#depression trigger

I’m not OK. I’d be lying to you if I said I was, and I don’t like bullshitting you guys. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep. I’m crippled by anxiety over everything. My heart is beating out of my chest for no apparent reason other than that it damn well feels like it. I don’t want to do anything other than curl up and do nothing. Everything is making me irrationally irritated, annoyed, or angry. There’s no joy in anything right now. 

The good news is, I know what this is. It happens every summer and has for as long as I can remember. It’s part of me and who I am and something I have to deal with. The bad news is the physical pain and stress from my physical health being crap is making it worse.

This isn’t me reaching out for sympathy. I don’t want that. This isn’t a hiatus announcement. This is me telling you why I may not be updating things as fast or interacting as much or whatever. 

Personal stuff below the cut. Just needed somewhere to vent it all out. I’m sorry that place is here.

I used to think “I’m doing pretty good!” Would mean I’m at the place in my career where I wanna be, I’d be living in a city away from my family, I’d have nothing to worry about. Anything less would mean “ehh I’m doing okay”.

Now I know “I’m doing pretty good!” means im working a job that I surprisingly really like for a healthcare entry job, I greet my patients happily and joke around with them, things with my parents aren’t perfect by any means but we sit around and have normal conversations from time to time. I see them more as the kids that to America to start a new life instead of my parents. I’ll genuinely laugh. I’m realizing the life I thought I’d have is falling apart and that it doesn’t have to ruin the little moments of joy. I don’t think about k**ling myself every single day. And that’s unbelievably liberating. I’m not always sure what to do from here but I will.