Internship waffling
MaybeĀ āwafflingā is the wrong word. Itās not exactly that Iām flipping back and forth, itās that nothing is really a good fit for me, I suppose. I wanted to work with college kids, so I applied to one college counseling center (CAPS). The other place I applied to was a Veteranās Affairs medical/psychological... place (VA).Ā
... It just occurred to me that the two places I applied to in earnest both interviewed me. The third was a throwaway that I went for literally because I needed to apply to nine tracks and it had several I could use as filler to up the number. I was allĀ āOh I only had two interviews,ā completely forgetting that I only applied to two places. ThatĀ āinternship readiness classā was week after week of them telling me I wouldnāt get picked, telling me I wasnāt good enough, that I had to do things their way, blah blah blah...Ā
Turns out, I did it my way, and got damn good results. That always works for me. Honestly. Because Iām an authentic person... until it doesnāt, Iām always told. But - Iām 31. Iām almost a doctor (of psychology (holy fuck)). I have yet to encounter a situation where it doesnāt work for me to be authentic.Ā
Regardless... I donāt know what to do.Ā
Something about the CAPS interview triggered a trauma response and I spent the rest of the day and the day after at least partially dissociated. I donāt remember the interview, I donāt remember anything poignant about the program... I donāt remember what I said, I donāt remember what they told me or how they responded. I remember my cats interrupted me and I laughed it off and made them laugh, too, because Iām a performer and my entire life is basically being cool on my feet and rolling with the punches. But something about it was bad. Yes, this was the first interview; no, that doesnāt matter. I love interviews, theyāre always my favorite part of hunting for a job/practicum/internship because I get to meet new people and, in fact, the people/person Iāll be working closely with for awhile. Itās hard to explain, but itās fun for me. So. This place is 45 minutes to 1 hour away from the apartment.Ā
The VA who interviewed me were just... fun. I enjoyed the conversation and I enjoyed the people. They liked the questions I asked, and I loved getting to know them a little. I agree with the way that they practice and Iād get to do so much more, including neuropsych, assessment, health psych, pain management, work with other professionals in other fields, and... itās just fun. Not to mention trauma is kind of my thing. Which... really, if Iām after trauma treatment experience, a VA is ideal. This place is 1h15min to 1h30min from the apartment.Ā
So... do I even rank the CAPS site on my list of preferences? I donāt have to. If I do rank it and I somehow get placed there, I would be bound to go. If I donāt rank it, I donāt have a chance. Of course, thereās always the possibility that I wonāt get into the VA, but... well, if they donāt fill all their spots and I donāt get in anywhere, thereās nothing saying I canāt apply again. I mean yes itās probably frowned upon, but Iāve done ballsier things.Ā
... And as Iām writing itās becoming clear to me that I want to go to the VA. I really wish I wanted to go to CAPS because itās so, so much closer. Yes, the 3ish hours of driving - or 2.5 - would really suck, probably. Would I have trouble getting myself to do the stupid thing on days when I want to cry and curl up in a ball? Yes. Would I enjoy it, learn a lot, and - assuming I pass their background check and drug test... Thereās no reason for me not to, Iām under the care of a pain management specialist and I have prescriptions for everything I take... Just, knowing all that makes me feel... unworthy somehow. Yāknow?
But then, as we established in the interview with the VA (Iām smiling as I write this), impostor syndrome is pretty pervasive in this field.
Okay, okay, fuck the CAPS program... But what if Iām being a complete moron saying that?Ā
... But what if Iām not reallyĀ all that interested in 20somethings. What if I really want to be the one who sits with an old vet - or a young vet - and teaches them about trauma for the first time, or helps them... lost that thought. Regardless... I think... I donāt know. It would be great to understand why I feel obligated to rank CAPS even though I clearly donāt wantĀ to go there. This post is getting long, maybe Iāll make another one to explore that.Ā


















