#deep angst

Today was not much different from any other day around Eboras, and I trekked around the hills. discovering new sights and animals that I had never seen before.  This was helpful in two ways; first, it helped occupy my time, and second, I was learning the terrain.  In the not so unlikely event where I was discovered again, I would have a leg up on my pursuers and hopefully be able to lose them in the mountains around Eboras.

As I neared the thatched huts of the village, I stopped to pick a exceptionally beautiful flower that I had never seen before and tuck it into the braids of my hair.  I had never bothered to remove Thorin's courting braid after I had left.  I kept it as a memento of him, to keep his memory alive within my mind.

After I had seen Fili and Kili in the marketplace of Minas Tirith, after supposing they were dead, I had begun to wonder about Thorin.  Surely he would have come with them if he had been alive, right?  Or had he finally fulfilled his life-long dream of becoming King Under the Mountain?  The second idea was highly unlikely because I surely would have received word if he had become King.  

I now had even more reason to believe that Thorin was dead, and my heart felt like it had taken a Morgul arrow straight through its center.  I had always entertained the idea that he was still alive and well, but now...  I found it impossible to try and hope that he was alive.  

Part of me wished for news of the Cursed Mountain, but none had come to Eboras.  The people here were not concerned with it or its gold, prefering to tend to their own business.  Strangers were rare in these parts.

A strong gust of the clear mountain wind blew back my raven locks, and I felt a soft muzzle against my back.  A laugh escaped my rosy lips as I turned to see Ciara standing there, her dark ears pricked towards me as she nudged me again.  

She had put on some weight, being out on the rich pastures of the Rohirrim and not being rode much.  But she was still my swift pony at heart, and I knew that she would be capable of long distance sprints if I needed her to do so.

"Hello, Ciara.  Do you miss our rides, my beauty?"  I murmured to her, and she snuffled, nosing my open palm.  "Sorry girl, no treats today."  I giggled, and she seemed to be disappointed.  But then she raised her head to look at something over my shoulder.  Her light-coloured eyes were curious, and I wondered what had caught her attention.

Turning, I let out a gasp of surprise as I saw who was jogging towards me.  "Bofur?"  I whispered, my blue eyes wide with horror.  I thought Eboras was far enough away, but apparently not.

"Estelle, I've been all over looking for ya!"  Bofur said, panting as he hurried towards me.  "I have to tell ya something."  

I tried to back away, but he grabbed my wrist.  "Estelle, ya need to listen."  He said, his dark brown eyes locked onto mine.  I shook my head, trying to pull away from him, but I found that his grip was deceptively strong.  

"Bofur, let me go.  I don't want to hurt you, but if I have too..."  I trailed off meaningfully, but he took no notice.  

"Estelle, there is something ya need to hear about--"  I cut him off with a swift punch to his jaw.  His hand went limp around my wrist as his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell back, unconscious.  

I was very confident in my warrior skills due to Thorin having trained me during the journey to Erebor, curse its name.  He was the best teacher I had ever had, and his prowess showed in me.  Although, many of the training sessions had ended up without much training taking place at all.  Just an exchange of words.

Grabbing Ciara's bridle, I led her towards the village, towards my hut that I had finally begun to call my own, after only a few months of living here.  I'd only just begun to feel at home here among the Rohirrim, but now that was changing.

Gathering my meager things, I packed them up onto Ciara's back and climbed onto her back.  "Let's ride, Ciara.  Far away from here."  I urged, kicking her into a trot as we traveled down the

mountain slope, passing by Bofur's unconscious form.

I did feel bad about hurting him, but I'd tried to warn him.  He didn't take me seriously, which a lot of people seemed to do since I was a Dwarrowdame.  I tried to push him out of my mind, but his words bugged me.

What did I need to hear?  Was it news from the Cursed Mountain?  I didn't really want to know, but my curiosity was aroused.  Perhaps I would hear it later in my travels.  Surely I might meet someone on the road that could tell me any recent news, or perhaps the Elves of Lothlorien would know more.  They were quite knowledgeable about many things...

For now I needed to concentrate on traveling as quickly as possible and getting to my destination as fast  as I could.  I wanted to be far away from Eboras, and well out of sight before Bofur woke up.  I knew he would find some way to communicate with Dwalin, Fili and Kili to inform them of my whereabouts.

But we hadn't spoken in days.  I had passed by him in the hallways of Erebor, but the royal home of Dwarves had truly lived up to its other name of 'The Lonely Mountain' as Thorin ignored me.  We had been so in love only a few days ago.  But we just stopped talking.  Something happened.  We argued for the first time in several months.    

Turnin' back the pages

To our younger days,

yeah

It made me think of when we had first met, of when we'd first begun courting.  We had been so young and naive then.  We'd thought that all we needed was love, that love solved everything.  We hadn't realized what problems love brought with it when it entered a person's heart and bound them to another person.  

I can still imagine you

Boomin' like the thunder

Chasin' life with wonder

With fire that could light a room

I could still see him, walking into a room where I was.  He had a presence that was unignorable.  His voice rumbled and rolled like the thunder in the rain showers that fell and watered the earth

during the summer.  It was so deep and sexy.  When he was alone with me, his voice grew even lower, into the tone he reserved for those he loved.  

We had chased after life together, exploring everything it offered and trying new things.  I could still see the smirk he'd worn after I'd made my first shirt of mail.  It had been a bit, well, uneven.  I'd been so proud of it until I'd seen what he had made.  It was a silver necklace, inlaid with a blue crystal.  Utterly perfect.

Even though Thorin was sometimes portrayed as unfeeling, I knew otherwise.  He had a fire within him, a passion that never ran dry.  After he came back from extended leaves required by his Kingship, he would come to my apartments and kiss me senseless, longing invading his heart for me.  

And his walk...  My heart would pound as I saw him swagger into the room.  His hips would swing about in the most alluring ways.  

In those days when we both attended court events, he would walk into the room and just stare at me, and I could feel his gaze even when my back was to him.  He brought fire to me, wherever we were, and there were days when I wanted nothing but him.

Bottom kinda fell out

Waited for the rebound

But you never made a move

And then everything changed.  We argued, and grew apart.  Where there had once been an unbreakable bond, there was only fragments that threatened to break at any given moment.  I thought it was just a phase we would go through, that Thorin would miss me and come back.

But he never did.  Months went by and he wouldn't even glance at me.  It hurt, to see him laugh at something someone else said, to know that he didn't even think of me anymore.  That he didn't desire me like he used to.  

When life cuts so deep

Try and remember

So I tried to forget him, but it just cut deeper.  I could never look for another Dwarrow because none were like him.  And I only wanted him.  Everyone else lacked something that Thorin had.  

I tried to be strong and bear it, but there were days when it just became too much, having to watch him flirt with another Dwarrowdame, and see that smile that he'd reserved only for me being given to another woman.  

Then I found an unexpected comfort in someone I'd never dreamed of being able to help.

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

Thranduil saw my hurt when I visited his kingdom one day, and he drew me aside to ask what had happened.  He knew the feelings I tried to hide, and could see hurt in my eyes.  Hurt he'd once felt.

He had scars in the same places as me.  The same parts of his heart had been broken and never mended.  Life had treated us the same, even though we were of two different races.  

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

He told me of the days when his wife had still lived, of how broken he'd been when she'd passed on.  I could see tears in his eyes as he described her, of how she'd laugh over the silliest of things, of how her smile would brighten his darkest days.  

Another unexpected person also offered his help.  Legolas told of the day his wife had miscarried the child they'd so dearly wanted after so many centuries of failure.  

So, lift your head, lift your head

Lift your head to where your help comes from

They helped me bear my burden, and see that someday good would come out of this suffering.  That one day I would look back on this and see the good in it.  Perhaps it was Mahal's way of preparing me for some higher calling, to be able to help others in the same situation.

You, you're are not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

I would bear the scars as long as I lived, and it still hurt to see Thorin taking another maid out for a walk in the gardens when I had known such love and devotion from him before.  But what was life without heartbreak?  I had known hurt before, when my mother had passed onto the halls of Aule.

Life ain't got no sequel

We all broken people

I would have only one chance here, and I wanted to make the best of it.  I began to see the broken pieces in other people, and tried to help them mend them if I could.  Everyone had some hurt that had never healed, and still burned within them, causing pain.

The only road to found is lost

Oversimplifying

Ain't no shame in trying

As I continued walking my path in life, I found that my heart was healing, that I was overcoming my loss.  That after wandering through the dark for so many years, I finally knew my calling.  I had tried, and I was stronger than before.

Passion never counts the cost

Now you won't take my phone calls

You won't text me back at all

When I'd first fallen for Thorin, I'd never thought about what would happen if we had grown apart.  What would happen if I gave him all, and then he let me down.  My passion for him had overridden my common sense, and I'd gotten hurt, badly.

I just wanna see you

I can't stand to see you gone

I still wanted to see him, to talk with him, and say I still loved him.  It was impossible for me to forget my love for him.  It still hurt that he never came to see me anymore.  It was like there was a massive void in my life.  I had never realized just how big a part he played.

Yesterday I missed you

Yesterday I played your song

Tears fell as I plucked the strings of the harp, deeper tones echoing through the air as I played a song I'd written for Thorin.  There was deep tones, and then a happier, wild tune that compelled the listener to tap their foot and dance along.  It was my way of describing him within my music.  I rarely played the song, it brought up memories that made me miss him even more.

I'm oversimplifying

I'm oversimplifying

I just tried to do small tasks everyday, to pull myself from the hole I kept trying to push myself into so I could just fade away and escape from the hurt I felt constantly.  Everyone told me to push through it, but I couldn't.  I only functioned when I simplified.

But try and remember

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

Thranduil was always trying to console me, even on the days I tried to push him away.  He knew what I felt on a daily basis, knew which scars hurt on what day, after what event.  He knew all too well how easily the scars formed.

You, you're not alone

We've all been there

So, lift your head, lift your head

Lift your head to where your help comes from

Now, more than ever I relied on Mahal for help.  I didn't understand why he had given me this tribulation, but it was for a reason.

There come a day when I felt a tug to be light-hearted through my pain.  I tried, I tried so hard, but it felt so unfamiliar, so wrong that I wanted to shy away.  But there was still that gentle, loving tug on my heart, telling me to cheer up, that I tried again.

You, you're are not alone

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

Scars come, scars come, oh, scars come

Oh, scars come with livin'

Scars come, scars come, oh, scars come

Oh, scars come with livin'It doesn't matter who you are

I'd learned through it all, that everyone had scars, no matter their age or position, they'd all felt hurt that haunted them, that followed them around and tried to push them down on a daily basis.  

Thranduil had scars, both in physical and emotional form, and there he was, governing a kingdom and raising a son all at the same time.  Although I knew that he still hurt greatly from the death of his wife; she had been his most prized, best loved, and her loss broke him.

This world gon' leave some battle scars

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (ooh)You, You're not alone

I was a wiser person today than I was yesterday, and the years before.  I knew that everyone had scars from their own personal battles.  No one could say they didn't have scars and not be lying.  I would be lying if I said I had never been hurt by Thorin's leaving.  But I was not alone.  

I had Thranduil, and Mahal.  Mahal cared so deeply for me, and his love was helping me through this battle in my life.  With his help, I would make it through this.  

We've all been there

Scars come with livin'

You, you're not alone, you're not alone

So lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (head up)

To where your help comes from

Lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (head up, head up)

Oh, scars come with livin'

Lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (lift your head, lift your head, lift your hea-hea-head)

To where your help comes from

Lift your head up (scars come,

scars come)(lift your head, lift your head, lift your head)

Every day I would wake up with dread at facing a new day, a new experience.  The unknown.  But Mahal had worked in my heart, and was helping me heal, a little bit at a time.  He was helping me, giving me the strength and fatherly love I needed right now.

Oh, scars come with livin'

Lift your head up (scars come, scars come) (head up, head up)It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

Lift your head up (scars come,

scars come) (lift your head, lift your head, lift your head)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars (battle scars)

It doesn't matter who you are (who you are)

This world gon' leave some battle scars

I had become secure with who I was, and it no longer hurt me to see Thorin with his current betrothed.  Mahal was the only one I bowed to, the only one who truly knew my pain and had helped heal it.  I could walk around with a smile on my face, feeling a true joy spark within me.

Watching the orange sphere begin to settle lower on the horizion, I smiled, feeling immense gratitude towards Mahal.  He was my King, the only King I would call mine.  He was my father.  He had such divine power that I never dreamed of.  Power that had helped heal a broken heart and make it whole again.