I’m Starting to Think the Sale Price of These Towels is Just the Actual Price
Before you ring that up, I just need to make sure I’ve got this right—you’re telling me all bath towels are twenty percent off this weekend? Wow. That is a great deal. Don’t get me wrong, I came here specifically for the Fourth of July sale and you guys are not disappointing. It’s just that I can’t help but notice this is the same discount you had on bath towels when I was here last week during your Spring into Summer sale. And now that I think of it… isn’t this the same discount you had in February for your Valentine’s Day sale? No, no, I’m not complaining. I’ll still buy them. I love a deal as much as the next Kohl’s customer. The thing is, I’m starting to suspect that the sale price is really just the actual price of your bath towels.
 In fact, I can’t think of a time when I’ve been here and you guys didn’t have a sale going on. There was the Christmas sale, of course. But then you had the New Year New Deals sale, the Presidents’ Day sale, March into Savings Month—that one was literally a month-long sale. At what point have your bath towels ever cost full price?
 Actually—excuse me—by show of hands, has anyone in this line ever paid full price for towels here? Yes, I realize it’s a long line, that’s why it’s a good sample set for this research. Just raise them up high. Look at that. No hands. This goes all the way back to your grand opening sale, doesn’t it? God, how long have we all just been pawns in this discount house of lies?
 Yes, I still want to purchase these towels. But now I feel like I’ve been looped into some elaborate marketing hoax. Is that what this is? You didn’t have to trick me, Kohl’s! I clearly shop here regularly. If this sale price is the actual price, these are still relatively inexpensive towels. You don’t need to wow me with glitz and glam. Sure, maybe a sale here and there would lure me in more frequently, but you flew too close to the sun with this one. My eyes are open now.
 What? No, I forgot my Kohl’s loyalty card at home. You can just swipe the store one to get me that extra five percent off? Thanks. Wait. Hang on. I could be lying! What if I don’t really have a Kohl’s loyalty card? I’m paying with cash; you don’t even know who I am! If you just swipe the store card for anyone who comes through then what is the point of the loyalty program? You evidently take an additional five percent off at the register for every person anyway. Why not just take five percent off the price of every item in this store and get rid of this sickening ruse! My loyalty clearly means nothing to you, Kohl’s. That hurts.
 You can put the receipt in the bag, thank you. What’s this? $10 in Kohl’s Cash? You disgust me. This whole manipulative incentive system just gives customers a false sense of accomplishment and further deadens our society’s already feeble sense of priorities.
 Yes, of course I’ll still take it.
 [Kate Sidley is a comedy writer and performer based out of NYC. She writes for the sketch teams Mint Comedy and Moose and performs with the improv team Miss Elizabeth. Kate is a co-founder of Sea Tea Improv, Connecticut's premiere improv company. For more info on upcoming shows and sketch videos, visit katesidley.com]
