#depression cycle

˜”°•.˜”°• END OF DAY ENTRY •°”˜.•°”˜

5/26

went through alot of conflicting emotions today >.< and im just tired of it all, tired of always feeling alone when i know im not, tired of my trauma skewing up my world making it into a false reality ....im trying so hard to be on my own and dont need to be harped about it constantly-

it will always baffle me how parents expect their children to know everything despite sheltering them throughout their lives; the trauma is just inexplicable...also its so hard to find out my application status on paratransit since offices are still closed today? (didnt know that) and they hung up on me the first time because i was on the wrong phone line..that was still rude.

all i wanna know if im accepted or not AND have reliable transport! DAMN. this is so discouraging, and now i feel insecure about this decision because idk ppl are ignorant as hell and at one point of my life i did get on the short bus in school n paratransit is a shorter bus and once my mom said that its for elderly ppl which is not true.

bigger city buses can sometimes be too overstimulating + fixed routes can be confusing so being picked up at my house and having predictable pickup/drop off times help benefits me alot. anywho the only way i cope is through healing my inner child..future me will figure it out lol but for now i cant afford to think rn also i slept way later than i attended due to meds so oof.

cant wait for therapy~<3 and hope i can be in a better n more emotionally safe place.

Walk ✅

Dust

Vacuum

Clean Kitchen

Sweep/Mop

Low cycle hit guys and it hit HARD. Since I’m currently off my meds and in a, let’s say “less than ideal living situation” so I am going to be a mess.

Avatar Katara has a scheduled update thank god, but everything else is just going to sit.

I usually stay in a depression for longer than my mania and they are directly proportional (most of the time). This past mania cycle was the worst its been in years so we’re gonna enter the Dark Timeline.

I should be productive again in about twooooooo three? Probably three weeks.

And I’ve been bipolar since I was thirteen. I’m not a big talker because (as stupid as this sounds) it’s all in my head. Chemicals man, not so much BS going on in my life. Those things just make everything worse. So preemptively, thank you for your concern, I don’t want to talk about it because it’ll be more of an energy cost for me and I’ll end up feeling guilty.

TL;DR: Don’t ask if I’m okay, I’m not but I know that I will be. Send me adorable pictures of amphibians though. They’re rad and my birthday is coming up.

And remember:

I've been told many times that I am SUPER dramatic, and I honestly can't disagree. 😂 An example is as follows:

You see my tumblr header? Well, I use that to express how depressed I've been feeling lately. Here's an explanation, kinda:

☀️ = relatively happy/not in a long-term depressive episode

🌤 = coming out of a depressive ep but still depressed/possibly going into a depressive ep

⛅/🌥 = pretty depressed & losing a grip on neurotypical rationale

🌦/🌧/☁️/🌩 = various levels of depression

Black header and/or black icon = super fucking depressed

I have only ever had my icon and header black once, and that was a really dark period. Thankfully I'm feeling a helluva lot better these days. I like using the emojis because it reminds me that the episodes come in phases, and they always dissipate.