#disability!au

The drive home was almost impossible, shooting pains going up to her hip and leaving her regretting that she turned down Mateo’s carpool offer that morning. Marjan knew it was risky to drive like this, especially when her gait had been so unsteady after their last call that she nearly tripped over herself stepping out of the shower. Still, she refused to show weakness and she couldn’t stand the questions that would come up if she had asked for a ride home while her car was right outside.

She made it home, though, albeit almost twenty minutes later than she usually was. The steps up to her apartment seemed more like a mountain trek at that point and she found herself gripping the railing tightly out of fear that her knee would give out under her.

Marjan’s frustration rose as she hobbled into her living room, her work bag dropping on the ground heavily as she no longer had the strength to carry it to her room. Her forearm crutches were hidden away in the closet, just in case any of the boys came over, so she would have to head in that direction anyway. All of this made her want to cry, the overwhelming sense that she wasn’t good enough hitting her hard as she sunk down to the floor.

As demeaning as it felt, she had no choice but to half crawl to the side table where she kept painkillers in the little drawer. Marjan fumbled a bit trying to get the cap off, whether it be due to the child lock or her own overwhelming frustration at herself. Dry-swallowing the two ibuprofen hurt but it was all she could do to stop herself from gagging, sinking back against the front of the couch weakly. She should put her brace on and rest in bed, she knew that, but getting up felt too daunting. Being curled up on the floor wasn’t much help in that moment but her knee ached far too much to even think about standing.

“I can’t do this on my own…” she whispered to her empty apartment, though she knew it was pointless. It was an empty comfort to her, the thought that someone would be able to help if they knew. This was Marjan’s life, she chose this path even though she knew how hard and painful it would be. She had long since accepted the constant pain and couldn’t rely on anyone else to help her. They would only coddle her and keep her away from her job if they knew, it was pointless.

Marjan was born with a leg length discrepancy (LLD)

(this is inspired by her actress Natacha Karam’s own story )

This means her right leg was much shorter than her left, an issue that was caught soon after she should have started crawling but couldn’t stay balanced and wouldn’t put weight on her knee

The doctors originally thought she would grow into it, since some babies are just lopsided, but she never did

X-rays and an MRI showed that Marjan was actually missing one ligament in her knee and another was considerably weak

On top of that, her right leg was more than 3 inches shorter than her left, which was only worsening as she went through her biggest growth spurt as an infant

This caused issues with her knee, hip, and spine because she had to alter the way she crawled and eventually walked

Over the course of her childhood, Marjan endured countless surgeries and hours upon hours of physiotherapy

She was wheelchair bound for much of her early adolescence and often needed forearm crutches when she was walking

Her surgeries included breaking bones and realigning them, lengthening of her femur, surgeries on her tendons and ligaments, and multiple plate and rod insertions for support

At home, school, and within her childhood mosque, Marjan was coddled and treated like glass

She hated this, as all she wanted to do was be “normal” and play with the other kids

But she was often stuck with the adults and kept away from games and trips to protect her

That didn’t stop Marjan from trying to run and play but unfortunately this caused more problems

On top of being called disobedient and reprimanded for “acting out”, a few times Marjan had tried to play soccer or roller skating with her friends had ended in accidents

She ended up tearing her weakened MCL ligament when she was playing soccer at 12 years old

This was excruciating and she was in the hospital for a week after a surgery to repair it

Marjan was always told she had to be good and think about her future; she could look forward to being with Salim and having a life with him

Honestly they just hoped she would settled down and pace herself so she could hopefully have children safely in the future (though her weak hip made this unlikely unless she was to have a caesarian)

Marjan didn’t want that

Since she was 13, she dreamed to become a firefighter

She was told that was impossible, she couldn’t even walk for more than an hour without needing her crutches, and it was far too dangerous

But Marjan pushed it because that was everything she wanted in life

She worked so hard in physiotherapy, started discussing surgeries and treatment plans with her surgeon the second she could go to appointments alone as a teen, she worked on her upper body and core strength like crazy to compensate for her leg weakness

Despite all the doubts and her parents’ dislike for the idea, Marjan made it through the academy and became a kickass firefighter

She also started roller derby in Miami at 21, regardless of the huge risk it posed in comparison to non-contact sports

She was doing everything she ever wanted and she couldn’t slow down

So when Owen Strand offered her a place at the 126, she thought about it for a while

This was a chance to make her mark somewhere else, away from the pitiful looks and coddling

People in Austin wouldn’t have to know about her LLD, she could be seen as able bodied and capable as long as she was careful

So she made the move and it was perfect

The department did inform Owen about her disability and the implications/risks of her being out on calls because they had to

But Marjan made him swear to keep it between them

She wants to be the best firefighter she can be and she already feels like people doubt her so the last thing she needs is to appear weak around her new crew

Hindsight is always 20/20, unfortunately, and Marjan tends to learn that the hard way. Realistically she knows better, yet every time she pushes herself too far she finds herself frustrated with her body’s limits. She shouldn’t still hurt like this, she reasons with herself, it shouldn’t be this hard.

She said that but she knew it was the opposite in reality. She already did things doctors told her she would never be capable of doing, and she did them on the daily. That comes with clear risks, of course, but Marjan didn’t worry about them. Not in the moment, anyway, because all she really wanted to do was help people. She was in it for the fulfilment of her childhood dream and the need to help others, though she would also admit the adrenaline rush is pretty great too.

Marjan should be more careful, it's what her parents and friends back home tell her constantly. They’d seen all her videos and the risks are evident but Marjan never listened too hard. She’s Firefox for goodness’ sake, one doesn’t go viral by being careful or by being treated like glass. That's what she told them every time and it's what Owen needs to be reminded every time he expresses his concern. She knew they nag because they’re worried but she’s 25; one would think Marjan could take care of herself by that point.

That’s what she muttered to her captain when he nudged her on their way back to the rig. She was limping, she could feel it in the way her body instinctively favoured her right side. Something wasn’t right and Marjan knew that but she had hoped no one would notice. Usually capitan Strand was too preoccupied with his own thing to really notice, but that wasn’t the case on this day.

“Marwani, you okay?” His voice was lowered, thankfully, and Owen waited until Paul had gone off to help Mateo with the hose before he spoke. They had an agreement that Marjan would keep him updated on her condition so long as he didn’t let the rest of the squad know. Considering the amount of things he kept a secret from his son in the past, she hoped he could apply that to the whole 126 this time around.

“Fine, Cap,” she answered as she went to hoist herself back into the truck, trying to hide her flinch when she leaned too much on her leg.

“Marjan.”

“Just a strain,” she promised, settling down in the seat she usually claimed. A quick glance out the other window told her the others were coming into the rig. Giving Owen a look, Marjan went to fiddle with her seatbelt in an attempt to avoid eye contact, hoping he would take the hint. Marjan didn’t need the concern and she certainly didn’t want the rest of her crew to know anything was wrong. Nothing was wrong, after all; or at least that’s what she told herself.

Even still, she had to admit paying attention to any conversation was extremely difficult. Actually, Marjan was having a hard time focusing in general, her brain feeling like it was stuffed with cotton. All she could think about was the amount of screaming pain her leg was in at that point, the ligaments in her knee being particularly bothered. Any movement sent harsh tugging motions through the connective tissue, making Marjan grit her teeth and hide her flinch as the rig came to a less than gentle stop in the station.

She was the last one out of the truck, pretending to fix her scarf and tugging on her undercap a bit. The boys didn’t bother her or look in her direction whenever she did that, something she was always grateful for. In that situation it gave her some time to have them disappear to shower or change, leaving Marjan mostly alone so she could relax for a moment.

That was the idea, anyway, but it was easier said than done. Even after sitting and trying to relax her muscles for a moment, Marjan could only feel pain. A gentle hand pressing on the back of her knee through her gear felt like she was being hit with a baseball bat, causing her to stifle a pained sound. She had to stand up, though, because her staying in the rig for this long was already a cause for concern.

Holding onto the handle for support, Marjan lowered herself out of the seat, praying she didn’t fall off the step with how unstable she felt. Her head was spinning, an uncomfortably familiar sensation caused by her adamance to push through the pain. Even as she tried to regain her footing, she knew she pushed herself too far this time.

She had declined Paul’s offer to be the one to rappel into that building, insisting it was her turn and hooking her harness to the rigging system before he could argue. She had been fine all day, through the walking and heavy gear and even while carrying a little boy out of a house fire. She miscalculated her stability during the rappel down, though, and a stumble when going to break a second floor window with her boots had her knee buckling. The initial pain was bad but the aftermath made it feel like a pinprick in comparison. She wasn’t sure what she had done but the way she had to grit her teeth with every bend of her knee told Marjan it was way more than just a strain.

“Marjan?” Mateo was behind her all of a sudden, a gentle hand on her elbow when she teetered on her unstable legs. She winced because she wasn’t sure how to avoid the truth but this wasn’t a situation she could hide from them. She was hurt, that was clear, and she couldn’t smile her way out of the concern of her crewmates.

“I’m fine, Probie,” she replied before he could ask, “Knocked up my knee a bit is all.”

“I’ll get Tommy.”

“Mateo, no,” Marjan said quickly before her friend could run off to find the paramedic capitan. She tried to shake her head, meaning to put on a brave face and promise she was just fine, but that was a mistake. The rapid head movement only worsened her vertigo caused by the discomfort, the room spinning and her leg threatening to buckle under her. Mateo must have noticed because he grabbed her again, quick to help support her right side because Marjan was clearly having trouble.