#done crying

i'm very tired of not being able to live my life as my own. i do not want comfort or warmth. I want solutions and I am starting to run out of it and the fact that i have to keep going and going and going and going and going and going for everyones sake rather than my own because i have no way out and have no one to actually help me or give me some kind of solace while i'm basically going half insane and me not wanting to end it all due to guilt is eating me alive. like i'm being chewed on while life itself talks and laughs while it's at the dinner table all while i am conscious enough still to hear the vocals and noises it makes. i am very tired. very very very much so and i would like to not to have to push myself even more and i am wishing for an incredibly long break from worrying about things that don't even matter to anyone around me but myself it feels like. it's so hard to have fun and just enjoy even if i look and sound otherwise because i literally have no choice because i don't actually want to upset anyone how i'm feeling because they don't know how to deal with it and dwelling in it will just make it worse. i wish i had time to play games again. i wish i'm able to hang with friends and people more because i just can't due to where i am. i wish i had time to actually watch things and not have to pretend i have or have to quickly skim them. i wish i had my own space to be in. i wish i could dress and do whatever i want and not have to worry so much. i literally can only handle doing so much and i'm just so tired. i'm not sure about waiting for better days because that's what i've been doing for forever and i'm not sure how much am i able to keep going for. It's not like I've only been waiting for months alright or some years. It feels like it's been forever since I was a kid wishing and hoping things would get better. how much more waiting do i need to do to actually get out of here. I am slowly losing all my care for things and it's sad that i can't really even tell anyone about it. Frankly it's kinda scaring me. No one I know will actually sorta believe that if I told them and frankly i'm not even sure if i can even keep up to pretend to care about certain things anymore. Please, everyone i know will find their own happiness and support and I just want some form of freedom. I keep trying to find crumbs to live for tomorrow because living for the future just feels like it's gonna be heinous.