#dissociaton

Hey there lovely!

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so low and struggling so much. It’s so awful when you lose faith in the world around you, because you wind up feeling so isolated and alone. But I promise you’re not alone, you’re never going to have to face this alone, you will always have us here at MHA. Please remember though, we are not professionals and therefore cannot diagnose you. 

You mention not recognising yourself in the mirror - this sounds rather like something called dissociation, specifically depersonalisation, which is a phenomenon that causes the sufferer to feel disconnected from themselves, leading to experiences similiar to the things you’re going through. Here is a link to a great information page on dissociation and dissociative disorders. If you do believe you’re suffering from this, I would strongly advise you to seek help from a mental health professional as this can become debilitating and is obviously very scary for you, therefore it makes sense to get treatment. Looking after your mental health is very important, after all. 

People can be really scary, especially with all the awful things we hear and sometimes the experiences we have with people who hurt us. But please remember that mental health professionals, and any medical professional, genuinely do want what’s best for us and understand what you’re going through. It is illegal for them to ‘betray you’ as they are bound by a series of rules relating to safeguarding and confidentiality. They have a duty of care over you: they legally cannot and will not do anything that may harm you, and have to act in your best interests at all times. They also cannot share any information that you don’t want them to, especially if you’re legally an adult in your country. This paranoia that people will betray you is super scary, and as I’m sure you’re aware, totally irrational. Is there anybody you trust, a friend or family member, who could come with you to an appointment so that you don’t have to travel alone, as then they can keep you safe? I think it’s really important that at this stage, we seek professional advice before this disorder becomes any more debilitating for you. You are completely valid and you deserve to get better.