#diary;self

"this opinion/question/expressible point of connection I want to pose will mark me as a 'bad person' and therefore open me to harassment"

and

"I need to be 100% open and honest about my every thought and feeling or else I am lying, and that makes me a bad person".

And online discourse culture just amplifies that by like, a million.

Obviously, in putting it so plainly, neither thought is correct.

It's not healthy to avoid all connections because I'm afraid someone will accuse me of being a bad person.

It's also not healthy to put all my thoughts and feelings on display-- I'm allowed privacy.

Disagreements with someone shouldn't shake my very foundation of belief in self.

Especially when I agree with 99/100 points about issue X, but not point #100- I shouldn't feel like I can't talk about point #100 without being accused of disagreeing with points 1 through 99 and therefore "a bad person".

Idk. It's especially hard to talk about this issue without bringing up an example issue. But to bring up an example tends to steer the conversation to talking about that issue, and that's not the point.

I don't want to talk about Hot Button Issue #3. I want to talk about how the culture behind black and white Stances is harmful to me.

But I don't have good language for that.

Callout culture and purity culture touch on it. That fear of being Found Out to be Bad about something. Even though I am not bad?

The idea that once you're Found Out to be Bad you can never recover, never grovel enough, never apologise enough, never grow and learn enough, never be free from accusations and reminders.

Me: *worries about being a bad person*

Also me: *worries that worrying about being a bad person makes me a bad person*

I think everyone probably has some of that in them, yeah?

Sometimes I like to think about how one could instill those values into a child.

Because the reason I am the way I am is in large part because of trauma response. An example:

I'm very attentive to people's needs, because I'm a people pleaser. But I think that the world would be better if everyone were somewhat attentive to other people's needs. I think I take it too far, as it is somewhat neurotic in me. But I think there is a healthy measure.

How would you teach a healthy amount of attentiveness to a child? How would you help push them away from too much or too little?

What would have been a non abusive way to instill the values I hold?

This is not my life, not my house, not my pets, not my partners, not my things.

Everything I remember as "mine" is gone. Again. It feels like every time I "wake up" I'm having to start over, rebuild, find some meaning in a life I'm not living.

Only for whatever I make to be gone again the next time.

I don't want to interact with this life, because I don't want to ruin what is here, nor get attached to it.

The me that lives this life normally... Likes it. Loves these people, wants to build things here. So if I touch it, try to make it comfortable for me... It'll be no good for the me that I am not now. It'll be no good for Luca, for Magoo, for Jason, Virgil, Raz, Jade, Kid, Little One, Conner, for all the others in my head who are happy here.

But I can't get attached to it, either. Because even if I don't change anything, it could all go away. And the next time I'm me again... It'll hurt even more.

Scared feels like too strong a word, but here we are.

I know it's safe. I know it's more likely to help than not. I know I'm choosing to do this and can withdraw consent from the study at any time. I know, I know, I know.

But there is something that feels so... permanent about it, like once I do it I can never un-do it.

The hope and desperation outweighs the fear.

Like "I have at least one new alter because of it" worse.

On the plus side they are going to switch me to the other treatment (IV-Ketamine) to see if that works for me. Which is the treatment I was looking into/researching that led me to this study.

This time went better. Had a better amount of sleep prior, and decided to take my vitamins (including caffeine) before instead of after.

Decided not to ask about an IV set because I really don't want to have something in my hand for the rest of the month+.

Much less pain this time. Only in one temple, and only maybe 1/3rd as bad. Didn't have nausea when I woke up, but did have to take a gravol a bit after getting home.

Not yet really feeling any different, other than hopeful-- like at the beginning of any new treatment. But I'll have all the pre-treatment surveys I have to do to really tell if it is making a difference or not. That's a plus to doing it as part of a study, I am building quite a lot of data about my depression that I'm told I can have access to.

Had a brief blackout nap-- y'know the ones where you're sitting on your phone or w/e and then suddenly it's an hour later and you don't remember falling asleep?

Took another caffeine and had lunch with some family.