#dgm rants

Okay, time to rant. I just have a lot of things on my mind at the moment, and I need to let some of it out. If you care about D-Gray Man as much as I do, and specifically if you care about Kanda Yuu as much as I do, you will understand how much angst I’m feeling right now. (After all, Kanda’s story is intended to fill anyone to the brim with sadness, angst, love, and more angst) But yea, you get what I mean. I just think about him a lot, and in the process of reading (too much) blogs and theories about him I just. Can’t. Take it. When people talk about him as if he’s a guilty party. Like. Seriously. I know he was a douchebag (he still is) and he stabbed Allen and he killed without mercy and he didn’t know how to be sweet and sentimental and he didn’t tell anyone about Allen’s first signs of awakening and everything but. Seriously. People think Allen did not deserve all the suffering he’s going through, and Alma did nothing wrong, and yet they are convinced that Kanda is guilty? Like seriously?

Kanda did not deserve any of the horrible things that happened to him. He DID NOT. Getting resurrected from the dead even though he had already died fighting for the good of humanity? Having the love of his life resurrected and taken away from him? Being lied to about who he was, being lied about how he had lived before as a HUMAN BEING, and how he had been turned into a half-baked fighting machine, half-human-half-monster of a disaster? Having to cut down his only friend so he could live on and find the shadow of his past that was the only proof of how he once knew loved, how he was once human? Having to face his only friend and destroy him AGAIN because that was the only thing an exorcist could do to save an AKUMA? Being manipulated by the Earl and the Noah to bring out the worst in Allen, against his own will? Being bitten by the guilt of hurting someone important to him, so much so that he couldn’t allow himself to rest in peace, AGAIN?

Kanda Yuu knows pain all too well. He’s probably one of the people who knows it best, besides Cross Marian and Nea D.Campbell. These are the people who have suffered endless sorrow, and who have had to make extremely painful decisions, one after another, to keep moving forward. I’m surprised Hoshino didn’t make more connections between these characters (Cross and Nea most likely have more canon interactions and comparisons). But yea. If Allen had to keep telling himself to move forward, Kanda Yuu must certainly did, too. He had done it so many times, it had become a drill. Every time it seems like it’s better for him to die and lay everything to rest, he gets back up, refusing to let himself die. And yes, it would have been better for him to die a long time ago. He should have died on that treatment table when those scientists tried to euthanize him. He should have died along with Alma when Alma tried to take the world down to hell with him. He should have died when Skinn Bolic burnt him with lightning. He should have died when he had to fight Alma AGAIN, years later after he was meant to kill him. He could have died and everything would have been easier. Yet, he chose to move forward. Every time. Despite the pain. Despite the guilt of leaving behind what he loved the most. Despite the self-hatred eating away at him from the inside. He made the painful decision of moving forward, and it’s all the more painful when you realize all he’d been doing before this point was living in the shadow of his past, more accurately in the shadow of the one he loved the most in a life that was over long, long ago.

Even now, after Kanda had found that love, and LOST it at the same time, he should have just ended it all and lay to rest, since his one reason to live, the one reason he refused to let himself die and kept moving, was now gone. And yet, he chose to move forward, AGAIN. This time, he set aside his own sorrow, and put himself in Death’s grasp to help Allen, someone important to him whom he felt he OWED. What Allen did for Kanda and Alma meant A LOT to Kanda. He was finally able to reconcile with the best friend he ever had, whom he had to destroy. He was finally able to find “that person”, that special someone who was the sole reason he kept on living. He was finally able to somewhat break away from the past, and once again live as himself and not a shadow of his past. What Allen did for him meant more to Kanda than Allen realized, and that’s something that hurts me a lot. It’s really sweet, and if you know Kanda from the start of the series, it is really painful to see him being so sweet. Kanda, who had managed to suppress most of his emotions, trying his best not to care about anyone as he was busy trying to bury his broken heart, Kanda who hated himself for destroying what he loved the most, and who did not even think of himself as a human capable of love or worthy of being loved, was extremely vulnerable and emotional. He was willing to go to hell in order to save Allen, because what Allen did meant the world to him, and helping Allen was more important than allowing himself to rest.

I get uneasy every time someone says that Kanda came back to “atone” for his “behavior”, to “repay Allen’s kindness”, or he “understands that he was wrong”. Sure, that’s what Kanda himself says, and what Link inferred from him being protective towards Allen. But I can’t for the life of me agree with that.

Kanda Yuu owes NOTHING to ANYONE. Yea, that’s the angsty me talking right there. He meant no harm to Allen, or anyone else who had no reason to mess with him. It is stated clearly that he just wanted to walk straight down his own path (a lot like Allen), and he simply set himself in a clear space. He was never the sweetest or kindest (not openly anyway), but he respected people’s space, too. He let Lenalee find comfort in his silence when she needed it the most. He would never poke around or disturb other people. He would fight, when he feels that it is necessary, or when he needs a form of stress relief (also, he fights when people get annoying around him, like Allen and Lavi). He also didn’t care much who or what he was fighting, if it was necessary to do so (he didn’t care if Skinn Bolic was a Noah or an Akuma, or anything for that matter, all he wanted to do was cut him down). Except in battle, Kanda Yuu didn’t mean harm to ANYONE. And yet, his space kept getting violated. He was brought back from the dead to become a demon fighting machine. Only ended up becoming a demon himself. God, he made a monster of himself when he cut down Alma, and he knew that. That was thrown upon him, he was driven into a corner to die or live on, and he decided to live. For nine years he lived on as an empty shell, a monster, a barely human. And even that was not enough. His “peace” was disrupted yet again, when the Noah revealed to him that Alma, whom he had to destroy, had lived all along, sustained by the Order to become the breeding ground for yet another kind of half human-half monster. And YET, that too, was not the worst thing. He was driven into a corner again, to try and destroy Alma one more time (I mean, given the fact that Alma had been turned into an AKUMA, what other choice did he have?). And in the midst of that, Kanda, sinking deeper and deeper into that sorrow, lost his clear head and was basically set up to stab Allen.

So Kanda, never meaning real harm to anyone, only taking action when his peace was violated or when he had to fight to defend himself and his comrades, was set up to stab Allen. Mind you, even if Kanda was always outwardly hostile towards Allen, he never wanted to hurt him. He was absolutely devastated to realize he had harmed Allen. That just proved how meaningful their relationship had become, despite the fact that other people (or even Kanda and Allen themselves) didn’t see it that way.

I believe Allen doesn’t believe that Kanda owes him a thing. I have said this many times before, I believe Allen was so moved by Kanda and Alma’s pain partially because he himself felt it, and he understood it. He experienced first hand all the sorrow Kanda had been through, and he understood why Kanda made the decision to live on, and why Alma did what he did. He stepped in to wake Kanda up from the nightmare, because he knew that was the right thing to do. He put himself in danger to give Kanda and Alma what little peace there is left, because he knew that was the least anyone could do for them, and the least they deserved. Allen knew both Kanda and Alma deserved better, and knowing Allen, he wasn’t hesitant to put himself in danger to give them the least that anyone could give them.

So now, Kanda came back - after being given that little bit of peace, after finally reconciling with Alma, being able to see Alma off, being the last person to hold Alma before he passed on, basically fulfilling his reason to exist - returned to Allen’s side. I believe he returned for the same reason that Allen sacrificed himself to give Kanda that little bit of peace. He returned because he knew Allen deserved better. He returned because seeing Allen suffer was painful, the same way Allen broke down after seeing what Kanda and Alma had to go through. He returned because he understood Allen’s pain, and knew he was suffering alone, the same way Kanda had suffered alone and the same way Alma had buried his sorrow so long ago. He returned to give Allen the least that anyone could give him: peace. He knew Allen deserved at least that much, and he wanted to do whatever possible in his own power to give him that. He knew he was going to die, possibly even before fulfilling his purpose, but he moved on anyway.

I remember (almost) hating Hoshino for making Kanda go into denial/hazy head mode and attack Alma/stab Allen, because even though he was tough and antagonistic most of the time, he would never try to hurt Allen like that, let along Alma.. But I came to understand why Kanda did it and how vulnerable he really was, and just how deep his emotional wounds really were. He was in so much pain to see Alma half alive, half dead, half demon, that he wanted to shut down, that the only way he could see himself dealing with it was to destroy everything and everyone. Once I understood the why, I came to empathize with Kanda even more, and realized just how hurt he really was..  Allen said it himself.. Kanda couldn’t think anymore, he couldn’t face Alma in that state because it just hurt too much.. I guess I never really understood until that point how broken Kanda really was. Hell, even Allen almost got swallowed up by Kanda’s emotions. It was at that point where Allen really resonated with Kanda. And when he realized Kanda was already broken down in front of Alma, that was when he started to understand Kanda just a little bit more. (He didn’t fully understand, though, because he was so confused to see Kanda returning to the hell hole after he had the chance to leave, for Allen, and that’s what I absolutely love about the brave idiot Kanda).

The more I realize how broken Kanda really was, the more I love his character.. But reading so much of other people’s shit about how Kanda was a bastard for stabbing Allen.. It just hurts me so much. He didn’t deserve any of that. He didn’t even owe anyone anything, for all I care. He just wanted to walk straight down his own path in peace, and not even for one moment was he left in peace. Hell, if we follow the same blame-and-point-finger train of thought, it was partially Allen’s fault that Kanda was so messed up too. All the pain of having to destroy Alma again, just because the Noah clan wanted Allen/Nea back, and they needed an effective way to make sure of that. Kanda was dragged into their quarrel too, was he not? And yet Kanda is the one being blamed?.. And yet, at the end of everything, it was Kanda who decided to move forward. After having everything he had destroyed, he came back to find Allen, putting the blame on himself for Allen’s state (for fuck’s sake, he didn’t even blame the Noah or the Order, who were the actual culprits, he just blamed himself alone). Does he really deserve all that pain? I mean, Allen is in a lot of pain, too, but he has people rooting for him, he is trying to find himself and avoid losing himself because that would lead to him hurting his friends. But Kanda, he hardly knows what he really is, or whether he can lose himself. He’s now trying to start over with a new identity, a new destiny, a new cause. Sure, people like Lena and Marie had his back, but they can’t do anything to help him, either. Hell, they stayed at the Order while he went in search of Johnny and Allen. That is not to say they didn’t support him, but Kanda’s pain and guilt is his and his alone, he has to face all those demons alone, and no one else can help him. I really wish Allen, Johnny and Tiedoll could help him, though, help him find some peace within himself and make him understand that he too is worthy of love, just like Cross Marian, Mother and Johnny are there for Allen. The thought of Kanda burying the pain of losing Alma deep within himself and carrying forward in hope of saving Allen, ignoring the signs of his own imminent tragic end, just hurts me so damn much. SO please, before you call Kanda a bastard for stabbing Allen and blaming him for everything that Allen is going through, just think for a second that Kanda himself had enough pain to deal with, before everything just fell apart and he now has to deal with the self-imposed guilt of hurting someone who’s dear to him. He refuses to be the victim, and he refuses to shift the blame to anyone else. He’s taking his own course of action and doing his absolute best to make sure Allen stays true to himself. And that is both extremely admirable and absolutely heart-wrenching to me.

“It’s not your fault.

None of this is your fault, Alma.”

My heart aches like hell whenever I remember this scene :(

Kanda never once blamed Alma for what happened. Road said that the Order put the blame for Alma’s supposed death nine years ago on Kanda (even though they kept him alive and kept it a secret, not to mention Kanda basically was pushed into a corner and had to fight Alma in order to survive). But honestly, even without the Order pinning the blame on him, we know by now that Kanda was constantly hating himself for what happened to Alma.

Even after both of them got manipulated by the Earl to awaken Nea, and Alma ended up killing (more) members of the Order, Kanda only blamed himself for Allen turning into Nea. He was the one with the blade in his hand, and he wouldn’t let anyone pin the blame on Alma.

I remember Hoshino saying that after realizing Alma was “that person” and understanding why he wanted both of them to die together, Kanda wanted to protect Alma no matter what. He refused to even tell the Order where Alma’s body was. And he wouldn’t tell anyone about Alma’s last moments (I suspect even we don’t know). I don’t think it’s because he’s possessive and doesn’t want to share Alma with anyone. From the moment they were “born”, Alma and Kanda had always belonged to the Order. They were always properties of the lab, everything they had belonged to the Order, every move they made was monitored by someone else. What little peace they had in Martel was the first thing that Order couldn’t monitor. That few moments of farewell and silence, that last goodbye, that vision of Alma of the past and Alma of the present, that little remains Kanda had of his first and best friend, those were the only things they had that truly belonged to them. Those last moments in Martel were the only time in their lives that Alma and Kanda could exist for themselves, not for the Order or Innocence.

I can’t tell you how much I love the way Allen and Kanda help each other grow. I think in Kanda’s case, it’s pretty straight forward how Allen must have an impact on him. His speech in Martel about being both a destroyer and a savior must have had an impact on Kanda, shaking up the way Kanda sees the world. Most importantly, after everything the Order had done to Kanda and Alma, and after all the years Kanda spent in solitude as a form of self-punishment for what he did to Alma, Allen sees Kanda as a soul worth saving, and was willing to sacrifice himself to give Kanda and Alma a final moment of peace. 

However, I don’t think enough has been discussed on how Kanda helped Allen grow, as well. No doubt, Kanda brings out Allen’s true personality without even trying every time they get into a fight. The natural way in which Kanda forces Allen to take off the “mask of Mana” shows how naturally they let their guards down around each other. I believe this helps strengthen Allen’s resolve to find his own path despite finding out the truth about him harboring the 14th’s memories. And as great a misfortune as it was when Kanda awakened the Noah in Allen for real, causing his expulsion from the Order, it was also a wake up call for Allen to finally confront his enemy and learn more about Nea, rather than just trying to drive him away. Tyki’s speech summed it up perfectly: all along Allen had not known what he was, and even so, he did not try to learn what he was. I don’t think it was a random arrangement for Kanda to be the one awakening the Noah in Allen. Maybe, somehow, the Noah’s must have known that if anyone could be the final catalyst for Allen’s transformation, it was most likely Kanda. Allen awakening into Nea and being forced to leave the Order was not certainly a good thing, but I believe it was not as bad as we thought. Allen finally understood that he had to find his own path to bring an end to the holy war, and fight of his own accord, “not from the Order, and not from the Noah”. After everything Allen had witnessed the Order had done to Kanda and Alma, he must have understood that he couldn’t rely on the Order’s moral code forever. If he wished to preserve his integrity and identity, sooner or later, Allen would have to find his own way to fight. I believe Kanda’s actions played a part in destroying the Order’s trust in Allen, forcing him to leave, but also served as a catalyst to force Allen to face the reality that he could not stand on the same side as the Order forever. Allen being witness to Kanda’s painful past was no coincidence, either: he had to experience first hand the sorrow that the Order is willing to cause those innocent children to win the sacred war, to realize there really is no true good or evil, and that there has to be another way. I really hope to see more clearly how Kanda influences Allen in the future. I have no doubt that when Allen learns the real reason why Kanda came back (he still doesn’t understand Kanda came back just for him), and how far he is willing to go to help Allen, despite the danger he’s exposing himself to, Allen will get yet another boost in strength and conviction, knowing how much Kanda is willing to put on the line to make sure Allen doesn’t lose himself.

I strongly believe that Allen taught Kanda to believe, and Kanda taught Allen to strengthen his resolve. I warms my heart to see them grow so much as individuals, and as each other’s balancing character. Allen went from aimlessly trying to save every soul in order to make up for destroying Mana, to realizing he had to find his own path, not following Mana, the Order or the 14th. Kanda went from living for a shadow from his long gone past, never allowing himself to open up to anyone else, to fighting of his own accord, for his own cause and the people important to him, as himself and not a shadow of his past life. Like two extremes- black and white in a spectrum, they slowly develop closer to the grey areas in between, the more they interact and influence each other.

When Hoshino drew Kanda on volume 2 cover she said she was thinking of him as like a “marionette”, so she drew him like “a doll with strings” rather than a human.

Road called Lena “my doll” when she dressed her up after giving her nervous damage.

Nea told Allen (in his dream/vision when the 14th was starting to awaken) that the Earl had become a “mad puppet” (and so had Allen).

When Alma tried to synchronize with his innocence in order to save Kanda, he was found by CROWs who attacked him and called him “damn doll”.

I find this string of reference to dolls really interesting. It’s like a hint that a lot of these characters are treated like puppets and controlled by someone to achieve their objectives. Kanda and Alma were used as instruments, disposable toy soldiers who were meant to be used when in good condition and gotten rid of when not. In all honesty, every exorcist like Lena or Marie and everyone else had basically been treated like puppets, subject to danger and torture at the whims of the Order’s leadership in the name of the holy war. Allen’s body was used by Nea to harbour his memories and prepare for his awakening. 

This scene makes my heart ache so much. That was the first time, I think, we see Kanda actually die. It wasn’t a peaceful death, either. Twi had to close his eyes, for fuck’s sake. That last tear in his lifeless eyes, the look of disbelief from being betrayed by the people he considered allies, that monologue that suggests he is a lotus flower that keeps rising from the mud to make the world a beautiful place, only to wither and die. Makes me feel like those episodes in the earlier series that were adapted from the Reverse novels were on point. You know when Sophia said it was painful for a lotus flower, since as soon as it blooms, it withers, waiting another thousand years to bloom again.

Dude this fucks me up so bad. Alma was that flower that could not bloom, sinking into mud, and now Kanda chose to go on living, continuing to rise from the depths of the mud like a true lotus flower.

You know, I really think Kanda felt something for Lala and Guzol (and of course Allen) the first time they were in Mater. Kanda apologized for having to take Guzol's heart when he thought he was the doll, even though he was seemingly harsh about it ("If possible, I want to take it now"). He then explained that he had no other choice but to separate them in the end ("I'm sorry, but I can't back out now"). He only became insistent when both he and Allen were injured, and the risk of the Akuma taking Lala's innocence became more imminent (which actually happened). And even as he went to take Lala's heart, he didn't just kill her right away?? He actually paused. Not to mention at the end, when Lala was broken but still singing, he actually went to the site, acknowledged that it was painful for Allen to watch her, and listened to her singing until she stopped (his face when she stopped says he was affected too)??

I just don’t like it when people assume that Kanda didn’t feel any of the sentiment that Allen did the first time they were in Mater, but for me that wouldn’t make sense since Kanda thought of Mater first when he was fleeing with Alma. I like to think Kanda didn’t suggest Mater just because it was a desolate place that only he and Allen would know about, but also because what happened there (not only what Allen said, but also what Lala and Guzol went through) affected him. To think that Kanda didn’t have any sympathy for Lala and Guzol back then (and how they wished to die on their own terms), and yet asked Allen to help him and Alma escape if just to die together, would make Kanda a lot more of a hypocrite (you know, him being opposed to Allen’s soft-hearted ways unless it concerns Kanda himself). That way of thinking really bothers me. I don’t think Kanda was opposed to Allen feeling sorry for Lala. I think he was more opposed to Allen sacrificing himself just so he could help them keep their promise. That martyr complex really got on Kanda’s nerves (I imagine because Kanda himself hated martyr-like behaviors, him being a sacrifice from the start and had decided to fight on his own terms after Alma). Kanda asking “Isn’t anything important to you?” really got me. That question suggested that Allen’s desperate attempts to save everything and everyone were due to his lack of a solid objective. And that, I imagine, must be so annoying to Kanda. Kanda, who lived for only one purpose, and until he achieved that, he would not allow himself to die. Allen, who seemed ready to die any moment to save anyone he saw worthy of pity or sympathy. It was only natural that they would clash. And yet, at that very moment, they started to develop some kind of mutual understanding. Kanda learned that Allen had lost something important too, just like him (only their coping mechanisms are different). Allen at that point didn’t learn too much about Kanda, but ah well, no one really did. So my point is, Kanda didn’t think that Lala and Guzol’s story was lame or Allen having sympathy for them was pathetic. I think he was just angry at Allen for throwing away his life so easily for someone he hardly knew. So to say that Kanda had no sympathy at all for Lala and Guzol (and Allen), and yet asked to be helped by Allen when it benefited him, is just plain wrong to me.

On top of that, I’m really amazed by how people think of Kanda as just a boring, angry character in this arc (and the first few arcs as a whole). I enjoyed Kanda’s character before the Alma arc as much as I enjoyed it after. For me, the Lala and Guzol arc is still one of the best arcs in the entire series, because obviously it contains so many foreshadowing moments, and also because it was the first time we got any sort of hint as to who Kanda was inside. Sure, we didn’t get much at that point, but there were so many important moments. That question he asked “Isn’t anything important to you?”, that look on his face when Allen said that making sacrifices to win the war was futile, that time he joined Allen on the stairs and told him “If it’s painful, go stop the doll. It is no longer Lala, right?” Seriously if he didn’t give a damn about Allen why would he come sit with him and attempt to comfort him?? And his face when Lala finally stopped singing. And last but not least, him asking Allen “Hey, what’s wrong?” when Allen started crying. Like seriously!?!?

I don’t know what people are reading while they were reading this arc, but this, this is the start of the real thing for me. This arc was what really intrigued me about D-Gray Man (okay, Jean and Leo’s arc was great too, but still). This was a whole fucking ride. I learned how desperately Allen wanted to make up for destroying Mana, how familiar Kanda was with sacrifices, how he had his own way of expressing his feelings, and the whole love/tragedy/destruction theme started here for me. This was the first arc that proved to me Kanda was more than he seemed as a character. It was also from this arc that I just knew Kanda and Allen had a lot more in common than they seemed at first glance, and they were going to become a lot more significant to each other later on. (Kidding, from the moment their eyes met for the first time I knew they were going to become significant to each other)