#did log

Did recovery/re integration process continues to be the most taxing and difficult experience of my life every time I feel like im starting to make observable progress I end up starting to unrepress more things and there's just layers and layers and layers to the trauma and it just truly feels unending like there will never be another side and it will continue to just go deeper and deeper and at this point it truly feels as though the dissociation is just getting worse by the day and I am aware that like its less that thats the case and more that im becoming more aware of the dissociation and like internal experience of having such a fragmented and dissociated state of cognition so really its a good thing because it shows that--(stopped being able to follow this train of thought at this point as it began to lead to a thought spiral/memory which would have undoubtedly resulted in me remembering whatever it is certain parts of me are needing to repress in order for me to be able to function at the moment, which is at this point in my life and the amount of active dissociation required in my day to day to allow me to function something that literally happens frequently throughout the day)

I had my second ever like full physical sensation (including pain), auditory, cognitive, and emotional flashback that I can recall experiencing earlier (like, FULLY 100% reliving the actual immediate sensation of the traumatic experience all connected and aware of like what exactly was happening in my head and I gotta say. Probably one of the worst experiences in yhe entire world and I understand why I had to cope with it in the past by falling into full acute paranoid delusions rather processing it as the result of real life trauma ive experienced . The things I know about myself now. Like. Im barely fucking dealing at this point in my life I literally understand how the experience of sort of organically starting to process certain things in the past periodically for so long resulted in absolute insane person behavior and eventual recompartmentalizing of all of it, over and over again, for basically the past decade at Least. Im currently in an exhibiting absolute insane person behavior era but this is the first time I spend probably the majority of my time like actually aware and able to connect the pieces for the most part and like connected enough to my past experiences to recognize patterns of behavior and like connect and understand them all at a higher level so. Cautiously hopeful that maybe this time instead of recompartmentalizing everything and accidentally finding myself in the same retraumatizing patterns forever without understanding how I got there or what I need to do to get out of them, I will actually be able to retain like a level of context about my life and experiences to continue making the decisions necessary to really start to finally remove myself from those patterns.

hmm. okay my social work course is coming up and. my physical health has been on a rapid decline in the last 6 months and i can barely leave the house without almost passing out/being in constant pain and i don't know if studying would be.. the best idea rn? im going insane with nothing to do but there are so many factors to making this decision and so many of them rely on healthcare magically going my way/helping me for once, which is extremely unlikely. physical pain combined with the amount of amnesia and just. general memory loss i've been experiencing makes studying seem like a worse and worse option at the moment and im so tired of chronic pain and ptsd stopping me from having a normal life and doing things i enjoy.