#dec19

At the moment.

My current read is 'The Mountain is You'

Rain + good read, kulang nlng init na kape/choco ☕️

I think the time passed is already enough for me to get back on my toes and start studying again. I already enrolled in 2 review centers; practice tests, lecture videos, and handouts are actually waiting for me to start scanning them. I read some articles as to why I am feeling like a failure and how to overcome it. I will summarize it here.

1. Challenge your thoughts

“People can cope with feeling like a failure by first recognizing that thoughts are not facts”

“When we realize that we are engaging in a negative core belief about the self, such as, ‘I’m a failure’, we can challenge the thought, see what thinking trap we are falling into, and evaluate the evidence,” says Lavelle. This will gradually break down the belief that you’re a failure.

Lavelle recommends keeping a thought diary. She says it can help you see what situations elicit failure and plan how you will challenge the thought with proof of your many successes.

2. Minimize comparison to others

Social media can make it hard to feel good about yourself when everyone’s accomplishments and victories are all you see. Not everything online is true and posts might not even be examples of things you truly value. You rarely get to see anyone’s struggles or setbacks. Still, it’s easy to get sucked into comparing yourself.

When you notice yourself falling into the comparison trap, you bring your awareness back to your own accomplishments.

Phillips says, “Remember that another person’s accomplishment does not take anything away from you. Nor should it reflect on you. If you’re going to compare, look at your past self to see how far you’ve come.”

If you notice certain social media accounts bring up feelings of comparison frequently, consider unfollowing them or taking periodic breaks from social media.

3. Notice the positive

“At any given moment, more things are going right for you than not”, says licensed professional counselor Gabriella Chisholm.

When uncomfortable feelings such as failure arise, Chisholm suggests practicing gratitude. She says to try and reflect on the areas of your life where you are doing well and feel fulfilled. Take a moment of gratitude for how you show up.

“Sometimes we just need a reminder that things aren’t all bad to get a balanced perspective about our lives and functioning,” says Chisholm.

4. Engage in self-compassion

Everyone makes mistakes. Yet, we often respond to these mistakes by shutting down our feelings or shaming ourselves.

Holding a negative perception of yourself can lead to feeling quickly defeated by challenges since it can seem like proof of what you already believe: You’re not good enough.

Building self-love and self-compassion are essential to turning this story of your worth around. It reminds you that we’re all inherently worthy.

If you’re hard on yourself, it can help to kindly validate your feelings. Chisholm suggests reciting a script in your head for when you’re feeling like a failure.

One she recommends: “I’m struggling with this feeling that I’m a failure and that’s okay. I’m human, things have been very hard, and I’m allowed to not be happy sometimes. I’m working on it.”

5. Realign your understanding of failure

Ask yourself, “What is driving your personal view of failure?”

Explore this question on your own or with a therapist to help you gain insight into your core beliefs around failure — and success.

“Realigning your understanding and accepting that we all have some failures and that all that matters is how you learn from your failures, how you bounce back, and if you try again,” she says.

“Failure is not a label,” says Saltz. She explains that it’s something that happens, not a validation of who we are as a person.

The other side of reinventing your definition of failure is defining success. Instead of looking to external measures, think about what traits you have that you and others around you value, like being organized or a reliable friend. Then list other times you’ve persevered in the face of obstacles. Keep this success list handy when you’re feeling down.

I am not a failure. I choose not to be a failure. I will stand up and get back on track.

But what I've really been thinking about is myself. Adastra has a lot of subtext and even just text about being true to yourself, not letting others define you and decide the person you become. It all made me feel... inauthentic. And not in the usual "oh, I'm gay in the midwest and people don't take kindly to my kind" way, but I suppose it's an extension of that. I keep my whole personality constrained, constantly, for everyone in my life. I'm more open with some people, sure, but there genuinely isn't a single person I'm ever totally honest with. Among strangers, I'm a blank brick wall; with coworkers, I'm passibly friendly with a hint of snark; with family, I express my interests and some hobbies; with my friends, I'm the most open about my feelings and the things I care about. All of them come with caveats, no one gets the full story even if I tell them otherwise.

I don't share my writing, or my bad breakdowns, or the fact I'm a furry, and as more of it piles up I'm just left wondering what's wrong with me. It feels awful to sit next to someone, and have them telling me the intimate details of their lives and emotions, only for me to only scratch the surface of mine and pass it off as the whole picture. And ripping off that bandaid could come so easily, I know that better than most, I mean almost every time I've come out to someone as gay it was a sudden act of panic, but then the next bandaid is still sitting there waiting. I'm really overloading myself with metaphor at this point, but the point is that I feel this horrible disconnect from everyone around me, I'm reserved to the point people actually just think I have nothing going on. That I'm chill, easy going, patient. I'm sick of it.

DECEMBER 31, 2019

방탄소년단 @bts​_twt : 반짝반짝 작은별 태형🎵⭐💫