SLB

   Tonight, Ryan Murphy sets the stage for the epic rivalry between two of Hollywood’s most iconic actresses - Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Both were leading forces in Hollywood’s Golden Age, with trailblazing careers, box office successes and bigger-than-life reputations. To bring these two badass women to life on the screen, you need two badass women behind the screen, and two badass women we have. Jessica Lange will portray Joan Crawford and Susan Sarandon will play Bette Davis.

   While we all know plenty about Jessica and Susan, some of us might need a quick refresher on Bette and Joan before the show airs tonight, so here we go!

   Both Bette Davis and Joan Crawford were born just after the turn of the century - Joan in 1904, Bette in 1908 - and both began their careers, not in front of a camera, but on stage. Joan began her career as a dancer and eventually as a chorus girl on Broadway. By 1925, Joan had signed a motion picture contract with MGM. Bette spent the 1920’s performing in plays, also making it to Broadway, before she moved to Hollywood in 1930. While Joan was quickly building a strong career with the firmly established MGM Studio, Bette’s early work was with Universal Studios, then primarily known for B-rated “monster pictures”, where she found little success.

   In 1932, Bette signed on with Warner Bros., where she would star in box office hits, enabling her to truly establish her career. At this time, Joan’s fame was peaking. By the end of the thirties, Joan had fallen into a slump. Studios considered Joan to be “box office poison”, but that didn’t last long. She made a comeback in the early 1940’s. Joan was known for playing the roles hard-working women. Bette, now enjoying success and fame, was known for her ability to play harsh and cold characters. Perhaps she did well with these types of roles because they weren’t too different from herself. Bette had a reputation for being an intense person, acutely combative and confrontational.

   Joan married Alfred Steele, who was an executive of the Pepsi-Cola Company. When Steele died, she was elected to fill his vacancy on the Board of Executives. She was forced to retire in 1973. At that time, she withdrew herself from public, becoming somewhat of a recluse, until she died in 1977. Joan’s daughter wrote a well-known tell-all, Mommie Dearest. Bette Davis put her career before her personal life, which affected her relationships. She was married four times - once widowed, thrice divorced. She was the co-founder of the Hollywood Canteen and was the first female president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Bette appeared in movies and on television almost right up until she died in 1989.

   Feud takes place in the early 60’s, as Bette and Joan prepare for the only movie they ever worked on together, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? At this point in their careers, both Bette’s and Joan’s fame and stardom had peaked. The stars were combatting sexism and ageism in Hollywood’s early years. They felt cast aside from the City of Stars, and both were fighting to rejuvenate their careers and repair their egos.

   Stage set. Lights. Camera. Action.

   This month, Jordan Peele turned 38 and released his first feature-length movie. Peele is widely known as the shorter half of the Key and Peele duo that found success with their hit sketch show on Comedy Central.

   The comedy and horror genres have a lot of parallels in their construction - each is about bending or heightening a specific rule and elevating the stakes. Each is about manipulating the release of suspense. In comedy you make the audience think something, then give a misdirection which creates a laugh. In horror, you make the audience believe they are safe and then pull the rug out from them to create a scare. Because of this, I always trust a comedian to write a horror movie and Jordan Peele created an original movie that serves as perfect evidence for my argument. 

   Get Out is refreshingly imaginative. It’s very rare that a horror movie tackles racial issues. Almost unheard of, in fact. The issue is brought up sometimes, like at the beginning of Scream 2, when Jada Pinkett Smith’s character pokes fun at the fact that scary movies are almost exclusively white people. But it’s one thing to be playfully self-aware, it’s another to dive deep into the ugliness of racism and allow that ugliness to serve as the very monster of the movie.

   1964’s Night of the Living Dead is often credited as being the first (and one of the only) horror movies to seriously address racial issues. George Romero, the writer and director of the film, insisted that this was never his intention, however, the movie so confidently confronts racism, especially given the time of its release, that its almost hard to believe it wasn’t deliberate. 

  Get Out faces racism head on. Jordan Peele, who both wrote and directed the film, began writing the movie back in 2012. In that year, Obama won reelection and Trayvon Martin was shot and killed for being a black boy in a white neighborhood. Obama winning reelection, to many, represented the end of racism in America, yet we still had glaring headlines such as those regarding Trayvon Martin. Clearly we were not living in a post-racial society. As Peele began writing the film, it was intended to wake up the liberal elite and expose them to the racism that is still healthfully thriving in our country. Peele admitted in a New York Times interview that within the past year or two, he did make some changes to the film. He said that the original message of the film was for a Hillary Clinton America. With Trump’s more blatant and arrogantly unapologetic racism, he decided the film needed to be less geared toward waking people up and more toward providing people with a hero.

   Enter Chris. Chris is the protagonist of the film. Chris’s girlfriend, Rose, played by Allison Williams (HBO’s Girls), invites him to meet her family for the weekend. Chris asks her if her family knows that he’s black, to which she admits that she never told them, but insists that it won’t make any difference.

   As Chris meets Rose’s relatives, he can feel that something is off. However, when vocalizes his concerns, he seems unsure if he’s actually encountering racism and hostility or if he’s being hypersensitive. Peele said he drew inspiration here from Ira Levin, who wrote Rosemary’s Baby and The Stepford Wives. In each, the story’s protagonist is propelled from their normal surroundings into an environment that seems anomalous and unwelcoming. According to Peele, he studied Ira Levin’s work to help keep the audience engaged and rooting for the protagonist. In order to do this, Peele argued, the motivation of the protagonist has to be crystal clear. The audience can’t be asking themselves why the protagonist is doing what he or she is doing. Furthermore, Peele studied the way that the protagonist in both Rosemary’s Baby and The Stepford Wives, when immersed in their new surroundings, questioned their own perceptions rather than immediately recognizing that they are in danger. In Get Out, Chris (and the audience) spends time wondering if the racist comments made by Rose’s relatives are an indication of danger or if Chris is seeing threats where there are none. It can be easy for the audience to scream “Get out!” at the screen early on in the film, but its worth reminding yourself that the characters in a horror movie don’t know that they’re in a horror movie.

  Comedic relief is important in any drama or horror movie. What would Les Miserables be without the Thénardiers? What would the Scream movies be without Randy? The comedic relief is just that - relief. It is a release for the audience and it makes the rest of the movie more enjoyable. The comedic relief in this movie is provided by Lil Rel Howery. Howery owns whatever scene he’s in and the audience seems to automatically love him to the point that there’s almost literally a sigh of relief whenever he’s on screen.

   Saturday, May 7, 1921 was the first ever White House Correspondents Association Dinner. As the Prohibition was in full swing, they had to create their own fun, which came in the form of satire - a tradition that stuck, even when Prohibition ended.

   Warren G Harding was President at the time and the dinner itself was in large part because of his election. Harding’s predecessor, Woodrow Wilson, had a contemptuous relationship with the press, and, toward the end of his presidency, stopped holding press conferences altogether. Harding, who himself had been newspaper publisher, was seen by the press as one of their own and one of Harding’s first acts as President was to throw a celebratory dinner for those who helped cover his campaign. Still, Harding himself did not attend the dinner. The first President to attend the even would be Harding’s successor, Calvin Coolidge, in 1924.

   Since Coolidge attended the event in 1924, every sitting President has attended the dinner at least one time during their four-year term. President Obama attended eight times. The last President to miss a dinner was President Reagan, but he had good reason: he was recovering from being shot. While he was unable to be there in person, he did call in on the loud speaker and have some playful banter with the host, Robert Pierpoint, where Reagan said, “If I could give you just one little bit of advice, when somebody tells you to get in a car quick, do it.”

   So Reagan was the last sitting President to miss a dinner, technically, though he was bouncing back from an assassination attempt and he did make an appearance of sorts by calling in. Who was the last sitting President to just skip the dinner for no reason other than just not wanting to go? That’d be Nixon. Yes, Trump will be the first President since Nixon to play hooky during the White House Correspondents Dinner. Like Trump, Nixon was thin-skinned and didn’t handle being poked fun at well. There are plenty of parallels to draw between Trump and Nixon, not least of which being that undoubtedly both Presidents end up getting impeached.

  Trump has attended the dinner before, though, most famously in 2011. The host, Seth Meyers, destroyed Donald Trump. Meyers on stage saying, “I heard Donald Trump will be running for President as a Republican, which is funny, because I’d assumed he was running as a joke.” The crowd laughed hysterically. Meyers went on, joking about how Trump frequently appears on Fox, which is funny, because a fox frequently appears on Trump’s head. A camera on Trump shows that he is the only one in the room not laughing. Seth continued, “Donald Trump said recently he has a great relationship with the blacks, although unless the Blacks is a family of white people, I bet he’s mistaken.” Uproarious laughter from everyone. Well, everyone except Donald. 

   I, like probably most other Americans, thought that after the wildfire success of Hamilton, that Broadway had peaked, patted itself on its back for a job so well done, and clicked off the lights. Thankfully, that’s totally untrue. Broadway is still churning out works of art and it turns out that at least one of them is bloody brilliant - that one being Dear Evan Hansen.

   Dear Evan Hansen is new Broadway musical that tells the story of a socially awkward misfit, Evan Hansen, who, at the advice of his therapist, writes a letter to himself each morning: “Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, here’s why…” Well, one day as Evan writes this letter to himself at his school’s computer lab, another lonely misfit named Connor finds it and berates Evan about the letter. Connor steals the letter and storms off.   Days later, Evan is called to the principals office. When he arrives, Connor’s parents inform Evan that Connor killed himself and that they found a letter addressed to Evan Hansen in his pocket. Connor’s parents, under the assumption that Connor and Evan must have been friends that wrote letters to each other, ask Evan through tears about their relationship and Evan, riddled with anxiety and unable to tell the grieving parents that their son was actually a bully who had stolen Evan’s self-addressed letter, goes along with it. What starts out as a little lie grows and grows as Evan fabricates a mass exchange of emails to serve as evidence of the nonexistent friendship between Evan and Connor. As the emails go public, other students come together to start a viral online presence they call The Connor Project. Meanwhile, Evan is becoming closer and closer with Connor’s family and distancing himself more and more from his own mother.

   Evan Hansen is played by Ben Platt. Ben Platt is insanely talented. I got to see Book of Mormon in Chicago a couple of years ago where Ben Platt played the role of Elder Cunningham and I thought he was absolutely terrific and his delivery and comedic timing was side-splitting.    Because so much of what Evan does throughout the show is morally ambiguous, the role demands a certain level of vulnerability from the actor portraying him in order for the audience to remain on his side. Platt plays the role flawlessly. He will give you all the feels you could ever ask for plus half a dozen extra free of charge.

   Another aspect that helps with the moral ambiguity of the show is the fact that the music is damn near perfect. The music allows us to glimpse into the soul of the characters in a way not otherwise achievable, which allows the audience to relate and empathize with what the characters are going through and where they’re coming from.

   The music for the show was done by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, who also wrote the lyrics for the contemporary movie-musical La La Land. Steven Levenson wrote the book, meaning he’s the mastermind behind the brilliant and original story and all the characters involved. Michael Greif, whose name you might recognize because he’s a Broadway legend, directed the show. He also directed Rent and Next to Normal.

  Okay, please allow me a few moments to totally queen out over Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl performance last night.

   First of all, I spent the whole day anxiously going through all of my Lady Gaga t-shirts (I have a dozen of them), reviewing her iconic music videos and refreshing myself on the choreography. I had very big expectations for this performance. And why shouldn’t I? I’ve seen her in concert, I own HBO’s Monster Ball (filmed live at Madison Square Garden) - I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this bitch knows how to command the stage, put on a show, and work that fucking crowd!

   The first act of the football game, frankly, was rather dull. The blocking wasn’t very original, the delivery was predictable. Though I will say that I appreciated the hell out of the costumes, particularly the way the tight pants left little to the audience’s imagination. But I knew that the real show would come at halftime (RE: intermission).    Finally the Act I Finale wraps it up and Tony Bennett announces that its showtime. My heart is damn near beating out of my chest already and then I realize that Mama Monster is up on the goddamn roof of the mother fucking football stadium and I queef straight through my penis hole.    Then, before I can even process that I’m the first male to ever queef, drones light up the night sky behind Mama Monster and my brain is unable to register anything other than how fucking beautiful and innovative this is just TEN SECONDS IN. So I’m working hard now to get my wits about me, trying to take in this light up American flag behind Gaga and then the bitch just fuckin’ jumps like a god damn animal in the rainforest right off of the roof. I was literally Damian at the end of Mean Girls when Cady breaks the tiara.

   Then it clicks that my bitch has cables attached to her hips (she’s always prepared, hunny) and she’s gonna live! So when Gaga makes that landing and we hear that “mah, mah, mah, mahhh” and then she sings “I’m on the edge!”, I’m almost pissing myself. Truly.    As an aside - one of my favorite signature Gaga moves is when she sings something dramatic and then hits a pose and freezes for a while. I don’t know why, but it always makes me feel like I just came. Plus, Mother hasn’t performed a lot of these hits since 2014 when the ArtRave ended. Since then she’s been singing Jazz with Tony and giving os country music realness, but you know we need some pop Gaga, hunny.

   Anyway, Gaga flies and flips and glides her way down to the MainStage to perform WHAT? BORN THIS WAY! So I’m gagging to the point of choking on this Monster dick, taking me back to the classics, she’s serving the original choreography, the dancers robes reminiscent of the iconic Born This Way flesh robes they wore back in the day and I am simply loving every second with every fiber of my being. She even did that good ol’ skip/jump dance move she loves to do when she gets excited. Girl, I was LIVING.   Then, girl, without a moment for me to catch my breath, she slip-slides right in to TELEPHONE, kicking it off with the clap, clap, floss dance move. Bitch I am telling you I lost my breath in that moment. The choreography in Telephone is fierce as fuck and I know its very demanding on the respiratory system because I tried learning it and I could hardly even say my name afterwards, let alone sing the damn song.    Next we get into the one that started it all - Just Dance. Gaga brings out that good ol’ guitar/piano contraption. This bitch can play damn near any instrument. I know I know that. I know the LGBT community knows that. But Gaga showed all the straight football lovers that tonight, and I’m very happy about that.

  Now it’s time to slow it down for a minute and sing something beautiful while I wipe the cum off of my pants. Now, there’s nothing more angelic than Lady Gaga sitting at a piano and singing her heart out. When I die, assuming God is real and she’s pleased with me, that is what will be waiting for me in Heaven: Gaga at a grand piano.

   So Mother Monster gave us a second to inhale and exhale and then she says “Wake the fuck up” by going into - WHAT?! - BAD ROMANCE. You know I can’t even sit still right now. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t do anything but run around my whole house screaming at pitch so high every dog within a five mile radius was losing it’s mind. Gaga gave us a costume change showing off her sexy ass toned body, her backup dancers are in classic Bad Romance gear, the energy is explosive, there are actual explosions behind her, the choreography is slaying, the lighting is having an orgasm, Gaga is running up stairs in giant ass heels - still singing - then she throws down that fuckin’ mic AND catches a football?!?!?!?!? BITCH.

   BITCH.

   WHAT?

   BITCH.

   WHAT ARE YOU?

   WHAT ARE YOU MADE OF?

   BITCH.

   Not only can you sing. Not only can you dance. Not only are you fashion. You can also catch a football?

   Bitch.

   You. Are. Everything.

   Love you forever.    Forever.