#dirkeridan

None of you had really thought about how things would be after the game was won. Frankly just getting there had seemed like an unbelievable dream. But here you are, two soundly defeated unbeatable bosses later, most of you on your second or third chance at life, but all of you here and breathing.

Here you all are in a brave new world that looks nothing like home, full of people you've never met who look nothing like you. Here you are, a group of mortal gods with stories no reasonable person would believe if you told them. Here you are, a group of orphaned kids who carry the weight of two lost species.

Here you are and all you have is each other.

    Your name is Eridan Ampora and you once said that growing up is hard. You'd like to retract that statement.

It's the part after the growing up that's really shit.

You know, on an objective level, that you're better off as you are now. You know that it's better to care about other people and to understand how your actions have impacted them. You know that it's better to have matured enough to realize just how badly you've screwed up.

But holy shit was teenage sociopathy ever easier than this is.

You're not even sure how many of your old friends would be willing to give you a second chance and it serves as all the more motivation not to try.

You think that Feferi probably would, even after everything you put her through. You know better than most how dangerous she can actually be, but a lot of that sweetness is genuine. You think that even though you're you and even though you've been who you were, she's unlikely even now to turn you away from her friendship if you ask. So you can't.

Because somewhere in the dream bubbles you developed a conscience.

You think that Karkat could come around eventually. He's always been more of a softy than he ever wanted people to think he was (terrible trait for a troll, really). Now it's clear to you that he's hardened a bit, been changed by everything that's happened with all of you. Been changed by everything that all of you have done. But you think that in this beautiful, but lonely new world that you all created together, if you went to him he might tolerate you until he actually starts to care about you again. So you won't.

Because somewhere in the dream bubbles you learned shame.

You don't think that Nepeta and Equius would be that much of an issue. Nepeta barely knew you were alive before you died and Equius only did because your blood was purpler than his. It wouldn't be exactly a clean slate, but it's the closest you can come if you don't want to let go of the people that knew you before. So you don't.

Because somewhere in the dream bubbles you learned fear.

The truth is that the man you grew into is a coward. A second chance is a new opportunity to fuck it all up. It's a new way to hurt the same people all over again. And you're afraid to risk it because you don't know how you'll stand it if you ruin everything that way.

You don't know how you'll survive not being able to go home and knowing that they all hate you and that any chances are gone forever.

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you've grown up into a lonely kid. You don't dare to hope that anybody understands.

    You don't notice the humans making an effort to include you at first. You're not sure if it's because they're that tactful or because you're too absorbed in your own misery to be observant.

You like to think that it's the former.

(It's not.)

Jake's the most obvious about it because he's too much of a sweet kid to go about cheering anybody up with any kind of finesse. As much as you couldn't stand him during that nightmarish time where you were fused with Sollux, you cling to the kindness he shows you with a desperation that you'll later find out scares him a little.

Dirk tells you under no uncertain terms that you're making Jake antsy and to knock it the fuck off.

You expect them all to stop trying after that.

You're left feeling a little lost when Dirk only starts spending more time with you, nonchalantly easing into Jake's absences as if he was always there.

    (One day when you're both sleepy and content and the world doesn't seem so bad and your head's too fuzzy to work properly, you'll finally ask him why he's so eager to put up with you. You'll never be sure whether or not you dream the answer that it's because you never get sick of him.)

    When it was Before, you were always attracted to cheerful people in the red quadrant. If you try to tell any of your old friends they'll probably laugh at the thought that you ever had a type, but it's true.

So it's a bit of a surprise when you start to fall for Dirk's stoicism.

The consistency buoys you when you start to feel overwhelmed. No matter how worked up you get, he's steady and overreacting doesn't seem like such a big deal when he barely reacts at all. It feels so easy that sometimes you wonder what it would be like to be pale for him if you weren't already so undeniably flushed.

    (He'll never tell you, but it's admiration of your emotional honesty that makes him start to fall for you. It also makes him a little jealous.)

    This isn't a fairy tale and there's no happily ever after at the end of this story. The world is still strange and lonely and none of you can ever go home. Everything you've gone through will still have happened and it will still be a long time before you stop being afraid to try and heal old wounds. (In time you'll learn that he has a few of his own. There are some that he'll never tell you about.)

But one day he will ask you out and you'll be so surprised that you completely flub the answer. He'll take this in stride the way he does everything with you and you won't completely fuck it up because he won't let you. He'll be kind of intense, but you'll find it flattering. The first time you break through his stoicism and get him to laugh so hard that his shades slip down his nose and grant you a rare look at his eyes will be one of your favourite memories.

However good what you make together will be, it'll never be perfect. But after the end of everything, it'll be more happiness than either of expected.