#dhau

Another DH Fan Short! It’s been a while, so this one is fairly light-hearted. I couldn’t think of a name for this short, so I asked Montana for any ideas: this is the name she suggested. 

Enjoy!

Seconds after he hears the front door slam, the Nice One looks up to see his crazier self standing in the kitchen doorway, dripping with mud.

"Hey, Shoulder Angel! Come check out my mud pit!!" the crazy one calls, his usual manic smirk plastered on his face.

"What did you do?" the kind one sighs, "And why are you- oh… Mud pit. Right… One more question: Why??"

"Why not?" the other shrugs, "Anyway, c'mon, before it dries up!"

The psychotic one lunges forward and grabs the gentle one's arm, pulling him into the hallway. The Nice One immediately pulls away.

"Hey! Get your filthy hands off me!" he snaps, "And get out of my pristine kitchen!"

A maniacal grin spreads over the crazy one's face as he locks eyes with Shoulder Angel.

"Pristine, you say?"

"Don't you dare!"

The violent one shoves his way into the kitchen.

"I said don't!"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ME ASSERTING DOMINANCE!" the manic one, who was already plastering grubby hand prints over everything in the kitchen, yells.

"Alright, that's it!!" the gentle one grabs his muddier self by the collar and yanks him back into the hallway, "Outside!" he lets go of the crazy one's collar and instead begins pulling him by the hand.

"Ooooh, Mr. Strong!" the psychotic one says, "Maybe you can dominate today, Shoulder Angel," he smirks, giving the other a coy wink.

"Shut up," the kind one snaps, "I told you not to talk like that."

"And I told you not to be so teasing!"

The Nice One scans his hand and shoves the destructive one out the front door, shutting it behind them.

"Shoulder Angel!" the crazy one gestures to an enormous mud puddle at the foot of the stairs, "Isn't it magnificent?!"

"Your amount of stupidity is magnificent," the orange-shirted one mutters.

"Hey!"

The kind one sighs.

"You're absolutely caked in mud. What did you do, roll around in it??"

"Yes."

"...Again, why??"

The other only shrugs.

Sighing once again, the Nice One steers the violent one away from the…mud-pit… and picks up the hose.

"You want a turn in the mud pit?" the psychotic one smirks.

"Absolutely not. I'm hosing you down before you go back inside," Shoulder Angel mutters, turning to face his crazier self.

The Scary One freezes.

"...What?"

"I said I'm hosing you down. So c'mon," the psychotic one notices a reluctant grimace on the kind one's face, "Strip."

The violent one quickly attempts to regain his composure.

"Oh, so ya finally want a piece of me, huh?" he smirks, striking a dramatic pose.

"Stop it," the gentle one sighs.

"If ya want me to take my clothes off, you're gonna have to earn it, sweet cheeks!"

"I said stop it!"

"C'mon, ya gotta at least buy me dinner first!"

"Stop fooling around, Rick!" the kind one snaps, "Just strip so we can get this over with!"

"Stop shouting at me, Shoulder Angel!" the crazy one retorts, "Can't I just take a shower?"

"Heck no, you'll just 'assert your dominance' all over my beautifully clean bathroom like you did in the kitchen!"

The psychotic one crosses his arms over his chest defensively.

"I…I don't wanna strip, Shoulder Angel," the crazy one protests.

"Oh, so all of a sudden you're shy?" the kind one answers sarcastically, "Spare me your dramatics and just get undressed already!"

"I said no!!"

"You can keep your boxers on! And the water's not even cold, you'll be fine!"

"No!! I'm not gonna let you hose me off like some sort of animal!"

"If you don't want to be treated like an animal then don't roll around in the mud like one then," the Nice One snaps, "If ya don't strip I'll just hose you with your clothes on!"

The violent one glares at his nicer self for a moment before furiously tearing his shirt off.

"There, ya satisfied?!"

"Don't make me say it, Rick."

"Say what?! Go on, if ya want me to do it so badly! "

"Take your pants off!" the kind one snaps.

"THERE!" the destructive one yells, pulling his trousers off, "Want me to bend over too?! I though I was the 'sicko' around here??"

The kind one lets out a frustrated sigh.

"It's just a hose, Rick! Calm the heck down!"

"NO, YOU CALM THE HECK DOWN! IT'S JUST MUD, SHOULDER ANGEL!" the crazy one is suddenly roaring as he feels something inside him snap, "TAKE ANOTHER STEP CLOSER WITH THAT HOSE AND I SWEAR I'LL TIP THE KITCHEN ON ITS HEAD!"

The Nice One pauses, looking back at his psychotic self. He notices him shaking. Slowly, he lowers the hose and takes a step backwards.

"Hey," the kind one says, softening his tone, "It's alright. Take a deep breath, man."

The psychotic one forces himself to take a deep breath, still scowling.

"You…You're right, it's just mud. Maybe I'm overreacting a little," the gentle one admits, slowly placing the hose on the floor.

The crazy one sits down in the grass and curls into a ball.

"...If you don't want me to hose you, then I won't," the other says softly. The Scary One nods in acknowledgement.

Being careful of the mud, the gentle one sits down beside him, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…I'm sorry."

The manic one takes another deep breath.

"...I used to get hosed off when I was a kid. They'd grab me by the hair and just, wrangle me under the hose," the psychotic one blurts out, gesturing graphically, "And if I protested, I'd get hit…"

"I'm sorry," the kind one apologises again, "I had no idea."

"It's fine," the crazy one mutters.

"Would you be okay with hosing yourself down?" the kind one asks. The other quickly shakes his head.

"Alright," he sighs, "You…You can go take a shower. But don't mess anything up! And if the bathroom's a mess afterwards, you're helping me clean it up. Deal?"

"Sure thing, Shoulder Angel!" the psychotic one springs to his feet, a grin returning to his face, "Just you and me, alone in the bathroom together," he adds with a wink.

The Nice One sighs and stands up.

"Go before I change my mind," he mutters.

The crazy one immediately bolts to the door, scans his hand, and then inside.

"Rick, wait!!" the kind one calls, "Put your clothes back on first!"