#divasmph

The last time we were together, I had just found out that my ovarian gas tank so to speak was almost out of gas and the reserve light had come on.  You know when your reserve light comes on in your car, you immediately make a plan to refuel.  The only problem is that with the ovarian gas tank there is no opportunity to refuel.  See when we become of age and start our menstrual cycle, we have all the eggs we will ever have and once they are gone, they’re GONE.  So when the reserve light came on, I had to take action and fast.  I had to make a decision of whether or not the cost and risk (there are no guarantees) of freezing my eggs were factors I was willing to absorb and accept for a chance to realize one of my dreams – the husband, the kid(s) – my biological babies, and the house with the yard and white picket fence. 

After researching the costs, which ranged anywhere from 10-15k, reflecting on what was important to me, coming to grips that this was only an opportunity for me to have my own kids and not a guarantee and having some serious talks with God, I made the decision to move forward with trying to get whatever eggs were left in the tank and freeze them for future use.  Of course, I wished I was at a place where freezing was not necessary and I could try to get pregnant but I am not there yet so I had to do what I could to protect the desires of my heart.  During this time of contemplation, I held onto words my cousin once mentioned to me – she said God would not place the desire in your heart if He did not plan to fulfill it in some way.  It says it in His word:

Psalms 37: 3-5

…3Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

4Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.

5Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.…

Matthew 7:8

For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

To me egg freezing was me taking the steps necessary to knock on the door allowing myself the best opportunity for it to be opened.  A few days later, I was back at the doctor’s sharing my decision to move forward with the process. She was excited that I was moving forward but shared with me that based on my current reproductive health status – several large endometriomas – I was going to have to go through some pretty serious pre-work before we could start the process.

In my next post, I will share the #ovareaction assignment and the work I had to do before I could even reach the starting line.

PS:  If you have any comments or questions regarding my journey, please leave a comment or email me at [email protected].

From My Womb to Yours,

So the last time we were together in the blogosphere, I shared with you the conversation my Reproductive Endocrinologist had with me about considering freezing my eggs since I was a single, thirty-something, with no prospect of love in sight.  Since I wanted to have kids of my own, she suggested that we check my ovarian reserve by checking my Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) levels.  Before I left the office that day in October 2012, she sent me to the lab to have my blood drawn.  I was told to call the office in 2-3 days for the results. 

This was a lot for me to take in…you see I spent my whole teens and twenties trying not to get pregnant and now I was going to find out if I even had any eggs left to conceive in my thirties.  3 days passed, 3 weeks passed, even 3 months had passed and I never called the office back for my results.  I believe I was in some sort of denial – I felt at that time that I did not want to know whether or not my egg level was on E. 

Every since my very first surgery back in 2006, I knew it would be harder for me to get pregnant on my own and I think I had come to terms with the fact that IVF was in my future but to face the potential reality that there may not be any of my own eggs to use stirred up more emotions, a #ovareaction.

Questions I often ask myself:

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

Is God punishing me?

Thoughts I have…

I have accomplished much but it seems like the one thing I want, a family, seems to be so far out of reach

Am I still woman enough

I was afraid that if I found out the test results some of these questions and thoughts would play out in my head and I didn’t know if I could handle it.  So I stalled – no #ovareaction.

The blessing in disguise is that at that same visit back in October 2012, my doctor also gave me an ultrasound to see if I had any cysts.  Upon review, she saw a few small ones and asked that I come back in about 6 months to have them rechecked. 

Fast forward to May 2013, I walk into the office for my follow-up.  She asks how am I doing and I tell her that I never called back for my AMH results.  She looks at me and says “What?!?!” and immediately pulls up the results on her computer. 

My AMH level was 0.7.  A normal AMH level for a woman my age is anywhere from 1.0 – 4.0 which meant I was well below normal levels and it was time to make a decision regarding my next steps.  Before I left the office that day, she suggests that I have another AMH test taken and gives me an information packet on oocyte cryopreservation otherwise known as egg freezing.

I walked out the office super sad and feeling less than a woman.  I now had the pleasure of telling my mom, who happened to be in town that week, that we had another hurdle that we were going to have to jump in my reproductive health journey.

Make sure you come back to find out the next step in my #ovareaction