#discoveringpolyamory

Compersion isn't some impossible to achieve nirvana, only achievable by the greatest masters of polyamory.

You can find it hard to know your partner is having fun with someone else while, at the same time, feeling happiness and joy that they are experiencing something wonderful.

It's important in polyamory to recognise that you and your partner(s) are separate people. Your feelings for them don't have to mirror your feelings for yourself.

You can be happy seeing them happy while still feeling insecure or envious about your situation. Because in a healthy relationship, you will be able to communicate this to them so they can take steps to help you through your insecurities. 

If there is one standout benefit polyamory has brought into my life, it's a brand new level of open communication.

Communication is vital in successful ethical non-monogamy. But once you embrace it, you will realise how much strengthening your communication muscles benefits every aspect of our lives.

Communication is one of the most important parts of life. But it's also something a lot of us take for granted.

But successful polyamory forces us to actively work on our communication skills. And once you know how to better communicate with other people and yourself, life gets significantly easier to navigate.

Polyamory is about exploring your relationship with what being in a relationship means to you. It's about working out what kind of relationship makes you happy and what elements of a relationship you actually want in your life.

Essentially, it's about recognising and honouring your wants and needs above society's expectations.

This doesn't mean being selfish. Especially not with your partners. As in every aspect of life, building a relationship takes compromise.

But you don't have to give up what makes you happy, or accept things that actively make you unhappy, just because doing so is the social expectation.

Is it okay to be jealous in polyamory? 

Yes. Of course it's okay to feel jealousy in polyamory. Polyamorous people aren't magically immune to the same issues as other people.

But it's important to understand what jealousy means. 

The feeling we call jealousy is a combination of two things: envy and insecurity. And opening up your relationship will bring out both of these many times over.

When you feel jealousy, try and identify exactly what's causing it. That way, you - with your partners' help - can work on dealing with the core issues behind it.

Most of us know what kind of relationship model we would like from polyamory. And when we engage with the polyamorous community, we're going to see other people who have what we want.

Not everyone in the world has the relationship model they dream about. But it's important not to get hung up on it. If you do, you might miss other amazing possibilities.

People aren't here to cater to your needs. Just because polyamory opens things up to your dream relationship model doesn't mean anyone is obliged to provide it for you.

If you set your heart on one thing and one thing only, you're not only setting yourself up to get hurt, you're potentially blinding yourself to other opportunities for happiness.

To many people, the holiday season is about family. And if polyamory teaches us anything, it's that "family" means different things to different people.

Whether family to you means blood relatives or the people you have chosen to have in your life, I hope that you are able to spend some time this time of year with the people you love.

The holidays can be a difficult time for some of us for a number of reasons.

But I hope that you are free to celebrate the people in your life who make that life better, from friends, to family, to lovers and partners of all kinds.

It's the people in our lives that make this season bright. Make sure they know it.

No one wants to deny who they are. And no one wants to have to hide the people they love. But sometimes we aren't given the choice.

Sometimes, the people in our lives won't accept who we are. And that's hard to accept.

How open you are to your family and friends is a decision only you can make. Whether it's because you're not ready to open up about your polyamory or because you don't feel safe doing so, only you can judge your situation.

Just remember, there are other people out there going through the same things. And a community of people ready to help you through things.

Polyamory can make things trick over the holidays. From making decisions about which partner you spend certain days with to families not accepting the validity of your relationships, this time of year can be a minefield.

It's okay to be overwhelmed. Just make sure you look after yourself.

Remember to be honest with yourself and your partners about any worries or difficult decisions. Events and dates are only as significant as you make them.

If you need to adjust your traditions, or add new ones, to make things work, consider these a happy addition to your holiday season.