#demisexual article

A Demisexual Reads Cosmopolitan’s “Everything You Need To Know About Demisexuality” Article (On Snapchat 3/19/17)

When I first Saw Cosmo’s article, I’ll admit I was a little bit excited. Finally something on large scale media about my small scale sexuality. I myself had learned about it from a favorite YouTuber and after realizing I identified closely, did more research on the topic of demisexuality and the ace-spectrum in general. I assumed most people would swipe by this particular article because it wasn’t something people know well enough to catch their attention, but it was at least a way to get the word “demisexual” out there in the universe besides the community of Tumblrites and Youtubers that I know so I gave it a shot. I’m now going to put a disclaimer here: *Everybody interprets their sexuality differently. I am basing most of my critique on personal experience and research. Somebody who experiences and identifies demisexuality differently than I do may disagree with my statements, but I will try to be as general and informative as possible. This is just a reaction to some of the statements made in the initial article*

What initially caught my eye were the chosen photographs to accompany the article. The title page is a man and a woman sensually kissing with rose petals falling and sexy music in the background. The photo in the middle of the article is of a girl in her underwear lying “sexily” on a bed. As a demisexual I don’t quite understand this choice. As a critic I’m a little bit concerned for those who are not familiar with demisexuality. If this is someone’s first exposure to demisexuality and the ace-spectrum, I would say this is very misleading for the obvious reason. Asexual… as in, Not Sexual.

The article is set up simply. A few general questions those who don’t know what demisexuality is are bolded and used as headers for paragraphs that give the information. The first one reads:

“What is Demisexuality?”

The first paragraph answering this question is pretty basic. It explains how not everyone is into casual sex and may prefer to have an emotional connection first, but people who are demisexual require an emotional connection. Pretty simple, pretty accurate. Good job Cosmo! The only thing that stuck out to me was the last line “It’s part of their sexual orientations”. It may have been unintentional, and I could be wrong but there are some people (myself included) who use demisexual as their standalone orientation. I have also seen variations such as demibisexual, pandemisexual, etc. but in my experience most people just call it their sexual orientation. Many demisexuals accompany their demisexuality with a romantic orientation (heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc.) but that is a separate entity than the sexual orientation. This is just a minor critique, but it did stand out to me as I read.

In the second paragraph, the Demisexuality Resource Center and AVEN are referenced. Great! The article explains asexuality a little, since demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum. This part was pretty well done. I especially liked the “…demisexuals are capable of sexual attraction but only in specific circumstances, not on a regular basis.” While this is true for other sexualities, especially those on the ace-spectrum, in the context of the article and demisexuality for those who don’t know about it, this is a good way to describe it. What I didn’t like was how the author goes on to say that demisexuals sometimes refer to themselves as gray-ace. While this is true, I also have seen that gray-aces are their own sexuality as well. Through my research I’ve noticed that a lot of the ace-spectrum compensates for the lack of representation by lumping together for ease of explanation, but I felt as if this was an erasure of gray-aces who don’t identify as demisexuals as well.

The next heading was “What is it like to be demisexual?”, and it opens with a quote from a writer who is demisexual. Yes! Using demisexual people in a demisexual article is pretty important to understanding because we’re the people who know how to explain it best. The quote very accurately described the absence of sexual desire that accompanies the ace-spectrum in a demisexual way.

The next paragraph has a quote from the Demisexuality Resource Center, and talked about how little representation of asexuality and specifically demisexuality there is in pop culture and how that contributes to the “brokenness” that a lot of demisexual people feel. This whole section was well written and explained in a simple yet accurate way how demisexuals feel. You’re doing great, Cosmo!

The last heading is “What do critics of the label say?” and here’s where I get most fired up. First paragraph in this section is relatively good. It explains the unfortunately typical responses many demisexuals face, especially when coming out. Pretty simple, pretty accurate, can maybe get the general audience to now see what we get hit with out in the world. Props to the author of the article for having this be the ending section of the article as well. Had they led with these general misconceptions, the audience may have gotten these claims stuck in their heads before they even learned about asexuality and demisexuality. The author’s next paragraph talks about how demisexuals describe their sexual feelings and how “they literally don’t get turned on” unless the emotional connection is there.

The next sentence is about people with low sex drive due to depression, hormonal imbalances, and more, which is good for comparison, I agree, but the end of the sentence completely disregards what the whole previous section of the article was about. The article says they get “bothered” by the lack of sex drive, and feel like something’s missing. While this is probably true (I have no experience to back this up) the next sentence states that demisexuals feel that how they’re experiencing attraction is part of who they are.

While this isn’t untrue, it can be misleading. Many demisexuals, as the author said in the previous section, feel that something is missing, that they're broken. Many don’t even realize that there’s a term for how they feel sexual attraction. In my personal sexuality journey, I would get very scared when I did feel sexual attraction because it wasn’t something I normally experienced, but when I didn’t experience it I was different from everyone else.

At the end, it does say that a version of the article was published in February of 2015, so maybe there’s more to this article than I’m seeing. It’s kind of expected considering the size restraints of the Snapchat article. I also haven’t researched if the author of the article is demisexual, so that could also play a factor in the research and writing of the article in the first place.

Overall, I’d give this article a 4/10. It was decent, in my opinion. It gave the gist of demisexuality, but it didn’t do a very good job of showing the small pinpoint it is on the spectrum of asexuality. It also contradicted itself, as I said, but maybe that’s just syntax.