Through the screen there once was a mystical kyndom, where anyone could be anything. Where everyone had a purpose. Born from chaos and pain, a small child found refuge in a shapeshifting powerful god. The god of death, the scapegoat, the one punished, scorned and banished for things outside of their control. For nothing they did could ever change them into who they would never be.
The one who just craved to be seen as good, despite always being labeled as everything but. Who’s anger and pain, guilt and shame for just existing transformed and morphed into a being all in its own. One meant to protect and comfort the god of darkness, but whose anger and shame formed sharpened claws and snapping jaws. Built of survival, over time this being morphed to hurt the one it was meant to protect by sinking its fangs into anyone who got too close.
Once shunned, eventually the power of the god of darkness gained attention from those around them. They lived on a pedestal, either worshipped or scorned, no longer invisible. They were important, loved or hated, seen by the world. But their shadow couldn’t stay hidden forever. Soon the creature of darkness turned all they loved against them. Hurting those they held dear, lashing out in the name of protection, until there was nothing left.
And the god fell.
Blamed for the darkness’ sharp teeth and bloody claws, their reputation preceded them. They turned on the darkness, and swore to destroy them for the pain they caused. But everything they did just made the darkness stronger. For how could you kill a part of yourself? And soon the blind rage caused the powerful god of destruction to fall into a deep slumber, paralyzed by their own shadow.
But the story didn’t end there. What didn’t find words, find paper, continued to write itself outside of the world in the screen.
With time, the god of darkness was able to face their shadow. It had grown so powerful, radiating with pure evil. Or, at least that’s what the god chose to see it as. But after being forced to sit alone with the darkness, they realized what they saw as corruption, mind control, and the pure goal of destruction was anything but. The more they faced the shadow, the more they realized the tendrils of evil were made of shame. Of deep rooted guilt, of anger towards all those who failed them, of those who left them to rot in the darkness when they needed them most. Of pain, of sadness, of deep rooted loneliness instilled in them by the creator god who never truly loved them.
They weren’t evil. The darkness was trying to protect them, to find connections in the only way they knew how to. They were never taught how to care for others in a way that didn’t leave deep claw marks. They didn’t know how to handle adoration without crumbling under the pressure. And maybe the world was never taught how to handle the darkness with care, maybe they were even taught to demonize it, to blame the god whenever their shadow shone, as gods are expected to be flawless. What does it mean for everyone else if the gods have such darkness within them? And maybe this shame made the darkness grow ever larger, so whenever it could no longer be contained it became so loud that there was nothing to counteract it, no one who wanted to touch it. But this darkness was only as evil as the small little dragon who was told they were inherently bad, who was isolated, abandoned, and made to feel as if their existence was a curse to everyone around them. Whose sense of self split because of profound pain, whose only comfort used to be the silence of the dark.
And maybe instead of trying so desperately to destroy it, all that needed to be done was to give the darkness a hug.
~
Wow so, this is it. The true end of a chapter. I can’t lie, I have mixed feelings about the chatterbox closing. On one hand, it was where I was able to escape to as a kid, how I was able to process everything happening to me, and probably the reason I was able to make it to adulthood. On the other hand, looking back through old threads, seeing old names, brought up a lot of memories and feelings I would rather forget and leave behind forever.
Maybe this is a good thing, and it has some profound meaning to the current path I walk. The door to my childhood is closing, the pain and suffering and bloody claws. The true start of a new era, where I’m no longer obsessed with proving that I’m good, that I can be a successful member and even a strong leader of a community without breaking. That my shadow can’t control me anymore, that no one will be able to see it again. But the truth is, healing isn’t linear, and the parts of me formed out of necessity won’t go away overnight, nor should they be hidden and something to be ashamed of. I developed long, sharp claws and crushing jaws to keep myself safe, and that’s ok. I no longer hate myself for it. There are people who understand that, understand me, and are willing to help me heal instead of shame me for it, or add to the trauma.
It’s kindve funny, and honestly tells a lot about my childhood and even the connections I had from the cb, that when they tried to revamp kyndom a few years ago they wanted to get rid of my storyline because it was ‘too dark’. The self-insert character and storyline I created to process what I went and was still going through as a child was too dark for the other kids. It never should’ve been our job to save each other. Kids saving kids, we didn’t know how to do it right, how to not hurt ourselves and each other in the process. Obviously it ended badly, it wasn’t our job to know better. How could we? The adults failed us, but now we’re the adults and I won’t let anyone suffer like I did. Like we did. It’s poetic, in a sense.
A true new beginning. A new life. A new purpose. A success story this time.
Anyways, I did use an old old trend with this one, had it in my back pocket and thought now was as good of a time as ever to use it, even if it was like 3 years late. My longest ever oc, the one who will probably carry the most significance of any character I’ll ever create. I’ve revamped their design and parts of their story for fun over the years, usually accompanied by life altering traumatic events to help me process. The most recent design I created for a class, months after my health crashed and I became disabled, while I was in and out of emergency hospitalizations. Their design is more rooted in different mythology and legends around the world, including Xolotl, an Aztec canine god of death, sickness and deformities. The new design of my god of death and destruction includes scars and a body that cannot stay together because of the hatred the creator god had when they were being formed. In human terms, they have a connective tissue disorder plus all the fun stuff that comes with it. They’re also immortal, so they are in constant debilitating pain because of a body that isn’t meant to sustain life but is forced to anyways- something I often feel like is happening to me. And because their mother was neglectful, their pain was never validated and they were never shown or given ways to make existing easier. Instead they were just expected to endure, like I was. This new design still has the core of the original one, but with the new knowledge and understanding of how my own past and lifelong chronic illness has shaped me.
It was too painful for me, for many many reasons, to post anything on the cb one last time, so maybe this is my closure, in a way. I don’t really expect anyone from the cb to actually read this, I’m not even sure if I actually want anyone to, this is more so for me and to process my own feelings around the cb officially ending and to face the painful memories, people and emotions I associate with it, to acknowledge how that shaped my present and probably my future. To be able to process it, and let the lessons from it shape who I wish to be. To help me along in my healing journey, to keep my new relationships healthy and strong. To hold it tightly for just a moment longer, then let it go free.
It’s time for me to stop running, and face the darkness.
A bonus, I saw a newer thread where people assigned my oc a theme song, and I would like to add that I have found the perfect one:
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Me when someone tells me to ‘go touch grass’ or ‘if you just spend x amount of hours a day out in nature you’ll be cured!’ Or blames me not going outside for why I,, am physically unable to go outside lmao.
My body has mega beef with nature for no reason I don’t make the rules sorry
Tw for abuse, minor blood, er, medications, and needles!
I made a lil animatic vent thing (?) bc I am yet again crashing out over this :3 It’s very rough but like, same
Imagine going through 5+ years of abuse just for them to disable you for the rest of your life (and cause a terminal illness or two)! Couldn’t be me 💅✨
Like why do they get to live *my* dreams that *I* worked my mf ass off for (like seriously, they didn’t even go to school for it?? It’s my felid and they know it) while I get to rot alone in bed and get stabbed every week in hopes it’ll prolong the inevitable :)
Anyways started this like almost a year ago and just finished it, pretty cool to see how much my art has improved since then! Unfortunately still relevant enough for me to finish it 🥲 I hope karma gets her ass
My body: I’m gonna spring a leak in both my heart and my brain and see how that goes :3
Anyways I can check both my heart and my kidneys off of my list of organ fuckery now✨who wants to make bets on how long it takes the remaining organs to rage quit 👀
My therapist was just like ‘I see you’re working ur way up in emergent medical shenanigans’ like yes if I’m gonna be sick and dying ima be the center of attention while I do it✨
May or may not need open heart surgery this week we’ll see if it’s escalating as badly as I think it is 😩🤘
(Low key transphobic having this go down on trans day of visibility smh. Guess I gotta represent in the er 💀🏳️⚧️)
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It’s trans day of visibility! Here’s some Nimona fan art I did recently!
Reminder that disability and transness intersects way more than in the general public! We are more at risk during pandemics and are more likely to develop post viral illness like AIDS and Long Covid. Please remember that WE PROTECT US [alt: we protect us] and that includes things such as pandemic mitigation techniques like WEARING MASKS [alt: wearing masks] and actively taking steps to prevent illness in our communities.
There is no trans pride without disability pride. This rings as true as ever as 504 is being attacked yet again under the guise of anti trans rhetoric. Our oppressions intersect, we must protect all trans people. No one is free until we are all free. Wear a mask. Dont participate in your own eugenics.
Ok my medical issues are just getting so ridiculous at this point. So originally I thought I just had May Thurner syndrome, cool whatever maybe I would do the stent but probably not. Nope, turns out I have May Thurner, nutcracker, pelvic congestion syndrome, two compressed neck arteries, one compressed brain artery, and I need stents in most if not all of them bc they are killing me. Cute, amazing, wow.
And then I also found out I’m just. Missing a bone in my face and have a hole going straight up to my brain behind my sinuses that everyone’s just missed for 7 years and that I’ve had an active csf leak there since at least 2024. So not only do I have at least one csf leak in my face I have multiple small ones along my spine now and I need surgery for all that too but only after stenting is placed or else they’ll come back with a vengeance.
Like unbelievable behavior that I’ve just been LIVING LIKE THIS for god knows how long with several life threatening, life altering disabilities that isolated are a major issue and big deal but no, just been vibing with 5 major vascular compressions my entire life and off and on csf leaks. I would like everyone who told me I was being dramatic and wasn’t actually in pain and refused me medications and medical help my entire childhood and teen years to respectfully ✨eat their shorts✨
Like we couldn’t have just chosen ONE THING and be done. Nope. Had to be a special little snowflake and have medical issues so horrid and unique you are now a case study at 4 separate clinics and the big hospital that everyone in the Midwest goes to has actual conferences about ur case specifically and you managed to be the catalyst that changed how they view csf leaks and intercranial hypertension and vascular compressions and mcas and dysatonomia and connective tissue disorders and etc etc etc.
Like guess if I’m gonna be sick and disabled I’m gonna do it so dramatically that everyone is forced to witness the spectacularity of my disability ✨💀
Anyways happy rare disease day, screw being a zebra I’m a dragon at this point cause I happen to not exist in medical literature✨ at least I’m interesting ig 💀
Got my terminal illness offically diagnosed on paper. It’s been 3 months of constant testing every week and hospital stays, and now it’s official. It’s real. And my doctors can’t do anything to help me. Attempting to apply for case studies, but then that’s even more real and once I end up in a care facility I know I’m never getting out of it.
Kindve a rough week haha. But alas, oblivion is inevitable, I just have the curse of knowing.
