#doc school

Maybe “waffling” is the wrong word. It’s not exactly that I’m flipping back and forth, it’s that nothing is really a good fit for me, I suppose. I wanted to work with college kids, so I applied to one college counseling center (CAPS). The other place I applied to was a Veteran’s Affairs medical/psychological... place (VA). 

... It just occurred to me that the two places I applied to in earnest both interviewed me. The third was a throwaway that I went for literally because I needed to apply to nine tracks and it had several I could use as filler to up the number. I was all “Oh I only had two interviews,” completely forgetting that I only applied to two places. That “internship readiness class” was week after week of them telling me I wouldn’t get picked, telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I had to do things their way, blah blah blah... 

Turns out, I did it my way, and got damn good results. That always works for me. Honestly. Because I’m an authentic person... until it doesn’t, I’m always told. But - I’m 31. I’m almost a doctor (of psychology (holy fuck)). I have yet to encounter a situation where it doesn’t work for me to be authentic. 

Regardless... I don’t know what to do. 

Something about the CAPS interview triggered a trauma response and I spent the rest of the day and the day after at least partially dissociated. I don’t remember the interview, I don’t remember anything poignant about the program... I don’t remember what I said, I don’t remember what they told me or how they responded. I remember my cats interrupted me and I laughed it off and made them laugh, too, because I’m a performer and my entire life is basically being cool on my feet and rolling with the punches. But something about it was bad. Yes, this was the first interview; no, that doesn’t matter. I love interviews, they’re always my favorite part of hunting for a job/practicum/internship because I get to meet new people and, in fact, the people/person I’ll be working closely with for awhile. It’s hard to explain, but it’s fun for me. So. This place is 45 minutes to 1 hour away from the apartment. 

The VA who interviewed me were just... fun. I enjoyed the conversation and I enjoyed the people. They liked the questions I asked, and I loved getting to know them a little. I agree with the way that they practice and I’d get to do so much more, including neuropsych, assessment, health psych, pain management, work with other professionals in other fields, and... it’s just fun. Not to mention trauma is kind of my thing. Which... really, if I’m after trauma treatment experience, a VA is ideal. This place is 1h15min to 1h30min from the apartment. 

So... do I even rank the CAPS site on my list of preferences? I don’t have to. If I do rank it and I somehow get placed there, I would be bound to go. If I don’t rank it, I don’t have a chance. Of course, there’s always the possibility that I won’t get into the VA, but... well, if they don’t fill all their spots and I don’t get in anywhere, there’s nothing saying I can’t apply again. I mean yes it’s probably frowned upon, but I’ve done ballsier things. 

... And as I’m writing it’s becoming clear to me that I want to go to the VA. I really wish I wanted to go to CAPS because it’s so, so much closer. Yes, the 3ish hours of driving - or 2.5 - would really suck, probably. Would I have trouble getting myself to do the stupid thing on days when I want to cry and curl up in a ball? Yes. Would I enjoy it, learn a lot, and - assuming I pass their background check and drug test... There’s no reason for me not to, I’m under the care of a pain management specialist and I have prescriptions for everything I take... Just, knowing all that makes me feel... unworthy somehow. Y’know?

But then, as we established in the interview with the VA (I’m smiling as I write this), impostor syndrome is pretty pervasive in this field.

Okay, okay, fuck the CAPS program... But what if I’m being a complete moron saying that? 

Bad Irene has weighed herself three days in a row... but not for her usual reasons.

Honestly, I’m so sick Crohn’s-wise right now, I’m afraid I’m dropping pounds. I already don’t know how I got down to 125 from like 132 in... 2 weeks? 3 weeks? It’s not THAT drastic a change, but considering all I did was add some light exercise...

On the bright side, my body fat is consistently 19.x%, so I guess that wasn’t a fluke. Yay?

The Entivyo was approved, by the way. I’m trying not to be excited because it’ll be a huge, huge letdown if it doesn’t work... but being excited gives me hope and the drive to keep going. In the world of biologics, it’s the equivalent of second-generation (I think). Better, more targeted; might even be less likely to result in some kind of terminal lymphoma. Considering I just spent about half an hour in the bathroom in some severe discomfort and wish some disturbing... results... If I was a prayin’ girl, I’d be prayin’ about now.

If you’re the praying type and you’re reading this... hell, even if you just have some good thoughts or good vibes to send my way, please pray/think/vibe me.

My whole life, nothing has worked to put my IBD (inflammatory bowel disease (covers Crohn’s and Ulcerative Colitis)) in remission, but I really, really need it. Or at least a semblance of near-remission. This semester I have... - Three doctoral classes (all of which are kind of intense) - An 800 hour practicum (which is unpaid internship and about 95% psychological testing. Believe it or not, I did this to myself and I wanted it.) - Weekly Individual supervision at practicum - Weekly Individual supervision at school - Biweekly Group supervision/case presentation at school - I may be working on expanding and/or publishing and/or applying for a PANEL presentation at an upcoming conference (which is where I don’t just stand next to my poster, but present my topic/self to an audience o.0) - I will be working on a literature review as both an assignment for class and a start on my dissertation - and very likely trying to publish the literature review on its own. (Trust me, it’s valid and necessary) - I have been invited to join a research team I’ve been trying to nose my way into since about 2013/2014, and would be looking at publication here, too.

On top of all this, I’m trying desperately to manage my Crohn’s and not let it get in the way of... that. The fatigue sometimes gets me and it sucks. I can power through, but then am I at my best? Should I join a research team if I don’t know that I’ll have enough energy to do it?

Provided the Entyvio works, the timing couldn’t be - well... it could’ve been better if I’d already started infusions, BUT my insurance made that into a non-option. So here we are.

That said, self-care is important and all of my professors are ridiculously supportive, even the professor whose class I’m missing for the second infusion. He also knows me well enough to know that I hate missing class and I tried everything to avoid doing so. I told him that and he immediately said, “don’t even give it a second thought; you’re taking care of your health, and that’s more important. I’ll make sure you get anything you missed.” I just wish I knew what my practicum schedule was going to be so I could determine if I have an extra few hours or not for the research team. Maybe I’ll talk to Shep if he’s on campus today... 

I hardly know where to begin. I am exhausted. I spent time with my parents yesterday, but some of it involved seeing my father’s psychiatrist and discussing issues with him. One solution appears to be writing a letter to my father (whether I send it/give it to him or not is up for debate). I won’t go into all that here though - let’s say it’s an issue I haven’t really broached in full, and I don’t have the psychic strength to do it right now, no matter how heavily it’s weighing on me.

I didn’t have time (okay I had time but I prioritized things badly (kind of)) over the past couple of days to do my homework for stats, even though it’s JUST interpreting a set of data... we have a quiz today in both my statistics class and my class for evidence-based practice and I’m freaking the F out because my brain is a sieve and is refusing to absorb new information - not that EBP is new information, but shoving certain pieces of it into working memory for the quiz IS.

On the bright side I have a leg up on next semester, provided I live through this one, and have gotten a jump on the neuroanatomy we’re going to learn (and in my case re-learn). I still have to shove 20 hours of volunteer work in SOMEWHERE, and I have to write up an interview for Monday, and I HAVE TO CREATE MY POSTER FOR MY PRESENTATION ON 3/10 AND THE ONE FOR 3/30. I’m freaking out about those because I want to get it right and am a dumbass perfectionist, but there IS no “right.” It’s just a poster. That’s IT.

But I also have to figure out how to stay somewhere for a couple nights for the conference, because the two people who were looking at rooming with me dropped out, and I’m stuck on my own.

I’m pissed off, I feel alone, I have negative spoons, and a really, really long day. Please send energy and love if you happen to read this. If you read this, I apologize. 

Also I may have an addiction to Red Vines licorice... And to running.

Oh, that’s a bright side - I’ve started running a bit more regularly. Last run was 5 miles, but it took me FAR too long. We’re talking almost 2 hours. 120 minutes. If I break it down to - well, I can’t really average it accurately because my first 2.5 miles only took me like 35-40 minutes. Still not a 10-minute mile, but yeah. I had to stop a couple times during both laps (I run a path that’s slightly over 2.5 miles and round down to get myself working harder) to walk, or actually stop because my foot was doing a weird, or my calf locked up. The temperature also dropped by like 20 degrees over the course of my - er - course... And by the “5th” mile, I might as well have been walking, I was jogging so slowly... But that was my first time running 5 miles in MONTHS. So I’m giving myself a pass.

That said, my legs are killing me. I need a massage like whoa. Boyfriend will assist this weekend. I also WILL finish the poster before the end of this month and send for it to be printed and mailed to me ASAP... as long as I have it before the 10th, all will be well...

All will be well. I can do this. I’ve done more, I’ve dealt with worse.

That said, I’ve noticed I’m not really improving as quickly as I’d like to with Tempest. I started breaking up the Rachmaninov and drilling/practicing sections of it, but I’m still afraid of the Aggitato middle part. I think I will be afraid of it for awhile, possibly until I can do it with my eyes closed... or at least without looking at the music and double-checking my chords every... uh, chord. Tempest moves, but sometimes I feel like my brain doesn’t want to read both staves, or tries to overcomplicate the bass. I’m like, “Brain. Brain you’re over-correcting again. Brain STAHP.” In the end, the speed of Tempest (at least the Allegretto) is gonna get me. I might actually have to download a metronome app and resign myself to using it. >< Funny enough, my left hand is more solid on the piece than my right. I got lazy practicing my right because, well, I’m right-handed, I should be able to play it fine! Nooooope. Right hand gets sloppy because of less practice. Soon I will download (or just suck it up and buy) a book of etudes for piano - just something else to practice, y’know? To get me up to speed and strength.

Also have to give my kitties credit. Rachmaninov puts them to sleep, even if I’m not using pedals. Siren was curled up against the piano yesterday. Luna loves it when I sing to her, and the music seems to just relax Addie (she is SO big, you guys. I’ll post a picture of her soon...).

Note to self, unrelated: I am in a position to say “no” now. I do not need to be agreeable if it doesn’t suit me. I don’t have to be a bitch, but I don’t have to be quiet anymore. Must remember this. MUST remember this.