#diary log

thoroughly enjoyed the last few days:

lots of journaling (really love the messy vibes of this diary entry)

bought myself an authentic matcha set & made matcha (yay)

pinterest doom scroll

music, music and music

my summer manifestsation list. 🌞

⧽ clear dewy skin & get rid of my dark spots

⧽ have my dream body, head to toe

⧽ go to Ontario for my birthday

⧽ get an abundance amount of money constantly

⧽ a divine feminine self concept & aura energy

⧽ getting hired at a new part-time, well-paying, flexible job

⧽ be a social butterfly, meet new people and get invited often

⧽ attract my lovely, true, chaotic & hilarious friend group (6 SPs)

⧽ a potential significant other/having an attractive secret admirer

⧽ a luxurious themed birthday

⧽ have my prominent ingenue appearance

⧽ pass all my semester two classes

⧽ see an improvement in my overall physical fitness

⧽ go shopping and buy everything on my lists

⧽ hair growth & dyeing my hair with no problem

⧽ getting my dream piercings

⧽ getting endless fun opportunities & making memories

⧽ having an online friendgroup/online bsf

⧽ watch all the animes and read all the manhwas in my lists

...I will be packing some things and going back to the castle in a week, I will ask Coran to send me the coordinates

DIARY LOG 01

I’M GOING CRAZY!!!! I’m so tired of having nothing to do, nothing to stress out about!!! I’m going crazy!!!!

I think I’m touch-starved, too!! That’s my love language, I think! I’m so starved of it! I want to hold somebody! I want to have my hand on someone’s back! I want to lay down with somebody, and do nothing but cuddle!! I want to cuddle!! Ugh!!!

I’m probably gonna enroll in some kind of college program. I can’t be in my apartment forever, the internet isn’t healthy for me. I’ve scrolled for hours, I’ve played games, I’ve watched a lot of videos and movies.

Maybe cooking??? I don’t know. Should I try cooking, again??? I used to want to be a chef, I’m still pretty good at cooking... Or I can go into art, but I don’t think I’d do very well.

I might go with the safer option, that being cooking. I like cooking.

you're doing your best. more than your best. you're doing everything you fucking can. you are trying so hard. and I see you trying so hard. to keep boundaries up. to keep your faith strong. to keep believing it'll all be okay. asking for help. resting when you need. hydrating more. giving support when you can. I know. and I see you. and I'm so sorry that others keep knocking you down to get a response out of you, so they feel justified in attacking you. I'm so sorry you keep getting hurt, even when you do everything in your power to stop it. and I'm here to tell you it's coming to an end

reactive abuse is real. it's when your reactions to high stress and abuse are used as justifications to hurt and abuse you more. something Dionysus told me yesterday was. if you feel like you're about to go postal. genuinely? the stress is that fucking bad. the abuse is that fucking bad. and that in itself justifies you reacting the ways you have been. it is a symptom of a much larger issue. multiple intertwining. the symptom in of itself is not the problem

please, please don't give up in thinking it'll all be okay. I know it's hard. Gods, I know it is fucking hard. and I know you're trying everything. the Divine hear your prayers. they see you doing what you can to cocreate, relying on yourself and them. they feel your pain

if you feel it is too much, all you have to ever say, in your head, written down, aloud, any way of expressing it that feels natural to you in the moment... is say "Please, Most High/God/Gods/Divine/Spirit Guides/Angels/Universe/whatever highest good you believe in. Please take it into your hands" and they'll know what you're talking about

if you're ever afraid of being misunderstood by them, they see your intentions clearly. if you need or want to ask for specifics, PLEASE do not hesitate. they want you to be as specific as you want with your needs and wants being taken care of, fulfilled, with the help you need. you do not have to beg for help you inherently deserve. if you feel you ask too much... think again! 💗

because you are so loved. you are always always loved. every moment of every day. every time you crack a joke. every time you dance. every time you give yourself understanding. every time you ask the Divine or your neighbor, family member, friend, and strangers for help. every time you love being you, you are loved

every time you communicate in your native or heritage languages, using your disability aid, correcting others on your pronouns, connect with your heritage, connect with the Earth, get gender affirming care, heal yourself in any way. you are loved

every moment you exist, have ever existed, and will ever exist? you are loved beyond measure. simply by existing. simply by nature of being you

if anyone ever plants doubt into you about that, they are not worthy of YOU. they are unworthy of your time, effort, and energy. because they do not love themselves, and want you to do it for them while making you doubt YOUR love you have naturally. you deserve better. you deserve to be surrounded only by people that love you as you. Barest Minimum

if you're struggling, you deserve somebody to reach out and say "hey. I noticed you're not doing well/struggling/haven't been acting the same. is everything okay? you don't have to tell me the entire story if you don't want to, though if you do, I'm here to listen"

bare minimum

I know you're that person for so many other people. and sometimes you give more than you have the energy for. and they still demand more. they still want you to do this, and that, and more for them. and you are allowed to have boundaries! you're allowed to say "hey, I actually can't right now/need to stop doing this/can't be that person for you"

if you feel guilty/ashamed/like you're in the wrong after they respond to your boundaries, if you feel like you just need to try harder... that is not your guilt, shame, or blame to carry. and they are not deserving of your help, time, effort, and energy. and if they insist, you are allowed to get angry, upset, and to communicate such. and if they continously berate you, then you have have every right to go off on them for disrespecting you and your boundaries.

"The lips of fools bring them strife, and their mouths invite a beating. Proverbs 18:6"

talk shit get hit is literally in the bible. there's a story about Aphrodite, where a mortal hit on Her and made romantic advances on Her without Her consent. She told him "No. You have no right to disrespect me. and if you continue, you will regret it." and he did the typical "whatever you're a whore anyways and I wasn't interested, and you're stupid for thinking I was!" to yknow. a Goddess

he had a chariot race the next day, foolishly thinking he'd win. that night, Lady Aphrodite fed his horses (Her sacred animal) Her enchanted water. They gladly drank the compassionate waters from Her loving hands

the next day, his horses wouldn't listen. he tried by force, yelling beratements and brutally whipping them. they decided they were fed up with this treatment. they careened out of control, taking the reins into their own hands, so to speak

they crashed his chariot. on purpose. while he was reeling from the crash, his horses ate him alive. his own downfall being his hubris and arrogance thinking he could force, shame, and guilt his way into good graces and love of the Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Grace HERSELF

so if you are facing horrible treatment at the hands of those who pretend to have or fulfill the role of taking care of you, and promised they would only do good unto you, telling others that they have your favor... and they only mistreat you? especially if they were supposed to support you, as a parent, partner, family member, neighbor, coworker, teammate, supervisor, teacher?

they will regret it.

I feel Ixchel, Freya, Aphrodite, Bast, Hathor, Ishtar, Parvati, Nemesis, Hera, Frigg, Hades, Hel, Isis, Horus, Anubis, Sekhmet, Ra, Ishtar, Themis, Odin, Zues, Lugh, Kali, Ganesha, Persephone, Hekate, Dionysus, Athena, Kartikeya, Tyr, Forseti, Ma'at, Poseidon, and many, many more. they are by my side and, if this message resonates with you, yours as well

angel numbers to confirm this message is for you; 1111, 333, 911, 414, 555, 888, 963, 369, 639, 411, 144, and 999