#difficult emotions

From this article on anticipating hypo/manic episodes.

he'd been suffering from emphysema and lung issues in general for a good few years, due to a lifetime of heavy smoking. earlier this month he went in for surgery to insert some special tubes that would give him a 50/50 chance of improved breathing; about a week after he came home from that he couldn't breathe and had to go to the ER, where he almost died there, but a doctor saved him.

for about a week since then my dad was sedated and on ventilator, with the tubing removed, severe pneumonia, and a sketchy outlook, the surgery having failed. it got to the point that it became clear there was no coming back from this and he had do not resuscitate active, so they took everything out last night and he went peacefully, still sedated. from what i understand this surgery attempt hastened his death, but even beforehand he was in poor shape and miserable about things, so he probably didn't have a super-long time left anyway.

god, it hurts. partly because all of us spent so many years asking him to please stop smoking, and all he ever did was snap and snarl and keep going. partly because he could be an absolute asshole, an obsessive far-righter who watched fox news constantly and was racist and homophobic and antisemetic and every kind of hateful over things. i never planned on coming out to him, at least fully, and sometimes i felt like i'd be okay never talking to him again. partly because he could be bad at showing positive emotions and affection and could sometimes be verbally abusive, but he really did love us and when he said i love you to me and my brother and mom, he really meant it.

the last time i saw him in person was about seven years ago, for a few days. then nothing at all outside of phonecalls since, and then i saw him on video calls a couple times over the past few months. and when my mom informed us of his death today, she said his wishes were to be cremated and to have no funeral. and my mom said not to come to arizona, she was doing what she could on her own, and that we were to keep going with what we were doing, and wished me luck with my continuing job search.

so i'm...just so far removed from it all. i'm angry at him, but it hurts so much because i still loved him and he loved me, and because there's nothing for me to do. it hurts so much harder than i expected it to. i have to get my closure alone and far away from everybody, with no gathering, no anything, just...going on with my day, removed, at a distance. i've been given the news, and now it's apparently time to move on.

Close your eyes, and start to tune into what you are feeling and sensing:

Where is it located? is it all over, is it in one place? Is it in your head? in your stomach?

What color is it? is it bright? is it dim?

What temperature is it? is hot or cold?

What shape is the it? is it fluid or rough or pronounced?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Maul’s...passing. Or rather, I’ve been looking at how people have reacted to it. 

Some, like me, are simply sad about it.

Others are angry. 

People are furious that Maul died so easily after such a short fight, but it doesn’t stop there.

I’ve seen people go on to express how much they dislike other parts of Star Wars, when before Twin Suns aired, they seemed fine with it.

I understand that people are using their anger at Maul’s death as a coping method, but here’s the thing.

This is a very unpopular opinion, but I don’t feel angry about it. Like, at all.

Of course, I’m upset that things didn’t get better for Maul and I wish that they had, but I don’t feel any anger or resentment.

I feel like if I get angry about it, it’ll make me feel bitter and hollow and eventually I won’t be able to feel anything. I’d rather feel sadness than nothing at all.

I’m just gonna seek comfort in the fact that Maul’s in a better place. He’s got his brothers with him and his mother and Obi-Wan joined him later as well, so in a way, he did get a happy ending. Twin Suns was a turning point for him, but it didn’t end in despair. 

I still like to think that he’s sleeping or watching over Ezra. I write happy AUs where Maul finds peace in life rather than death. These are the coping methods that get me by. Not expressing hatred for the parts of Star Wars that don’t revolve around Maul. 

I know everyone feels hurt and deals with it in different ways, but now and then, if the majority of people in a fandom feel a certain way, they expect everyone else to feel the same way and get angry when they don’t. That’s not how the Force works. People should feel free to express their individual feelings about things without receiving criticism or pressure from their peers. This applies not only to fandoms, but to life as a whole. The phrase ‘Live and let live’ needs to be taken seriously.

I know people don’t agree with me. I know people feel angry about Maul’s death. I occasionally feel conflicted about it. Sometimes I slip back into denial. But I don’t feel angry. It just doesn’t happen. I’d rather be sad than angry. At least something good comes out of crying. Crying shows how much something means to you. Anger just increases the pain.