Talking to my developmentally delayed sister about sex (TMI warning: sex, obviously)
My sister and I have always been very close. Since I've been away at college we talk every night. I'm home almost every weekend, and when I am I make a point of spending time with her. I always want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything.
Her disabilities are relatively mild. She is quite intelligent, but her physical, mental, and emotional development are slower than average. Our estimate is that, academically, it takes her about 2 years to learn 1 average student's year of information. She is 19 years old, and has yet to learn to read. This is not from lack of ability - I have personally tutored her over a couple of summers using a specialized method and I know she is more than capable of learning. Her school lacks the resources to teach her (aides and curriculum) so she is stuck memorizing common sight words instead of learning to sound out new ones. This is a source of frustration for all of us, especially her, as she wants more than anything to live as normal a life as possible.
It was a bit of a fight to get our mom to let me talk to her about sexuality. Her excuse was that it would "confuse her." Now, of course, she's her mom. I would never question her right to have final say in matters of parenting, as she's been an excellent parent to the both of us, but sometimes I push things - basically advocate for what I feel are her best interests. As her older sister I feel very protective of her.
An avenue opened up when we started watching Glee together. I spoke with Mom and got her permission to explain gay vs straight, as one of the main characters on Glee is gay. As expected she was a little confused at first, but it didn't take long for her to get used to the concept. I was very careful to discuss the issue as neutrally as possible, bringing up homophobia and differing viewpoints without bias so that she could form her own opinion before sharing my own. She took her time thinking about it but, happily, quickly accepted same sex relationships the same way she accepts opposite sex ones.
She has had sex education at school, but I can tell that either the curriculum is vague or that the information hasn't really stuck. I am a firm believer in the complete education of young teens about matters of healthy sexuality, so that they can make their own decisions about relationships and protect themselves against predators.Ā
Once again television became an excellent avenue of communication. I don't recall which show it was, but we were watching one in which a couple was having sex. She asked if they wanted to get pregnant, so I explained the basic concept of birth control. Not really how it worked, but just that it existed and what it was used for. Again, it was readily accepted.
A few days ago we were driving home from a girl's night out, which we like to do every once in a while. I don't remember how the topic came up, Ā but she brought up getting pregnant and asked how it happened. Obviously those sex ed classes didn't stick! I explained the basic process and she asked how birth control worked, so explain how condoms and the pill work.
She mentioned she'd been thinking about having sex and having kids. She talked about waiting till after high school or college, or until her late 20s. I talked about how it was important to wait to have kids until you were able to support them financially and talked about the costs of raising kids (diapers, formula, clothing, etc.). I told her that when she decided to start having sex that she'd need to talk to Mom or me first so we could get her some birth control. I also brought up the fact that her boyfriend is 17, and that it is illegal for someone over 18 to have sex with a minor, to which she assured me she was waiting anyway but it was good to know. XD
She asked me if my ex and I had been using birth control (so much for my mom's trying to keep her from thinking we were sexually active... XD) I explained that we were not having the kind of sex that could get me pregnant, but if we had been we would have used birth control.
Soon I hope to talk with her more about how sex and birth control work, consent, and gender. Most importantly I want to keep a dialogue going about healthy and unhealthy relationships. She watches lots of teen-targeted shows, and while we watch I like to point out things that are good or bad that the characters do, especially if the "good guys" don't comment on them. I try to encourage her to watch things that have positive role models in them and discourage the ones full of toxic relationships and mean people, without actively censoring the media she's exposed to.Ā
It's a common misconception that people with intellectual disabilities are asexual (though I am sure some are). My sister wants to get married and have kids someday. I'm not sure how the latter will go, if it happens, but there is no reason she cannot get married and have a fulfilling sexual life. In the meantime I will continue to make sure she can get the information and support she wants.