayor– had settled inside it to draw, and soon enough they had dubbed the room ‘New Can Town’. Karkat had no idea where the old one was, but the name was still ridiculous.

He watched in silence, almost seething in anger at the two, Terezi trading one of her chalk pieces with Strider as she painted the floor.

They look so close. Too fucking close. It wasn’t even fair.

And a doomed version of him had ended up not in Dave’s position, but in Terezi’s.

It was fucked up.

There was no way he’d ever be interested in having a fucking relationship with that human. He was annoying, he looked stupid with those shades on, and he kept pushing through Karkat’s boundaries with his raps, his silly ignorant jokes about quadrants, and… and Terezi.

Watching her choose him hurt in a way he hadn’t thought possible.

Ok, Karkat could admit the human could be a somewhat passable kismesis, if Strider had any idea what it meant to wax black for someone. Not that he had any intention to blackflirt with the fucker anytime soon.

His distaste was purely platonic.

And that was why he just couldn’t get it out of his head.

He couldn’t understand why his doomed self had managed to get close enough to form a relationship with a Dave. What circumstances had caused that to be a thing that existed? Lost within all the dreambubbles, a Karkat was actually–

Dave paused his scribbling on the floor to turn around, and Karkat froze, eyes glued on the human’s face.

For a moment, Karkat felt exposed –like his every thought was clear on his face, and a flash of that doomed Dave arching up, naked and wanton, underneath his own doomed self flickered to his mind.

Then, the image shattered into a thousand fragments when the Dave in front of him smirked, and lifted two fingers in a greeting.

Growling deeply into his throat, Karkat forced his body to move and hurried away, trying to make sense of the deep anger he felt.

This Dave wasn’t obviously that Dave.

And his Doomed Self, just like his Past Self and Future Self, was just a bulgesucking moron for landing a quadrant with Dave –any Dave.

Karkat was a troll of romance. He’d spent all his time watching romcoms, knowing what was needed for a perfect quadrant relationship, and he was sure Dave didn’t fit anywhere in there, so… why?

Strider always managed to fuck with him one way or the other –be it through dreambubbles or even just by existing and breathing.

Slumping against the wall, Karkat felt a wave of fatigue rush through him. He had a strong, burning desire to see Gamzee and talk to him, but he didn’t even know where to find him, so the longing just slammed back into his chest, leaving him feeling empty.

With a defeated slouch, he turned around and trudged back to his respiteblock.

***

The dreambubble was once again something alien –just what he needed, another impossibly weird setup– and Karkat sighed, looking around.

It was the memory of some sort of open space, with weird trees scattered around, jutting towards the sky –they were all brown and green, not like the trees on Alternia, but Karkat recognised them as plants due to the similar shapes– and alien-looking hives in the distance.

Patches of green grass were scattered everywhere, with some clean passages made of stone to walk on, and there were metallic bars forming a round shape right in the middle of one of those patches, together with a small building in red and grey metal with a long, metallic bar curved to make an ‘U’ shape that connected diagonally the tip of the building (it looked like a scout tower, just really small and frail-looking) and the grass underneath, much like an access ramp.

It looked weird, and Karkat stared hard at it, wondering how the hell was one supposed to climb on that side to reach the top –and why the fuck would one even want to do that.

“Yo”.

Karkat spun around, hands already clenched into fists, and glared as Strider –one of them– lazily walked towards him.

He wasn’t wearing Alpha Dave’s god tier clothes, just a dark shirt and pants with a weird colourful logo on the front, but looked just as smug as any other Dave.

“I should have known this was one of your fucking memories, Strider –nothing humans do makes sense at all,” he grunted, looking away.

Somehow, while he could summon the usual annoyance he always felt around Strider spawns, there was none of the seething confusion he got while around Alpha Dave… maybe it was because he couldn’t care less what stupid dead Daves did in their free dead time. They weren’t the Alpha Dave he had so many troubles with.

“It comes as no surprise that you don’t have playgrounds on your shitty planet, Karkat,” Dave stepped towards him, and Karkat opened his mouth to say something scathing, but the human just walked past him, eyes scanning the empty lot.

“What the fuck is a playground?” he grunted in reply, hunching his shoulders defensively when Dave turned around to glance at him.

“Just take that word apart, I’m sure that someone as versatile as you are with terminology will be able to make sense of such a complex word, man,” the human shrugged. “Unless you’re simply into creative insults. Your inventive with them is astounding”.

Biting the inside of his mouth to keep himself from demonstrating exactly how he excelled in that particular brand of speeches, the troll mulled over the word. He furrowed his brow, wondering if Strider was just making fun of him somehow, and his expression must have been telling because the human snorted.

“It’s just a place for kids to play, Karkat. Nothing to blow a fuse on, come on”.

Karkat watched with narrowed eyes as Dave walked towards the diagonal ramp and patted it. “Slides are a kid’s best friend, I tell you,” he turned around, watching the troll behind his shades, and smirked. “So, you ran away without even excusing yourself… pretty rude considering you caught an eyeful of Strider booty. That’s not an everyday show, you know”.

Karkat’s entire brain froze, his eyes growing wide as he stared at the doomed human, mouth opening in shock, and much to his dismay, his cheeks turned a darker grey in colour.

“Well, aren’t you a little cute grumpy troll,” Dave shook his head, still smirking. “Wouldn’t have pegged you for the voyeur type, Karkey, but to each their own. Me?” Dave pointed at himself, casual and chill, “I’m an exhibitionist. This kind of cool has to be shared, after all”.

“You… I… hnnnnngrhjhjrhghhhhhhhhargh!” Karkat turned around and pushed his fists against his eyes, feeling utterly ashamed and angry again.

Of all the fucking dreambubbles he could get caught into, it had to be that one. Of fucking course.

“Chill, babe,” Dave smirked, leaning against the slide and allowing Karkat some time to fret and claw at the air. “I know it wasn’t your fault if you couldn’t get enough of me”.

“More like the appalling sight of your skinny alien body and your utter lack of decency,” whipping his head back to stare at the doomed Dave, Karkat growled at him, lying through gritted teeth. “Is your only goal in life to embarrass the fuck out of me?”

“Maybe that’s more of a hobby, to be honest,” his tone was almost matter-of-fact, it made Karkat bristle in anger. “I’d say my ending goal so far is to bone your pretty ass, or at least, your Doomed self’s pretty ass, given the fact that I don’t really have much to do around here, being dead and all,” he waved his hand around.

The growl coming from Karkat would have startled any other person, but the doomed Dave, apparently used to such a response, simply shrugged.

“How could any iteration of myself ever find you fitting anywhere in my quadrants?!” there was a hint of rage in Karkat’s voice, and Dave hummed softly, tilting his head upwards to stare at the bubble’s sky.

“You shouldn’t be asking that to me, babe,” he replied. “Why don’t you ask what made me fall for someone like you, though the answer would be entirely biased since, well, I’m digging that alien ass of yours”.

He waited for Karkat to stop growling into his fists, patiently staring at him with a small smirk, then continued talking as if nothing had happened.

“Amusing how bubbles work,” he pointed at his dreambubble, and Karkat’s eyes returned to him. “You must have been traumatized enough by our meeting to want to see us again, otherwise you wouldn’t be here”.

His words made Karkat seethe. This Dave wasn’t much taller than he was, and he surely didn’t look all that old to him, and that only managed to make Karkat even angrier at him.

All fucking Striders were the same, no matter the alternate universe, and he really couldn’t understand how his doomed self could have decided to fill a quadrant. Also…

“I thought humans didn’t even get the beauty and intricacies of blackrom,” he accused, ignoring the doomed Dave’s comment about wanting to prod at him.

“Your point?” this Dave had a bit more emotion on his face than Karkat was used to, and being able to detect a hint of confusion, and amusement, on a Dave’s face made him feel weird.

“How the fuck can you maintain a healthy blackrom with my pathetic doomed self if you barely know the difference between your mouth and a foot? I don’t think my knowledge managed to penetrate that thick head pan exterior enough for you to actually learn”.

“Karkat, dear, that’s where you’re wrong,” Dave tilted his head to the side. “No blackrom here, dude. Not much of a fan of getting gutted out every other day”.

Karkat opened his mouth to retort –‘no, you utter disgrace of a human, caliginous couples don’t gut each other’– then stopped.

“What do you mean, no blackrom,” he asked, voice carefully blank and void of rage.

Dave’s smile was somewhat sympathetic. “What I said. We’re not caliginous, Karkat. We’re as red as your candy mutant blood.”

With a yelp, Karkat grabbed the edge of his shirt and tugged it down, suddenly self-conscious. He knew that all humans had the same blood colour, but Rose and Dave didn’t know anything of his status as a mutant, other than the fact that he was one.

He hadn’t shared his blood colour with them at all, so if this Dave knew it…

Wait.

“What the fuck did you just say,” eyes wide, Karkat took a step forwards and pointed an accusing finger towards the human. “I can’t be red for… for…” he opened his arms wide, encompassing everything that Dave was with that single motion, unable to express it verbally.

Dave made a show of wincing. “Ouch, man, that hurts,” he commented. “That hard to believe?”

Karkat opened his mouth again –‘yes, because I know me’, and ‘yes, because how could I ever be flushed for the likes of you,’ were on the tip of his tongue– but then he stopped. Something in Dave’s stance was off, and it made him feel suddenly like he was out of the loop.

There was no reason to lie, though he wouldn’t put it behind Strider to poke fun at his quadrants by messing with his mind again.

And yet…

“How did that even happen?” Karkat was still in disbelief, but his tone had lowered down to almost a whisper.

“Why should I tell you?” there it was again, Dave’s annoying smirk, and Karkat bristled again, ready to pick up a storm, when another figure appeared from behind a corner, glancing around in suspicion.

“What the fuck are you doing here,” Doomed Karkat grunted towards Dave, then his eyes zeroed on his alpha self and he groaned. “Oh joy, idiot Alpha me. That guy is seriously demented. It hurts my thinkpan when I think he managed to survive while I am stuck in this horrid place”.

“That’s a playground Karkat, that’s the opposite of horrid, actually,” Dave piped in, smirking.

“Yes, because obviously I was talking about your memory instead of the bubbles in general, and you are just being obtuse on purpose”.

“Isn’t that how you like me?”

Karkat stared as the two continued their playful banter, eyes wide. Doomed Karkat approached Dave and elbowed him, and Dave replied with a small smile. There was something about the way they acted with each other that hurt. They were close, and it reminded Karkat of Dave –his Dave, the alpha– and Terezi, the way they spoke and played with each other.

It left him feeling alone, confused and even angrier than before.

He disliked being left out, feeling like a third wheel in the middle of that human park, so Karkat stomped forwards and glared at his doomed self.

To his dismay, even his other self was taller than him, though not by much –at least it gave him hope that he would have a growth spurt before his last pupation.

“What’s even that good in him that I… you decided to give the fucker a chance?” he had meant it as an accuse, but his voice sounded way more hesitant than it should.

“If you’re really interested in finding out why I ended up flushed for Dave, why don’t you start paying attention to your alpha?” Doomed Karkat grunted, looking somewhat awkward all of sudden. He cleared his throat and shrugged.

“I don’t fucking want to know if there’s any good in that guy! I don’t care! I’m not interested enough to waste my time on that bulgesucker blabbering idiot! But–” Karkat stared at the other Dave, who stared back.

“Then why the fuck is it even important?” Doomed Karkat growled. “Listen, you abysmally idiotic Alpha version of me, if you have any capacity in that brain to understand basic language… ” Karkat opened his mouth to reply, but the doomed troll halted him with a hand. “So what if I am red for this Dave here?” he pointed at Dave, who saluted. “There are infinite versions of you who ended up flushed for whoever the fuck they wanted in their rotten bloodpushers. Why aren’t you hunting them down then? Why are you so focused on Dave anyway, if you have no intention to quadrant him, but you don’t even give a second thought about how many doomed you are fucking pailing with Eridan, or Nepeta, or even Terezi”.

“I have no fucking interest in all those other fucking useless versions of me!” Karkat backed away, tilting his chin up to hide how the mention of Terezi had shaken him. He was glad –but mostly jealous– that some of his other selves had landed themselves the one troll he’d been in pity with for so long, while he had managed to lose her red quadrant to a fucking alien, but…

But this was different. This was a fucking human who couldn’t even understand the basic rules of quadrantmates. One who could barely be good for a blackrom. One who’d stolen Terezi from him.

It was different. Somehow it mattered to know why he would ever give a chance to someone like Dave.

“Look, runt,” Dave piped in, making Karkat’s anger sparkle again, “I’ll let you ask me one thing. Only one. And then my redmate here,” (“it’s matesprit, goddamnit Dave, we’ve been flushed for at least a sweep, why can’t you fucking remember one term,”) “will kick you out of this dreambubble. One, and I will answer it. Strider’s word”.

Karkat glared at him suspiciously, but the doomed human simply waited for him to speak, humming softly.

Licking his lips, Karkat tried to think. Maybe if he simply asked them how they had died, when in their timelines, if they had ever met before dying, it would explain everything.

Without any of their interactions, maybe Doomed Karkat had been fooled and…

No. Karkat might hate himself –and by extension, all his past, future and alternate iterations, dead or not– but this doomed Karkat was, in a way, Karkat himself.

He could see himself give a romantic chance to some of his friends, because he cared for them. He had no romantic feelings for any of them, but he was aware that things could change, and being dead probably made things different. His actions with Eridan in the past had been admittedly leaning towards a very pathetic pale, and he was aware that Nepeta had a crush on him, though unrequited, but maybe it was that he couldn’t see any of that with Dave what made him so obstinate to learn everything he could about them.

Faced with a chance to ask, though, Karkat found himself speechless again.

“I…”

“Tick tack, the clock’s ticking life away Karkey,” Dave smirked at him, exchanging a knowing gaze with the doomed Karkat.

Doomed Karkat agreed with a growl, “Hurry up, you’ve been wasting my time enough as it is”.

Karkat glowered at them both, then his eyes narrowed. He remembered how he’d found them, and his strong desire to finally see what Dave’s eyes looked like, and smirked. “I want to see your stupid face without shades, Strider”.

“That isn’t a question,” Dave commented, but he was smirking, and doomed Karkat had a similar, feral grin on his face, and suddenly Karkat felt like he’d said something wrong. “But I’ll give it to you, you’re predictable as shit”.

“What,” Karkat wanted to punch his dead face, but stopped dead in his tracks when Dave slowly lifted his hand to his face, and started removing his shades off.

His bloodpusher suddenly seemed to constrict inside his chest, then expand, as Dave slipped his shades off, revealing–

“Oh, fuck,” Karkat’s shoulders slumped in disbelief.

White eyes.

Of course. This was a doomed Dave. He was dead.

“Fuck you two,” he growled, unable to hide his disappointment.

Still, there was a small part of him that still observed Dave’s face, taking in the details of what his face was actually like, minus the colour of his eyes. The fact that this doomed Strider had complied, taking off his shades, looking almost at ease…

“Nah, not interested in threesomes, sorry,” Dave quipped, smiling. “Even if you’re both Karkat, I prefer the one who has some practice with human bodies, thank you”.

Moving as one, both Karkats glared at Dave, the alpha flushing slightly at the reminder of seeing them pailing, the doomed looking a bit satisfied at his lover’s words.

Then, Dave slid his shades back up. “Time’s up, byebye Karkey, please buckle your belt and prepare for a bumpy ride–”

Karkat had barely the time to think ‘what the fuck are you saying now, you ass’, then his doomed self moved forwards and shoved him backwards, and–

Karkat fell out of the pile he’d been sleeping on, waking up at the loud sound of horns surrounding him, bloodpusher racing inside his chest.