#depressingrant

I wake up every morning always feeling the same, wanting to feel like I deserve a place in this world. I never feel good enough, except at school I feel at ease when I'm with my friends. Talking to the people who care about me, even though I'm a little odd. I feel a bit better but then I start to subconsciously doubt myself. "Why do they want to be my friends, there are plenty of other people who are a lot better than I am".  I know that all of my problems are caused by never thinking I'm good enough for anything, except I can't feel any other way. I try my best at so many things and I've never really felt good enough about anything. Out of all the things I could have been I'm just 'this'. Ever since I had surgery I've non-stop thought about how terrible it was, it made me feel socially degraded, as though I was inadequate to be around the people I used to enjoy being around. I used to love going out with people but now I don't even want to leave home...  Every day at school acting like nothing is ever wrong, pretending to be the happiest carefree guy in the world because I couldn't deal with any of it. I wanted to tell people how I felt but I don't want to 'bother them'. If I keep going I'll always feel like a failure, but I just don't know how to feel any other way....

So I met this girl towards the end of the summer (knew her before but never really talked to her) I was going through some tough times and I just needed someone to talk to. She reached out to me on twitter (which is lame I know) but hey at least she was someone to share my stories of depression and anxiety with. Never met the girl before but she texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out. I agreed because what else do I have to do as a depressed 18 year old. Never having talked to this girl I get in her car after work and we just talked and talked. She was so personable and nice and just gave off a really good vibe. Not only that she had the most stunning eyes captivating from the moment I saw them. Her hair was a beautiful brown with a hint of ginger. I loved the way her eyes smiled as she did. We hung out for at least 5-6 hours and wow this girl was incredible, she was mesmerizing with her looks and talking to her time just flew by. I could listen to her talk forever she had these great stories and even if they were stupid she made them sound interesting. Hanging out with this girl made me feel important and like I actually meant something. As school came around we got to hang out more and life was great. I felt like for the first time in half a year my life had some sort of purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Just to see those eyes smile or to hear one of her many stories was enough for me. One night we were going to see her friends band and that was cool but what happened after was what made my night. After a while we left the show and went to go walk by a canal. Summer was fading into spring and the nights were getting cold so we sat on a bench for awhile until she went and got a blanket from her car. We laid on the blanket together and cuddled to avoid the cold. It was at this point where I was truly happy and I realized I might be falling for this girl. When she dropped me off at home we were looking at each others eyes and god was this girl perfect I wanted to kiss her so bad but i'm terrible at reading women and chickened out. It wasn't till the next day after we were done hanging out when I just went for it. This kiss was hands down one of the happiest moments of my life. It may not mean much in the big picture but for me it was the feeling of finally moving on and meeting someone who makes me extremely happy. Life was good, I was happy and nothing could stop me. We might not have been dating but hey just having someone to hang out with and cuddle and kiss was more than enough to me. She has commitment issues, she doesn't like to be tied down and likes doing her own thing. I can respect that because if that's what makes you happy go for it. Things were going great for awhile. She would come over when she wasn't busy and we would cuddle or we would go out for ice cream or play video games or whatever. Just stupid little things but they made me happier than anyone would ever know. She would constantly tell me that she didnt want a relationship and hoped that I wouldnt hate me. I couldnt hate her if I tried and ive told her that time and time again. Shes made me too happy and helped me out of this depression and ill never be able to thank her enough for that. She is my savior and I don't care what she does in her life or where we end up I love this girl and i'm not afraid to say that. Everyone needs help at some point in their life and she was the one who was there for me when I needed someone the most. This has been the hardest year of my life and her helping me out has been the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. We are at a point in this thing (We aren't dating and i'm not sure what to call it) where my feelings are getting too much and she "just wants to have fun" this year. I get that shes busy and maybe doesn't have time for me but I just wish she would have talked to me about it before she started to become distant. I know i'm being selfish and I don't deserve her but I just don't want things to change. I don't hate her (nor could I ever) but i don't want to lose her. I don't care about relationship titles I just want to have her in my life and I want to be close. Life moves fast and maybe i'm just trying to live life the way I want but I just want to stay happy. Even this week I can feel myself falling back to the ways things used to be. I think about suicide sometimes and honestly it scares me. I don't even know if anyone would miss me at this point. Sure if I talked to people they would say of course but they're just saying that. My parents don't like me, I have no friends at school, The few friends I actually have all moved to ottawa to go to university and even this girl who means so much to me probably would forget about me after awhile. I just don't see a point in life anymore. I have no future, I dont do well at school, im not motivated. Im just depressed all the time and even the one thing that made me happy is drifting away. I dont blame her, it's not her fault im so dependant on other people for my happiness. Im not a happy person, I never have been. I just wish things didnt have to change. I just want you in my life for along time and im sorry for complicating things with feelings. Im sorry for my attachment to you but you make me so god damn happy and I just cant let someone as good as you go. You always say you're such a shit person but your not. You're honestly the nicest most genuine person ive ever met and god I just wish I didnt fuck things up. Lauren if you ever read this peice of shit text post I just want you to know I love you and im sorry for that. Just live your own life and ill live mine. I know you'll do just fine and ill just try not to slip back into how things were. I needed to type this out instead of doing something stupid

I thought to myself oh yes I'm 18 this year things are gonna change ill be living life and enjoying it! How wrong I was I'm still the same pathetic person I was last year turns out being 18 isn't that great.. Depressing rant over.

Everything feels like a lifetime ago. Time spent with teammates laughing at each other, rolling around the field, not caring for the weird looks that so often went our way. Fighting for what we wanted with reckless abandon. Bus rides home with the best friend after a long day at school, sometimes there was incessant chatter about our respective days, and other times, just quiet, simply enjoying the other's presence. Having fun without so much as a care for the reat of the world. Sometimes I wonder if I've squandered my time away. Maybe that time spent talking could have been spent studying. Maybe joining Rugby was a regrettable choice. Maybe falling for a stupid boy was avoidable. Maybe I could have started earlier. Maybe it's too late. Right now, with just 6 days till the big A's, I'm beginning to feel fear. So much hinges on this last exam, my future, and the childhood dream that is now the goal I'm so close to achieving, but so close to failing. 12 years of education. And for what? Merely a few papers lasting a couple of hours each. And for that you're going to be judged on where you stand amongst your peers, how 'intelligent' you are (nevermind that exams in actuality fail to reflect on you as a person). All those years of work for a piece of paper (albeit an important one, so it appears) with letters on it. Letters that determine where you go from here, who gets a headstart in their careers, and who doesn't. The rat race, they call it, and you're not ever going to get away.