#depression probably

(I am feeling a bit disappointed; I was going to replace the yurt, this year, the yurt I burnt down like a fucking idiot right around my own ears because I’m a fucking idiot, the yurt I was so horribly fond of and the only way not to cry about it being gone every day is to be resigned and chipper toward Something Better, and yet it’s a meaningless extravagance, I built it because I thought they weren’t going to get the farm and I wasn’t going to have anywhere to stay, and it’s wonderful that it turned out almost right away that I didn’t really need it, they have a house with a guestroom and it’s fine. but I was going to build a Tiny House to replace it, and I’d mentally set aside some money to do it, and a bunch of people had gotten all excited to volunteer to help, and then like. The world ended, and there’s no time, and nobody can come help anyway, and we were going to get a camper or something instead but every one we’ve tried for has fallen through and I can’t afford one anyway, because also I haven’t gotten paid since March and like, I can’t actually set aside money because I’m not earning any and I Should Not have bought that little useless tent I can’t use but I didn’t know then that I wasn’t going to get paid, and anyway the world ending means that nobody else is going to use the guest room so I don’t need to have my own space, and I can just live out of a suitcase and my car (because if I bring my stuff into the house it winds up being Clutter and my mildly-OCD sister goes insane so it’s got to live in my car out of her way which means I can’t really use any of it so I don’t work on projects while I’m here and I just bring as few outfits as I can so I wear the same thing every day and it’s all sort of gray and I just go to bed early and stay small and quiet and it’s too stuffy to close the bedroom door so I don’t really have privacy and I don’t really need it anyway, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, I can be smaller and less and it’s fine and I don’t need anything more than what I have and it’s fine. Most of the time it’s fine. At the moment I just don’t feel all that fine about it, I just feel sad, like I’m living the margins of somebody else’s life.) (I have a perfectly good house back in Buffalo except that despite my having tried to talk to him about it, when Dude bought the house from his mom he did so without including me at all [i was at the farm, which i often am, but he like, went out of his way to do it while i was gone, i felt like-- i’m not gone all the time, but he only scheduled the meetings when i wasn’t there. probably to have something to do in the alone times? maybe? but it was weird, sort of, a little.] and I’m not on any of the paperwork and I pointed out at the time how that made me feel and he was like oh but don’t worry about it and like, well, I mean, I guess I won’t, but I definitely don’t feel like there’s anything in this whole world that’s really mine and you can live like that for an awfully long time and many people never have a choice and live like that their whole lives and really the yurt wasn’t that great, it was small and there wasn’t really anywhere to sit and I barely spent time in it and mostly just slept there, but it was mine, I paid for it in cash with my own money and nobody else went in there except some spiders and ants and occasionally mice and Whiskey the cat, who has finally figured out where I sleep now and is delighted, at least. At least someone’s having a good time, here.)

Sigh. Anyway, my consolation is that the embroidered mask I put in the mail for @akilah12902​ actually arrived, so rumors of the Post Office’s demise are not all entirely true, and I can finally share a photo of it-- I embroidered the Quen symbol from the Witcher games on there, that’s the protection one, I thought it was cute.

(you can’t see but there’s metallic gold floss wound all through the symbol on the side, so it’s somewhat glittery.)

[image description: a black linen shaped facemask laid flat on a desk with yellow ties stitched on with yellow stitching, and the triangular Quen symbol embroidered on one side.]