Hi. It’s me. The Spoon. That’s right, the spoon. The one from the nursery rhyme, yes. Ran away with the dish after the cow jumped over the moon. Oh, you remember? Wonderful. Most people do, I find, after just a moment of jogging their memory.
Anyway, I was thinking about getting my angle of the story out to the public. I mean right now people know very little about me. They only know what has been told by Mother Goose. Don’t get me wrong, Mother Goose is a sweet ol’ gal, but she’s a bit vapid. I mean she’s a classic, don’t get me wrong, but there might be something to the fact that her biggest demographic is toddlers.
Like I was saying, though, I really think people would benefit from hearing my side of things. The nursery rhyme makes me sound like such a floozy, which is only half true. I would have brought this up to Mother Goose before she released the nursery rhyme, but, and I think I speak for everyone involved when I say this, none of us really expected the rhyme to be so popular. Honestly, we just didn’t think it was very well written. I mean, have you read it? There is no exposition or character development, the climax is unclear and the resolution is nonexistent.
I still remember the evening Mother Goose gathered all of us – the cat, the cow, the dog, the dish and me – to read us her little poem. She finished, we politely applauded and told her we really loved it. We were lying, of course. I did have trouble hearing the poem because the cat wouldn’t put down his darn fiddle, but what I did hear wasn’t great. We actually felt bad for her; it was clear that her glory days were behind her. It’s always so hard to watch a falling star. As you can imagine, we were all completely shocked when the little rhyme became so famous! The dish and I were positively aghast, the cat was in disbelief and the cow was just over the moon.
And, so, dear publisher, I would love to write a memoir of what truly happened that day. I’d love to tell all about how the cat used fiddle-playing to overcome his sex addiction; About how the dog was a stoner and to expose what he was really laughing about; And, of course, I’d love to uncover the romantic backstory between the Dish and myself and why we had to run away together. (Spoiler: his mother is a cunt.)
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this letter! I am whole-heartedly convinced that there is so much money to be made here. People love a tell-all memoir and this one, I can assure you, will be filled to the brim with juicy, never-before-told gossip!
I look forward to hearing from (and working with) you soon.
Sincerely,
