4/18/26 I dreamt of her...
I woke up in a hot sweat...
I felt her... her weight... laying on me...
and I shake as I was afraid to touch her... holding back... but yet my body still moves forward... caressing her slowly as she grabs onto me tightly... her nails scraping against my skin pulling me in...
Grinding against me... kissing me deeply... slowly and deliberately
In the dream I wasn't rough... I wasn't just relieving stress out of my system from my fustrations... I actually wanted her... I actually felt something different that wasn't just merely anger...
It was as though it was fear... as though she unwrapped the layers of my armor and I felt so exposed... and it hurt but yet it was as though she knew this... and softly bend over and deeply kiss me...
her nails went into and scratched at the edges of my scalp... and a strange sense of calm washed over me... I havent felt this kind of calm since I was a teen... before all the bullshit...
I was afraid that if I wanted to do what I normally do I felt like I'd break her... so I hold back... and it was like she could feel me hold myself back... the beast within that wants to reign... the beast within that wants to lay claim to her...
I pull at her hair trying to resist the urge... it was subtle yet firm like a nice snug like pull as my hand moved up from caressing her breast and to her neck... pulling her in as though she was a counter weight to help me stay grounded... I felt myself kissing up her neck and nibbling on her ear... I heard her soft whimpers and squirming lightly in my arms as my right hand moves slowly down her breast... to her stomach... down her thighs... holding it steady and smooth before sliding back up and to her clit to play with it in a steady motion... not to fast... not too slow... that sweet spot that hits her just right so I can feel her inner thigh twitch between my hands and a sharp gasp "UUghhh" "mmnfffpphhh" As she bites her lip... I smelled her scent... sniffing up her neck and feeling the goosebumps prickle up against her skin as her hairs stand up...
I feel how smooth she was and put her on her back gently... gracefully... as though laying her in a bed of flowers... and I proceed to press some of my weight on her as I go in her... feeling her stretch out as she grabs onto my shoulders...
I hear my breathing do that weird primal beastly thing again in the dream... I could taste what it wanted... I felt the drool go down from the side of my mouth as I wasn't muzzled but my chain was still on me...
like some kind of bad dog... it wasn't a leash... but rather a chian... and she pulled me in closer and closer... "'I'll be your good girl... if you'll be a bad boy for me" she says it in a way that makes my ears melt from her voice as they hear the sweet dew drops that resonate with the soul...
and then as I press my weight in her...
in... and out... her breathing stopping when I go deeper in her with each stoke as she barely handles me...
but yet she doesn't let go as her legs wrap around me... and she kisses me deeper as she holds me at the nape of my neck and looks me with her bright eyes... I hear myself chuckle... not forced but actually natural... genuine in the moment...
I know when she feels lonely... she thinks of me and looks at my blog... and I know you will never feel alone again... during these times I leave my journal to you... so you may see just a peak of what it's like in my mind... never ending... and yet everything still seems to get done... but yet although I am with others around me I am alone in my headspace… but you… being around you made everything still… quite… I liked that…
After that I want to lift her in the air next time I see her like I used to... but that's the past... a weaker verson of me... but can a man dream... Everything I fought for... crumbled in my hands...
everything I tried to maintain ... I failed...
I will come back and win... I always do...
