#derek shoemaker

Episode #126: Derek Shoemaker

ANSWER KEY

There is no God.

There is no hope.

My wife/kids stopped looking for me.

I haven’t spoken to another human in 5 months.

My captors have only given me cans of easy-open low-fat coconut milk to eat.

I’m beginning to think the sun was something I made up.

I’m convinced the chair is an illusion, but I don’t test that because I’ll probably lose my mind if I prove myself right.

I’m a fucking coward…

We found Where Waldo was. But How is Waldo?

The Galaxy Deluxe Bike Repair Kit Will Not Bring Your Dad Back 

Bike repairs can be expensive. Well, they USED to be-- until the arrival of the Galaxy Deluxe Bike Repair Kit. Simple and affordable, this kit has everything you’d ever need to make any kind of repairs on your two-wheeled beauty. The only thing it can’t do: it won’t bring your dad back, no matter how badly you want it to.

With Galaxy’s patented all-in-one bike tool, you’ll have every wrench, key, and screwdriver in every possible size and dimension available right in the palm of your hand. The only tools you won’t have are ones to cope with getting all those letters back you wrote to your dad. That was a really hard day. But your mom was right; your dad doesn’t want to be found-- at least not by you.

And even if you have no knowledge of bike repairs, you can turn yourself into an expert with Galaxy’s Bike-lopedia. This full-color leather bound book includes the history of bikes and an easy-to-understand universal bike manual-- But this doesn’t mean your dad’s gonna spontaneously show back up into your life and say he’s proud of you. Why would he be proud of you? Because you can fix a bike? You’re an idiot. That’s probably why your dad left. Dad’s don’t love idiots. Dads only love smart kids who know when to let go of a dead dream.

“But what if I pop your chain?” says not-your-dad. No worries. Galaxy’s got you covered with plenty of spare parts. “But what if my dad left my baseball game right after I dropped that game-ending grounder, then never came back?” Don’t worry, your therapist will prescribe plenty of expensive antipsychotics, which you’ll pay for exclusively through payday loans.

And the Galaxy Deluxe Bike Repair Kit is the perfect gift for any bike enthusiast in your family, but don’t buy it for your dad. He hasn’t accepted anything else you’ve bought him. Stop using your payday loans to buy bikes for your dad. That money is for medicine, and your garage is already full of dad-bikes.

And for a limited time only, the Galaxy is offering the Deluxe Bike Repair Kit for only $39.99. That’s a huge savings, but not enough to cover your antipsychotic medication, which you couldn’t afford to buy because the payday loan company froze your bank account and repossessed all your bikes.

Order the Galaxy Deluxe Bike Repair Dad-- Kit today, to fix broken bikes. But not broken people. There’s no kit for that.

"The Galaxy Deluxe Bike Repair Kit: we get that you're broken, but the only that can fix you is your dad."