For Writs Sake

Or a desperate need

To be seen

I pour myself out as the offering

Become the gasoline

Never the flame

Just the flash

Burn bright and fast

I never last

No specific cause

Just because I can and no one will stop me

I make up songs to project through an empty home

Since I like singing and empty rooms echo so sweetly

It’s as if I perform on a stage of my own imagination

I dance with everything

I twirl in doorframes

Curtsy to my reflection in glass window panes

Tip toe through rooms as if I still have pointe shoes

Stride across hallways

Improv when observing outfits in the mirror

Sometimes I feel as if there is so much happy in me I could burst

I tendu pas de bourré glissade jeté down hallways and grocery aisles and grande jeté in parking lots and sidewalks

I love the sensation of fabric moving

Skirts flying and sleeves whistling

Never with family can I be as true to myself as

I tend to be when I am alone

I become

Completely authentically me

I sat in the sun.

I painted.

Swam in a pool and caught up with a friend.

Spontaneously turned into a nature reserve.

Sat and painted in silent companionship with fishing poles and bait traps.

Tried to save every shade of sunset in a page.

Ate dinner alone and absorbed the scenery.

Poked fun at tiny crabs and laughed at boats passing by.

A stranger handed me my phone and asked about my screensaver

Of the sweet dog in a life vest happy to be out on a boat

Forever frozen in time

My dog.

The sweetest boy

Taken from me.

I still miss my dog.

Wish I could change what broke in my mom.

I hate who she has become and what she has done.

Stopped for groceries on my way home

Picked up olive oil because my mom took every spice and pot and pan too.

How despicable must you become

To take the mixer and the olive oil and the picture books.

Empty the walls

The drawers

The shelves.

I wish I shattered the glass of the frame

In the birthday gift I made for her

That she left abandoned on the floor in a corner for months

But she took that too

Left a mark in the paint job she coerced me into

I’ll get my satisfaction

Imagining it break

Every day.

Yes today was a good day.

The good outweighed the pain.

Heartbreak must be something I never escape.

Pain of loss is fresh every day.

I curse the day you birthed me.

The day you married my father.

I curse the day you left.

The day you broke in and took everything.

The day you took my dog.

The sweetest, most forgiving soul.

You took him because you wanted someone to love you.

Not because it was best for him.

You just wanted someone to come home to.

That would be happy to see you.

I curse you for the dog trembling at my feet.

Separated from his brother again.

You drop off my dog when it is easier for you.

Brothers reunited and delighted and then

We

Left

Him

There

Because

Of

You.

You broke his heart.

Why would you take him and hurt him like this.

I curse the day you took my dog.

I curse today when you broke his heart again.

I would spit on you if I could.

I would beg on my knees if that would do any good.

I wish my dog every happiness.

I hope your stolen bed rots with you in it.

Have the day you deserve with the kindness your god grants you.

Wish I could be a fly on the wall the day He judges you.

I curse the day you took my dog.

I laid on the concrete outside and stared at the rain falling from the sky.

It’s a special kind of hollow.

My dog has been taken

As a prize in a one sided war

She loves him too.

This love she claims is

Obscured by cruelty.

I want my dog back but I cannot take the good from the bad.

A coin cannot exist without two faces

No matter how it lands.

I know you are lost.

Your confusion and your distance

Misrepresentations and misleading summaries

Leaking from a lost soul

You’ve been wandering for a while now

Have you found your rest?

Did you find the peace you were searching for

While your cousin roused you for war

and your attorney directed your strings

All you say is that you are tired.

Could it be your fatigue

Eyes burning

At peace with the pain

I survived a fate worse than death

A loss so shattering

So consuming

Cracks thread every thought

Plans cannot be made without changing their shape

Adjusting for the missing space

Where love no longer bears weight

I stand at the edge of a chasm

Frayed connections rippling at my feet

Charred pieces

A bridge I did not burn

Until it snapped and rope tore my flesh instead

I held tight to pieces of memory

Refused to listen to the hollowness of my steps

I kept my eyes in trust

Trained on my first anchor

You. My first constant.

You wore the earth at your feet until unsteady became an understatement.

Shook every stone from your support in your quakes.

Slipped from sight traveling places I could not follow.

When your bridge broke.

The kingdom fell.

I walk the battlements of an empty keep.

I mourn years of family.

I weep for innocence lost.

I break because of what you have become.

The wraith of the hills

A myth

Until she is known

By pointed theft

Scrapes on the walls once adorned in love

Chips in paint where frames rested

The absence of a dogs’ bed

Extra space made by fewer paws

In my bed

The winds wail

But it could be you

Our wraith.

I want to hurt you with words

Somehow make you see

The damage you are doing

to your family.

I want to cry and ask for a hug from the woman I remember when growing up.

You said you were happy to be talking to your adult daughter.

In the same conversation you said you were leaving her.

She has been here.

She never left.

She grew without you.

I hate that you pile responsibility on me

Ones you never managed to do

As you claim you need space to think things through.

Am I an investment to you

I joked that I am “old faithful” when I decided not to be a bitch.

I want to give you your consequences.

I want to disappear and never look back but seeing you do it first I realize I could never be as heartless as that.

You said it was because you needed peace.

That your every waking moment is filled with trying to escape

As if you are the only one in the family who’s pain matters.

Remember when I told you I learned I have anxiety

You instantly made a dismissive comment

I was hurt

I asked you to explain your meaning

“You came from me how could you not”

How could I know that something you have called “being dramatic”

Is a mental disorder?

Imagine having two mental disorders and a chronic disorder with a physical disability.

I know a thing or two about constant misery.

I miss you but I don’t want to speak to you.

You will find a way to make the conversation about you.

I am tired of managing your emotions for you.

I am afraid of checking your closet

Finding solid proof

As if my years of pain

Can be erased

Under the banner of grey

People say

How can your words mean anything

If you’ve never felt this way

Just because I’ve never had a partner

That made me want to give my body away

Doesn’t mean I cannot understand pain

Comes with loving with all your heart

Giving it to people who never wanted it to start

As if I do not bear my scars

Wounds wrapped raw

Bandages woven through sorrow

Just because my flag says

All I am is grey

Does not mean I cannot empathize with what you say

That I cannot be someone who can share in your burdens

My distance has taught me lessons you couldn’t discern with

His tongue down your throat

Choking your breath

Just because that is not my preference

Does not weigh my words any less

It hurt.

To hear more than my sexuality is invisible to you

My experience is not meaningful

Wisdom not applicable

As if I have not stood and watched towers build

To fall in a day

That I have no felt the pain of being played with

Used as a convient artifice

Someone to fill time with

In between the important needs

Asexuality

Does not mean

I want someone to notice

To ask me how I feel

What is going on

I know everyone faces their own struggles

Mine should remain mine

Unspoken and carried well

I am standing barefoot on a cobblestone bridge

Frozen in place

I watch the stones give way

I know gravity

The next to fall is me

I keep looking with hope for signs

Friends who claim to know me

People I have desperately reached for

Have checked

If I am okay

Maybe it isn’t a big deal

To have family walk away

It happens to everyone the more we age

It keeps hitting me

The uncertainty of the future.

A puzzle more vague than before

When I had borders in place

A theme

Some reliability

Am I crazy to be upset

I feel as if the moment my mother walks out the door

I will never see her again.

She plans to go tomorrow.

I knew this would happen when she became sober

How she is still surprised by the constant urges to numb the pains

As if she hadn’t consumed a bottle of wine a day

Months before rehab

She didn’t make it a week.

Before she made her way back.

I thought writing how I feel would give me distance enough to breathe again.

I keep scheduling my breakdowns.

I wish I could think straight.

I want to go home and see my dogs today.

Funny how a suitcase

In the garage

Alluring words of

The world is quiet here

I long for peace

No pretty picture will ever give to me

I will never be the one to rest quietly

If I am not throwing myself into the future

I will be silently drowning myself

Tied to the stake I made

Logs of flaws as my base

Each twig sawed from me

Piled upon my feet

Compiled of parts of me I blame

If I sit

Stare blankly at a wall

Know I am not pondering beauty

I am helpless

Choked by my own futility

For as hard as I try

I know I could have done more

Acted differently

Better

I don’t know what it is I strive for

I know I must keep trying

People keep saying to me what I already know

It only gets harder from

Here.

Today is the anniversary of my first step on this path.

Four hundred dollars I won’t get back

Applying for a dream I don’t remember choosing

One I know probably does not suit me

But I want so desperately for there to be more people like me

So that the generation behind me

Knows

“There is someone like me. Out there. I am seen. I can dream too.”

I wish I could do more

Do better

Try harder

Work longer

I wish I could unplug myself

Set the timer to zero

The alarm

Will not ring

Force me into another awakening

I know it only gets harder

I smirk inside every time I hear it

I looked death in the eye last year

As I braced myself.

I stayed my hand.

If I have something to live for

Let it be her.

My inner child wished for significance.

Kindness was in her every laugh

She wanted to help

To give hope.

She has made it this far.

Give her

When I heard you open the door

The dogs rushed to greet you

You’re their favorite novelty Since you are never home

I wanted to see you

But my heart stopped when I heard your voice

Frozen in place

Paralyzed until another door slammed shut and

My heart dropped

I don’t want to see you

I want to see you try

To remember what you meant when you took our hands and said “you got five”

Palm to palm

Fingertip to fingertip

Five

Fingers on one hand

For every family member

Behind you

To pick you up and hold you

Carry you when you cannot stand

Should I break one of these fingers

You decided

Walking out on 25 years

On 27 years

23 and 21

Family that broke the curse

Of generational abuse

Instead you gave up

On your sons

Your daughters

Your dogs

Worst of all

Your husband

Who has given you nothing but love

Who has poured his heart and soul and livelihood into building up your dreams

Has broken his back and suffered through

Everything for you

Our lives already revolve around you

What more do you want from us

I wish I could rip the band aid

Say “fuck off” because

If family isn’t forever

Something you can walk out of

Then you can go

Don’t stop walking

And don’t look back

If you do

Hold your breath

Squeeze that fist

Then you’ll see the shadows

Shaped like figures on concrete

The wake of your atomic love

Turned us into mist

Silhouettes of abandoned hearts

Unmoving

When I was seven and you told me you dreamed every day of running away

When I was thirteen and you told me you wanted to walk out

Nineteen and piecing you together

Holding you tightly

Your tears drying crusted on my knees

While you begged to be able to leave

When you said parenting stops when your children go to college

Started to watch tv instead of speak with me

Roll your eyes every time one of your children call, because they love you.

Can you even say the same for us?

Did you drink to dull yourself to how much you hated your life?

Did your surgeries on my fathers insurance prop your self esteem enough?

Funny how the pieces fit together now

A pattern I could spot in every situation but my own

Now I know why this place

Dip my hand in a sea

Come out covered in stars

Glittering

Beaming

Promising

Entombed in a testament to hope

I want meaning

To be without worry

Feel confidence

Certain my mistakes

Will not mirror effigies.

I want to step into a new world.

Supple silk swirls around shaved legs and bare feet

Every sensation sweet

Each step erases more of memory

I am anything but my history.

If I could erase the fragments of myself I have given

To all who held my heart

I hate reality

2am creaks and a rapid heartbeat

I don’t want to sleep

So busy

Caught in habit

Ensnared by new dreamlands

Crafted by dedicated fans

The closest experience to picking a book for the first time

Is following your favorites into another storyline

Magic, modern, canon divergence

I delight in seeing my childhood friends again

Alive in new places

Alight, different paces

My hands hold stories

Poured by the devoted.

When my eyes close

My mind opens the theater

I replay every line

How I laughed and cried

Stories move me

Tales bring me to life

Every breath in anticipation

For just one more line

I miss dreaming

As I did when young

Now I smile at the sweetness

Of the stories I loved

Replay their plots

Their dialogue and course

After all

My first friends were written,

Who wear pretty dresses and lipstick

Appreciate little things

Bright colors, coffee, sunsets

Allowed to exist

Without becoming plot twists.

Tales of girls who are friends first

Forever and always

The women that have stared into their graves

Yet decide to wear a dress that day because

Not even the deepest depression can erase

The creative soul in her space

Where are the girls who want to be pretty

To be feminine

Frilly

Not for any male gaze or attention

Simply to smile when she sees her reflection

The girls on adventures

Tough, strong, brave, loyal

Cracking jokes with red smiles

Arm in arm with none beguiled

It is not her face

Her hair

The fresh painted nails or

Matching accessories

That make her stunning

She is who she wants to be Beauty not synonymous with mean.

The feminine women that are not mocked

Dead for the sake of a plot

Enemies with the “girl next door” fighting for the boy who calls her whore

Not discredited for short skirts and skinny heels

Or pitted against a masculine ideal and

Seen as frivolous instead of ethereal.

I’m tired of the stories about girls.

The ones too calm to cry

Would rather die than leave the safety of

“One of the guys”

Mock and scorn the delicate

As if cargo shorts and brash snorts are the embodiment of

The perfect woman

When did I become ashamed

Taught myself pain

To hate parts of me that loved to create

That feminine and pink meant shallow

Instead of unique.

I’m tired of the stories where the girl doesn’t wear makeup—because it is girly

Who doesn’t care what she wears—because that is silly

Yet when the plot demands a distraction—she is pretty

Her existence summarized in a glance and marketed.

Cheap.

I am sad I spent my childhood learning to loathe femininity.

The stories I read with action, adventures, and fantasy

Too many

Made their unique trait.

At the edge of earth

When the land was flat

The world unknown

The beyond unseen

One simple step

Is all I need

A hairs breadth from losing it

My sanity

For a sense of peace

I am stretched at the seams

But it is not blood I am bleeding

Constantly I hold my breath

My heart races

Palms shaking

Is it emotion or am I reeling

From some other noxious poison

Chain reaction inside of me

Shoving me deeper towards insanity

How can I forget the important things

Yet remember useless dreams

Every step I pause

Times I try to breathe

I’m right back on the edge of the world

One light touch from screaming

What is life

If not the cruelest gift

Everyone out of my life

Why I stopped reaching out

Stopped trying to shine

Enough that my light

Wasn’t dimmed by all the eyes

I hate caring about silences

That have nothing to do with me

The conversations that are left opened and

Not responded to

Once is an accident

Two is a mistake

Three is probably to busy,

I ask for too much

I wish I could feel secure in who I am but

Unexplained silences

Paint blood on my hands

I don’t know how it got there

I don’t know what went wrong

This probably is not about me but

I desperately want to make amends

What did I do.

Was setting a boundary too much

Did I try so hard that

Now I’m “stuck up”

I don’t have the time to cry over this

I don’t have the energy

I just want to be myself

Without making people unhappy

Am I too dependent

Too flawed for friends

I find myself

Wincing with every footprint

Caught in web

I can handle being alone

Only if it is my choice

Funny how alone hits hardest