#dirkie

dirk & cam yaoi boys

New Post has been published on http://rlsblog.org/dirkie-coetzee-and-misja-helsloot-we-are-trance-wat003-web-2014-usf/

Dirkie Coetzee And Misja Helsloot-We Are Trance-(WAT003)-WEB-2014-USF

I dreamed about my brother for the first time last night, since his death.  At least, I hope it was just a dream. Before I fell asleep, I went to get me and my Mom each a glass of Coke; I woke up with hearing him and me thinking, that he was 'allready' home from work and I didn't ask him if he wanted some.

He replied that 'no, he just got home'. But I got the impression the he started and finished work at the same time. Like he just went to work, but he just finished his work day at the same time.

I opened my arms for a hug and he came and lay in them for a split second.  That hug was over so quickly ... I remember thinking he grew into a beautiful man, beautiful hair, skin, and 'he is not looking me in the eyes'.

He wore black slacks, and a pink shirt. The same that all his friends decided to wear to his funeral.  (It will be 7 years later this year) He talked about him and an 'Etienne' that shared a bedroom. Described where his bed was and where Etienne's was. And that Etienne had sold their mutal tv and that he understood why 'Etienne' felt he must sell it. I got the impresion that it wasn't sold for the reason of aquiring money though.

And then he was gone/I woke up.

I really miss him.  And I miss the idea of having a brother and the thought that I won't have one for the rest of my life.  I miss the possible relationship that we would have or could have grown into. Because, I have to admit that we didn't have much of one - I sometimes had the idea that it was his and my Sister's mission to make my life miserable at the time. They were typicle teenagers and too much of an age gap between me and them for me to comprehend them at the time.

And at the same time, I have to be contend with the realisation that the relationship that I currently have with my Mom and sister wouldn't 'be' if what happened didn't happen.  And that is the most saddest part of this; I had to loose him, to have a great relationship with my Mom and sister.

Why couldn't/can't I have a brother and have these wonderful relationships and time with my family?  Did God really see no other way?  Or is there another purpose to his death that I'm not aware of?  This part sucks.