X-Men #16 review
AKA Magneto takes dexies
Fuck me, this book has had 16 issues, though if you asked me for an elevator pitch I'd have to say 'problems keep happening, except in the snow.' This latest snow problem arc feels like it's picking up the pace, but it covers maybe 5 minutes of their life. It's exciting - fake X-Men, a fight with bad guys, and Magneto taking drugs - but you can only run on 90/10 setup/payoff for so long before it drags. If nothing else, hot Magneto is back and full of drugs! 💊🧲
'Nuh uh, it's MY treehouse.'
Last issue ended with Cassandra Nova whispering in a new mutant's ear and these jerkoffs showing to rumble. The Santo Marco six, 3K mutants we last saw fifteen issues ago. As I said then, it's great that the 3K plot is starting to move but so much has happened since then that I forgot why anyone cares. This issue spends a fair amount of time basically reintroducing them because I'd imagine most readers are like Temper - 'who?' That's taking a little too long to get back to them IMO - this isn't the X-Files where the breadcrumbs are a given. Anyway, they want to be the X-Men for some reason, so the two teams fight. IDK why Scott wouldn't offer them a job interview or something, he looks like a big mean jerk. Yeah, I said it!
Magik and Juggernaut the bash bros are all about it, amping up their previous blood knight act. Cain no shit makes a Jack and the Beanstalk reference but it doesn't really land. Scott tries to remind his violent kids that the Twin is rampaging but they don't hear. The Twin seems like their heart just isn't in it as Cassandra Nova eggs them on. Getting huge Chuck vibes from her lol.
It's a bit jarring for Scott to shut the fake X-Men down so totally then be like 'wait, the twin.' He knows Magik wants their heads and that she and Cain are like this now. He set the example by being standoffish, what did he think would happen? I think I'm still hoping we'll follow up on Scott's mental health issues, but I guess Logan cured him with stabbing and I'm looking for something that isn't there. Still, with two psychics on the team it's something that could have been addressed - even if it's 'I'm doing okay right now thanks.' Leaving any longer to follow up and it'll feel like... round two of a fight from fifteen issues ago. Significant, but wayyyy too long between beers.
Beast calling Mags a shit father is 👌👌👌
Cyke multitasks like a champ and mobilises the factory crew. Mags and Beast hinted at a prosthetic for the ailing elder mutant last issue, though he looks a lot fucking healthier right now. I've been very open about my extreme distaste for R-LDS, and that hasn't changed. Dexies. Dextroamphetamine-x, so mutant dexies - as a temporary solution is ridiculous and pretty funny. Beast just whipping up drugs is becoming a regular enough thing, but dexies, really? Mutant ADD medication? It makes R-LDS look silly-er. I'll come back to this in a separate post for now let's enjoy Magneto shooting up speed and see what it does.
Wooooo! Tight, tight, tight tight tight!
HAHA! My dude is amped up, levitating syringes and billowing his cape. Hook this man up with an IV. I hesitate to say 'Magneto is back' but it is nice to see the Master of Magnetism flex like that. Now go throw some vehicles around, old man. I know you want to.
Not sure what to make of Beast's facial expression there. We can cross 'uncomplicated joy' off the list, that's for sure. Maybe 'should I really be giving Magneto amphetamines? I was in the Defenders, man.' Yes, he should. Hook the whole squad up.
Maybe not Magik...
SPLASH PAGE! Scott orders Psylocke to take out the speedster first, but I think he's been hanging around Hank too much. 'Accelerated physiology' - Scott deserves that knockdown. The action is bombastic and kinetic with handy visual keys to show who what kind of power and how it interacts with our A team. That's a counterbalance to the sheer busyness of the scenes , though I'm not sure it's enough. The pop cartoon style clashes a little with the cinematic panels they're going for here, showing most of the 'what' in a vacuum.
As a whole I find it difficult to tell where each respective exchange is happening. Following the speedster tells a coherent linear narrative, at least - taking out Scott, struggling with Psylocke and handing off to The Vore, then getting blasted by Scott. I wonder where Piper, Xorn, and Quentin are?
Woof! If these clowns want to be X-Men they need better banter. Anyone shouting 'The Juice is loose' in battle deserves to get pounded, FR. Honestly, everyone looks like they're having fun, not like they're looking to kill each other. It's very flashy but I feel like the guy in the bottom left panel - '?' There's the feeling that this fight is not intended to have a conclusion, that it's a showcase for design and dynamics. It's possible to have both, I'm sure of it. Somebody get hurt!
Oh bloody hell the X-Men are getting in on it too, with the embarrassing one liners. I do like cosmic energy guy's design though. Is their leader dabbing? Cassandra Nova must be so embarrassed. I guess THE VORE didn't eat Psylocke's brain or whatever. The unserious vibes the fight carries makes sense considering they're trying to stall the X-Men, but it pulls me out the moment and it makes the X-Men look like chumps. Get a handle on your guys and lead, Scotty!
There we go. This guy - I'm going to call him Bighorns - accepts the chance to regroup when Scott calls it. They want to be X-Men, apparently. With that 'Here Comes Tomorrow' you might even say they want to be New X-Men. There's a set-up for an ideological discussion here - I wonder if they'll go for it. Valid points are being made, kinda. Only one team works for the genocide lady who treats people like lab rats, but the X-Men have mile-wide chinks in their armour to call out. I doubt it, but you never know.
While the action figures have been smashing into each other, The Twin has reached the town. Magneto is dexied up, controlling the Wild Sentinel he and Scott trashed before the series started. That's where we end - with the two teams talking but inherently opposed and Magneto the only thing in between Merle and destruction. Piper around somewhere, Quentin is presumably still knocked out, and Xorn is ... where did he go? Looking for Quentin still, I guess?
In the introduction I flagged the pacing as illusively slow, and looking at this issue as well as zooming out I think it sticks out more than ever. At the end of last issue the Twin was heading for the town, the two X-Men teams were having a tense face-off, while Xorn searched for Quentin off panel. At the end of the issue the X-Men have said hello, the Twin walked a few hundred meters, and Mags took some medication.
He amped up but hasn't actually done anything. Nobody has, really. A 12 mutant brawl happened but nobody's hurt and they're back to where they started. There's just a hint of payoff here, a teaspoonful - enough to taste the flavour but not very filling. Staying on the Magneto example - #15 showed him asking for medication, #16 he took it and did a pose, and #17 presumably he'll interact with The Twin. Or maybe not. The twin, on the other hand, took 3 issues to walk to town. She stopped and started a lot, but it was in service of the choice 'destroy town Y/N?' She keeps choosing yes, urged on by Cassandra Nova, but we know that Merle isn't getting destroyed. They're probably not going to kill a child either, and that's a source of tension at least.
I'm not sure if it will be any better in the trade without serious editing. The start and end of each issue bleed into each other, so it's going to feel downright repetitive. At least we're getting further away from Raid and Chuck Hunt with every step, I just wish they'd pick up the pace. The line work is tight as always, the inks pop - contrasting brightly off the snowy backdrop, each character model is distinct and dynamic - but the choreography and blocking was flat for me. Being able to tell where people are in relation to each other is crucial, and the fight looked like the shadow of fierce without the sincerity.
I'd recommend it for the Magneto content alone, but everything tastes great when you're starving. I'm sympathetic to the rigor of double shipping in a hostile creative environment, but it's been sixteen issues. There's been bursts of brilliance like the Lundquist and Scott scenes but too much padding and repetition. The best scenes shine brightly, so it's not a talent deficit. It'd be nice to have a few excellent issues consecutively, you know? I feel like I say that, or something like it, every review. Hmm, I don't want to be repetitive, let's check out how my peers in X-Men reviewing are handling it.
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Most sites stopped reviewing this book halfway through Raid on Graymalkin - even AIPT, who review everything positively. Looks like I'm on my own there. Fuck it - adjectiveless X-Men is fun enough - I just know that the team can do better. Thanks for reading.
