#dgm feels

“It’s not your fault.

None of this is your fault, Alma.”

My heart aches like hell whenever I remember this scene :(

Kanda never once blamed Alma for what happened. Road said that the Order put the blame for Alma’s supposed death nine years ago on Kanda (even though they kept him alive and kept it a secret, not to mention Kanda basically was pushed into a corner and had to fight Alma in order to survive). But honestly, even without the Order pinning the blame on him, we know by now that Kanda was constantly hating himself for what happened to Alma.

Even after both of them got manipulated by the Earl to awaken Nea, and Alma ended up killing (more) members of the Order, Kanda only blamed himself for Allen turning into Nea. He was the one with the blade in his hand, and he wouldn’t let anyone pin the blame on Alma.

I remember Hoshino saying that after realizing Alma was “that person” and understanding why he wanted both of them to die together, Kanda wanted to protect Alma no matter what. He refused to even tell the Order where Alma’s body was. And he wouldn’t tell anyone about Alma’s last moments (I suspect even we don’t know). I don’t think it’s because he’s possessive and doesn’t want to share Alma with anyone. From the moment they were “born”, Alma and Kanda had always belonged to the Order. They were always properties of the lab, everything they had belonged to the Order, every move they made was monitored by someone else. What little peace they had in Martel was the first thing that Order couldn’t monitor. That few moments of farewell and silence, that last goodbye, that vision of Alma of the past and Alma of the present, that little remains Kanda had of his first and best friend, those were the only things they had that truly belonged to them. Those last moments in Martel were the only time in their lives that Alma and Kanda could exist for themselves, not for the Order or Innocence.

This scene makes my heart ache so much. That was the first time, I think, we see Kanda actually die. It wasn’t a peaceful death, either. Twi had to close his eyes, for fuck’s sake. That last tear in his lifeless eyes, the look of disbelief from being betrayed by the people he considered allies, that monologue that suggests he is a lotus flower that keeps rising from the mud to make the world a beautiful place, only to wither and die. Makes me feel like those episodes in the earlier series that were adapted from the Reverse novels were on point. You know when Sophia said it was painful for a lotus flower, since as soon as it blooms, it withers, waiting another thousand years to bloom again.