#depression ..

so uh yesterday i ended up going to my school counselor's office about my feelings concerning school and stuff and i said some stuff i uh. regret like they werent bad but i was very straightforward lmao... but we talked and he told me to email my teachers about the days ive missed + might miss and called my mom and she was super pissed,, but i think i finally got my feelings communicated to her so uh yeah. the counselor checked in with me during 3rd period today and made sure i was doing alright which was nice uvu

i found a therapist and she called her and i was able to get an appointment for today,, she was really nice and shes also from new orleans which is rly cool!! like woah. i really like her her makeup was on point and she also said she wants to work to get me off prozac asap which i think is a good sign bc that means shes working to get me fully better not just!! coping with the extra handicap  if that makes sense?? i think she also really understood me a lot and she talked a lot which was good bc i was a bit nervous about her leaving me to say a lot?? and the questions were v. guided which was great

i did email my teachers and 3 of them [who happen to be my faves lmao] emailed me back!! my math teacher was super chill about it he told me to stop by and pick up my work sometime [or in class] and wished me the best !! 

my english teacher who is new but really nice met with me before school started and updated me on what i missed and told me the specifics of this essay we're working on since i was going to miss her class again for my therapist appointment. she also was super nice  and told me she understood how i felt and stuff and to just do my very best !!

my ap human geography teacher dear god i love her shes so great!! we met up after her  class bc even tho its 3rd period theres a 10min transition time btw classes [we have 11 floors on the building so...] and i was getting checked out soon anyway. she asked me what was up and i told her and she. opened up to me about her past n stuff and the difficulties she had as a child and how she could relate. .. it was so great she also told me if i ever need any help shes here for me and i can always come see her!!  she reminds me a lot of ms. toriumi from p3 she even has the same hairstyle and similar clothing... she also wrote the email to my 4th period teacehr telling her i was w/ her so to not mark me absent in chatspeak it was an experience. o and she printed out my current gradess and highlighted what i was missing so i could turn it in !!

so many people on this site hate me. i am a sensitive person, i’m young, i’m depressed, i have anxiety. my followers are really the only people that are continuing to help me carry on and say what i believe is right. if i didn’t look back to them for support every now and then, then i’d completely break under the pressures of everyone making fun of me and bullying me. i get so much anon hate and i just delete it and pretend like it wasnt there just so my supporters can still believe that i’m strong. i am open to changing my opinions and thoughts and ive said it so many times and sometimes it might not seem like i am but to the core, i am. and even though i try my hardest to keep a level head and to debate with you and others as best as i can, it’s hard to continue doing so if everything i say is going to be mocked and changed and whatever else these people can think of. i block one and three more show up. i’m actually so close to cracking that that i am almost in tears while messaging you. i dont mean to hurt you or your friend and i dont want to hurt anybody else but people go and assume things about me so much because of my opinions and the fact im white and that my thoughts arent as expressed on tumblr because so many people are scared of the treatment that is shown that i am experiencing. i’m so sorry for venting to you for this dammit im sorry im just so stressed out i feel like every one HATES me not only at home with being yelled at every single day of my life but on here for this blog and my thoughts and people making fnu of me and I do get made fun of in real life and i try to act strong in both cases but i really CANT I’m so close to giving up but I know I cant because some people depend on my voice because theyre scared to say their OWN. I’m sorry I’ll stop oh my god ~sayaka

this sounds like a sob story, and it doesnt excuse your behavior. you dance on people’s fucking anger and resentment and go “dont be so angry” “dont act this way” “dont act that way” “dont be upset about this because im not” and now you’re telling me that you’re sensitive and have anxiety and depression? wait, before i upset you more, let me put some other stuff on the table.

hey, guess what, i have anxiety and depression too. and if we’re pulling out all the sympathy cards, then let’s talk about how my mom threatens to beat me and jokes about abuse on a daily basis and my father legitimately threw a fit when i came out to him and now im basically forever living in fear that both of my parents will never actually be there for me. and also, that all of the friends ive ever had in real life have mocked me for every aspect of myself, pointed out my flaws. i’ve been mocked for being too reserved, i’ve been mocked for talking too much, i’ve been mocked for not talking enough, i’ve been mocked for getting good grades, i’ve been mocked for getting bad grades, ive been mocked for drawing, i’ve been mocked for not drawing, i’ve been mocked for dressing in dark colors, ive been mocked for dressing in light colors, i can’t think of a single time in my life, actually, where people weren’t on my tail about something. i tried to be academic, and read books, and every time i read something SOMEONE in my OWN FAMILY would criticize my choices. my friends have called me immature and annoying to my face, belittled me to nothing but a know-it-all when all i ever want to do is help people. even before i identified as something other than cis. everyone was always on my tail. always. 

and you know what? that’s why im involved up to the neck in this shit. because “just being nice” doesn’t fucking work. it never worked for me, fuck all if it worked for anyone else because almost everyone i know has had a worse experience on this planet than me

i try to be nice, even with you, but my temper is bound to grow short because its not working. i’d love to believe that being nice is going to make things like this stop, but…

that’s absolutely irrelevant. it doesn’t matter why i’m trying to communicate things to people. and really, that goes for you too. your intentions dont matter.

if you’re hurting people, angering them, and whatever else, that either needs to be your drive to change your views or it needs to be your drive to continue what you’re doing.

for the record, if these people are so willing to defend you to the death i think they have their own voice, and are moreso just supporting you. they seem plenty rooted in acting how they are.  

i think its absolutely HILARIOUS that you think i’ve got every damn person on my side and that life is so so easy for me because i’ve got a whole… um, maybe 5 people that agree with my exact views, that i know of exactly who they are. on tumblr.com.

see thats the thing, a majority of supporters of ANY of these things will agree with you, man. off of tumblr. 

if a white cissexist person feels threatened, then there’s probably something wrong. you’re probably too invested in what’s going on on this website. follow other people. i dont care. dont involve yourself in things that make you feel like garbage. you have to have the actual willpower to push through people calling you names and sending you hate if you’re going to be enveloped in putting your opinion out there. it’s just how it is.

for instance: i’m white, but i don’t let it not bother me because someone said “all white men should die” or something because it’s just… venting. cool. not about me. moving on.

 im trans and im gay. im not even trans and het. im literally trans and gay. im not sure of your sexuality, but, in case youre het and didnt know, most people equate being a trans girl/guy to being a lesbian or being a gay man. so, basically my identity and sexuality invalidate each other to most people.  not on tumblr, though, this is my safe space. where i can feel like im not “just looking for attention.” or “just a closet lesbian” or “just a girl who thinks shes a boy because shes fucked in the head” or something. im sure you feel similarly

you have to reach out of tumblr to see that the majority of the rest of the world wouldnt question you a single bit. i’m not going to bend over and revert to opinions ive had in the past, which were much similar to what yours are now. 

i dont agree with… really anything you say. you treat tumblr user’s prosecution and calling out for having harmful opinions like it’s actual systematic oppression. you’re pretty much trying to give people a voice that don’t need one because the rest of the world thinks the same way.

if you’re having problems at home, you have a computer and thus a form of communication, so you do have at least a chance to get out of your situation.

tl;dr: in order to be strong enough to voice your opinions, and be out there, you actually need to be able to handle people not agreeing with you or disliking you or making fun of you. you seem to be able to handle it, but not very well.

to me, it sounds like you need to find support thats not anonymous users on a social networking website. that’s going to hurt you in the long run. if you have run out of self worth to the point of basing it off how many people you can help online, it’s just… not healthy. this stuff? this is my hobby, at best. it sounds like you’ve turned it into your entire life.