#difficult parents

My mother made me do a personality test to see what kind of job I should have - the intent in her head, to prove a point that I'm in the wrong career.

Well, I did, and it said I should be doing... exactly what I currently work in.

Her response? Predictably: that I must have done it wrong! Also that my result was 'scary'! and that I need to change aspects of myself.

For what, mum?? So I can try and get a lower paid job that suits the me you have in your head and not the real one?

Hey there, sorry it took so long to get back to you!

The first thing I want to stress is that your health and safety are paramount. If you for any reason feel that you are in danger (either mentally or physically) living in your home, then I urge you contact CPS immediately. I know this can be very difficult and scary to do, especially because you are so young, but you are worth so much more, and you should not put your health or well being on the line. CPS will be able to find a temporary place for you to stay until you come of age and/or can start supporting yourself.

That said, here are some suggestions for you:

1. Spend the least time possible at home. 

Get involved in clubs or after school activities

Ask friends if you can stay at their houses a couple nights out of the week

Arrive early/stay late when working

Find free safe spaces like libraries to hang out in

2. Build your support system. I cannot stress how important this is! Please confide in those you trust, you do not need to go through this alone.

Confide in friends

Other family members

“Adults” who support you such as guidance counselors or teachers

Join support groups on the interent

3. Hone your “Adulting” skills.

Check out this post.

4. Care for yourself. You are the only person in your life who knows what’s really going on with you. If you need additional assistance caring for yourself or your disorder, utilize the free resources around you.

Speak to a trusted guidance counselor or teacher at your school

Contact a support line

Join a support group

Speak to a doctor who understands your situation

Caring for yourself also entails:

Being easy on yourself

Taking time in your day to do whatever makes you happy/calm

Allowing yourself to splurge

Allowing yourself to skip a day of school/work if your need to

Allowing yourself to spend time decompressing

Things that happened

emotional manipulation, it’s a seriously horrible thing when the ones doing it are the ones who raised you. Do not get me wrong, i love my parents. But as someone who depended her whole life on acknowledgement from said parents, friends and family and not really getting it, things like parents being in the middle of a (fight) divorce is a huge problem.

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i just want write an open letter to everyone know who’s parents are going through a very difficult divorce 

Both parties WIL try to get you on their side, they will try to get messages (badmouthing) across through you because they refuse to talk to eachother. They will ask you to deliver mail and everytime you go to the other parent they’ll make you feel like you’re hurting them. You will know more facts about the divorce than both parties do. Your parents will change / act differently, and probably even snap at you at one point. They will act incredibly stupid and do rash things

You will feel responsible, guilty.. you will feel sad and you WILL get angry a lot. you will say things you don’t mean and you will hurt your parents but 

I just want you to know it’s NOT your fault that this is happening... you have absolutely nothing to do with the whole situation and i BEG you to please talk to someone!!! friends, family someone you love/ trust, especially when your someone with mental health issues like myself. Find something to get your mind of of things. 

do NOT let your parents problems become your problems and do not let them hurt you. You are not your parents personal mailman/psychologist

The last thing i want to say that this can happen at any age i don’t care if you’re 12 or 25/ 30 etc

If anybody has any troubles with this i’m open to talk. Ask me anything

I (39F) share a home with my son and my mom (70F). It's a small house. She is retired and I am on summer break from my teaching job. Needless to say, it's easy for tension to build. She has a history of ignoring my boundaries. We've had several discussions about boundaries. She says she has no boundaries I have to follow for her, therefore, mine don't really matter. I.E. I told her my bedroom is not another living space and she is not allowed to hang out in there, clean it, etc. She still does and moves my stuff around. She claims that since she wouldn't care if I did that in her room, that it's automatically okay for her to do it to my room. My other boundary is "no means no." If I say "no" I mean it and I don't need to explain myself. Instead, if I say "no" she just keeps asking as if I'm going to suddenly change my mind. It's like I'm arguing with a toddler. For instance, she walks the dog everyday. And everyday, she asks if I want to go with her. I don't, because every minute away from her helps me with my sanity as an introvert. Of course I don't say this. I just say "no." But it is met with "come on"...."just come"..."it's good for you"...and doesn't stop until I lose it and we start fighting. Obviously, since this has been happening to me for nearly 40 years, we end up arguing and hurting our relationship. She's back from the walk now. I told her again that my boundary is she needs to accept my answer and move on. She started crying and said she's leaving the house and is going somewhere "where she is appreciated." So now it's my fault and I guess I don't appreciate her. How do I make things better?

You cannot control other people, which is part of the reason why boundaries are how WE react to protect ourselves. They are not rules and obligations we can impose on other people no matter how reasonable they are or how much they are to protect us. You communicated your boundaries to your mother, which is great and would be the end of things if she cared. But she doesn't, so now the hard part of boundaries actually comes in: enforcing your own well-being with your own actions.

So, if your mother won't stop going in your room, then you need to figure out if that boundary is important enough for you to protect or loose enough that you're willing to let it drop. I personally would not like this either, so I would install an external lock on my bedroom door and keep the key on my person or locked up somewhere my mother couldn't get to.

You can't get your mother to stop trying to badger you into going for a walk, but you can tell her "no" once, and then stop responding. And if ignoring her doesn't work or it's really annoying to listen to, you can put on noise cancelling headphones, turn an audiobook on to drown her out, or hole up in your room for a bit until she leaves.

The bigger option to deal with all of this is to evict your mother.

As for making things better, that's not really up to you. You are both involved in your relationship, so both of you need to work together to improve things. You can give your 50%, but you can't make her meet you halfway, which is necessary for healthy relationships. You can try enforcing your boundaries without arguing with her about it and giving it some time to see if she adjusts (and she may or she may not, it all depends). You can let her have her little manipulation fit and see that you're not going to bend, and she needs to adjust or lose her relationship with you. You can let her move out and hope that more space improves things between you two. You can decide she's more important and let her define your comfort zones for you. You can suggest family counseling and see if she's open to listening or changing. But someone is going to be upset for a while (or potentially the entire duration of your relationship), whether that's you, her, or both of you. It's going to be up to you to balance what you're okay with and for how long.

Some great advice for youth football parents and sports parents is to be 15 minutes early and not late to every event. Coaches hate it when your child is late. We understand every now and then work and traffic get in the way but usually a few families are always late. And just an FYI, everyone is talking about you and the fact you are always late. The team sees you. Below is a little post I…

November put me in place. November put me in place with the choices I made.

After class, I approached my professor, whom I dreamed of working with.

“Hi,” I said half-heartedly with a bright smile plastered on my face.

“Hello, how can I help you?” he questioned me.

“I really would love to have a look at the Kenneth Krackow Laboratory. I know there aren’t any open positions available for Master’s students right now. I admire your work and would love to take a look” I said in a low tone.

His iPhone rang.

“Can you give me a moment? It’s someone from the lab," he excused himself and walked out of the door.

After months of creeping into his publications, memorizing each article and publication word by word, and etching every person who worked in his laboratory in my pint-size brain, I felt teary-eyed that I would lose this position. I would never get the opportunity to work with Dr. Ehrensberger.

That morning, I felt like I didn’t have my life together. I felt scattered.

Voices of my parents picking up on me flashed before my eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner? It’s too late now. How can we help?” my mother said.

 I snapped out of it.

Andrew’s last words haunted me.

 “I hope you find someone better," he said. I could feel the bitterness in his voice. I looked at the skyline from the window. The skies were pale but they still looked pretty against the snow.

My mind wandered round and round in circles.

"I can see you’re struggling with something.”

 “We’re here."

“Talk to us."

I snapped out of all of it. Dr. Ehrensberger walked into the room. I focused on giving him a genuine smile.

“Sorry, it was a lab emergency. What were you saying?", he asked his voice chirpier than usual.

I smiled and repeated myself.

“Hamsi, I can see that you are doing well in my class. I was just trying to wait till the end of the semester to find a suitable project to welcome you into the laboratory. Will you be open to joining the lab this winter? I hope you do”, he smiled and exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Ye-s-s Professor. I would love to work with you”, I said stuttering, dumb-founded at his response.

We packed our bags as he gave me a tenatative timeline for the project and we parted ways as we bid each other good-byes.

I switched on the lights to realize none of my roommates were home. The kitchen looked quaint and tranquil without the bustling sounds of pots and pans clanking together. On the contrary,  at 9 am the kitchen looked like a warzone.

As my favourite song blared in the kitchen, I danced like no one was watching.

My head felt dizzy. I stopped myself and breathed in the fresh air. I stood near the counter recollecting myself.

I cried. I held onto the kitchen counter and pumped my fist up in the air, I hugged myself and sobbed even more. I realized I had never stopped working hard. I pushed myself hoping I would get a peek into his laboratory. The whole experience felt so monumental, even though November was tough.

My ragged relationship with my family, the intensity of the breakup, how tired I had been for the last few weeks didn't matter. I found a glimpse of the rainbow in the rain; I existed in between the lines and for a few seconds I didn’t give into the matrix.  For the first time I felt grateful for being here.

As my good friend always told me,

It's only uphill from this point on Hamsi, I can feel it for you.

I truly felt it.