I had my second ever like full physical sensation (including pain), auditory, cognitive, and emotional flashback that I can recall experiencing earlier (like, FULLY 100% reliving the actual immediate sensation of the traumatic experience all connected and aware of like what exactly was happening in my head and I gotta say. Probably one of the worst experiences in yhe entire world and I understand why I had to cope with it in the past by falling into full acute paranoid delusions rather processing it as the result of real life trauma ive experienced . The things I know about myself now. Like. Im barely fucking dealing at this point in my life I literally understand how the experience of sort of organically starting to process certain things in the past periodically for so long resulted in absolute insane person behavior and eventual recompartmentalizing of all of it, over and over again, for basically the past decade at Least. Im currently in an exhibiting absolute insane person behavior era but this is the first time I spend probably the majority of my time like actually aware and able to connect the pieces for the most part and like connected enough to my past experiences to recognize patterns of behavior and like connect and understand them all at a higher level so. Cautiously hopeful that maybe this time instead of recompartmentalizing everything and accidentally finding myself in the same retraumatizing patterns forever without understanding how I got there or what I need to do to get out of them, I will actually be able to retain like a level of context about my life and experiences to continue making the decisions necessary to really start to finally remove myself from those patterns.
I am still finding myself exhibiting trauma behaviors I cant explain a lot of the time (like... I was supposed to start my job today and instead I literally blacked out for hours and had one of the most severe dissociative episodes ive had in a very long time) but there is an observable difference in how I am reacting to those behaviors and like reducing the harm they may cause my day to day life and goals (finally figured out how to voice my needs to my partner so they could help me understand and process what was happening, finally met myself wjere I was at with grace and compassion so instead of literally ghosting yhe job and having to restart the whole process like I have in the past in a situation like this I ended up contacting my manager and explaining there was an emergency and I still totally have my job, and I also like finally made the step to get in contact with a new therapist who works specifically with trauma processing and integration efforts)
