Life lately

Hi there. I am currently here at Mcdo Gusa, it's currently 9:54pm on my watch right now and I just came from a seminar held at Luxe Hotel. I am waiting for Stephen to arrive (his off is at 10pm), so we can go home together. As I am writing this right now, lola is currently being admitted at Mercy Hospital..here's a back story:

Lately, I've noticed that lola is paler than normal and her palpebral conjunctiva is very pale. Her O2 sat would just range from 91-94% room air, and is sometimes very tachypneic... so I decided to have her labs checked. Stephen recommended Fatimah diagnostics and they offer home service for laboratory workups. We checked for her cbc, Na and K. So the results came back and her cbc showed high wbc (leukocytosis) and severe anemia (hgb 7.2g/dl). This alarmed me very much and immediately sent her results to our group chat. It saddens me to think that everyone is just plain silent with her results and there were no signs of urgency. Only when ate Nalou replied and she immediately said she needs to be admitted ASAP for blood transfusion. The family first argued that there's no sense in admitting lola as she won't be living a quality life anymore.. but it's also sad to think that there's still something we can do for lola to be comfortable, but opted not to exhaust all the possible resources. :( I cried with the thought that everyone is no longer that aggressive with lola's treatment. Or simply because they don't care. Or because they don't want to be burdened with the financial problem. Anyways, after long hours of waiting and with the help of Yanyan, we were able to procure a room for lola at Mercy Hospital. She was accompanied by lola akis and ate Isay. Lola looks very weak and fragile and I know she's helpless and she needs our utmost care and help in times like this. huhu :( Long story short, she was admitted yesterday, advised for blood transfusion of 3 bags, for whole abdomen ultrasound (since she's constipated for 5 days already), for TPN (since she's NPO for now). I am planning to go home this weekend to pay her a visit. Lord, let your will be done on lola Lord.

Random photos.

1. Dli mi niya ubanon ugma sa BM para mag tagbo new year kay wala daw mag-alsa lola, even though niana nako na naa si uncle ug ako.

2. Gikasab-an niya lola atong last time nag adto BM kay saba daw kaayo siya. And mind you, lola was aware that time and nahiubos kaayo syang mommy.

Am I ready to be with someone who spends most of his time (aside from work) playing video games? And he also spends a fortune on his games? He would literally spend lots of money to gamble. He would lose sleep because of his work and video games. I wonder what married life could be like with a gamer husband. Will our day offs and free time be spent indoors so he can play all day and leave me all alone in a corner? Will we have financial arguments someday because of how he spends so much money on video games? Will he be willing to look after our kids if my career gets demanding? Will there be a point where he will choose his game over me? Am I ready to go to church alone every Sunday because he needs to attend his event every Sunday too?

Review days at home. 💖

Life lately.

Some snippets from my 1st week of 2024. Slowly back to studying and dating gawi.

Contract renewed!

Happy new year everyone! So happy to spend NY with family and stephen 🫶🏻

Mutual freedom

Compassion

Faithfulness

Trust

No unnecessary drama

She's easy to joke around with; while we can have our serious discussions, being constantly silly around each other puts us both in a happy mood. It's easy to make her laugh, too.

She has never once expressed jealousy or worry concerning my female friends. 

I don't feel the need to censor myself or walk on eggshells around her.

She doesn't stress or worry in excess

Not getting all emotional (angry/upset) and loosing her ability to think in a reasonable fashion.

No nagging

When she thinks about her emotions and understands them before acting on them

She's realistic. Sometimes I don't have time or money to do something. She knows that this does not reflect on how much I like her.

Openness and tactful bluntness. Basically, effective communication.

Understanding that some of her interests bore me and vice versa, being fine with that and not needing your partner arond all the time.

Makes sure I spend enough time with the boys, actively encourages me to go see them.

Let's me have video game time and other personal time without complaint.

Doesn't get jealous when I talk to another woman (even an ex).

Generally let's me continue to be me, while being a person in my life I love to spend time with.

Be generous

Be accountable

Show admiration and don’t talk down upon or manipulate your partner

Don't be high strung, jealous, nosy, or insecure.

Have dates and plans together, sure. But don't otherwise assume that a lack of outside plans implies some sort of assumed plans to be together. Let him do his thing. You don't need to just show up and be all in his business just because you're bored.

Don't try to impose when he's out with his guy friends. Men need our time to fraternize. No, we don't want our chicks there. That's why you weren't invited.

Don't text him all day. We don't need to send kissy faces all day to validate our affection. Nor do we want to hear your play-by-play of your normal day. Texting is a crappy way to communicate ideas, thoughts and intentions.

Don't use sex to manipulate him or get what you want. If sex is already in the picture, it's a mutual activity it isn't something you gift him or graciously allow him to partake in. If the sex stops we honestly have zero reason to be together anymore, so forget the small argument we had and lose my number.

Don't expect us to know what you're thinking. If you want something, speak up. If we said something hurtful, use your words. Sulking, sighing, and moping around are not how adults communicate. Tell us even the things you think we assume, chances are we don't already know it. You have access to a much larger array of emotions than we do so point out things we miss.

Pondering my thoughts and actions lately, I can say I am slowly becoming toxic towards Stephen. I am slowly sabotaging our relationship. I don't want to go that way because Stephen is a good guy; he is a nice guy, and I love him.

In one instance, I thought he didn't want to videochat with me. So what I did was tell him I'd stay distant and detach myself from him. The next day, I did not talk to him the whole day and restricted him on messenger. I deleted him from my Instagram's bio and archived all our photos and highlights. I removed our messenger's nickname and theme. All at once. Toxic, I know :( I didn't know that silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and isn't healthy. Despite that, Stephen still sent me constant updates on how his day went and sent photos of their Christmas party. Eventually, we became okay afterwards.

Another thing I noticed about myself is that I am so sensitive and would easily get hurt and annoyed with whatever Stephen would say. For example, he said something that was supposed to be a joke. But I took it seriously, and that caused another fight. which, in the first place, should not happen.

I also find myself overthinking and looking at his social media, who he was following on instagram and his reactors on facebook. I am slowly becoming the 'Toxic Girlfriend' And I don't want that. I want the chill gf Mimah. I think staying at home whole day whole night with nothing to do gives me a lot of time to overthink and it's not healthy. I read some posts on reddit and how people said that this is a toxic behavior and their partners should run from someone like this. I wanna change. Change for the good and for the better. I wanna claim my life back. I wanna be busy again. I don't want my world to revolve about Stephen.

I also happened to see a video from tiktok about anxious attachment, and I think I have this type of attachment now :(

I can relate to Very clingy, negative self-view (I think I had this when I failed my board exam), emotional sensitive, tends to OVERANALYZE.

During our video call, I asked Stephen about his Gcash flashback because I jokingly shared mine and told him I didn't expect it to be that huge since I don't have a job and income yet, expecting he'd share his too. So I told him that my money spent on shopping was PPhp130,000, and now it's his time to tell his. He shrugged off the topic by saying that he can't find his screenshots of his GCashflashback (mind you, he was the one who introduced this feature to me,and it was just days ago when we had this topic, so I know he would not have lost those screenshots). I still insisted, but he shrugged me off again and told me that he'd just share it personally (which both of us know will never happen because we'll just forget the topic when we meet personally). But I still persuaded him (I know, my bad) and said that he'd check his GGcash. But why would he still need to check it when he already knows the amount?? Because,hello, you can't just forget the exact amount immediately.

So that's when I realized that maybe... He doesn't want me to know about his finances. Or maybe I crossed a boundary that should not have been crossed in the first place. Or perhaps he was not comfortable with the topic of finances. Or we're still not on that "level.".

Anyway, I became silent all of a sudden and told him not to bother anymore. And that's when he sent those screenshots. Just when I'm no longer interested. When I'm no longer curious. When I'm already annoyed, I have to ask him many times just to get an answer.

I told him to unsend those photos because I'm no longer interested. He asked why, and I explained my side. He told me that he was just joking and messing around, just like he used to. He did not expect that I would react so sensitively. He told me, na dali ra daw ko mangluod.

December 20, 2023

Had a quick lunch date with ate Cha at Brave Cafe. Talked about ganaps in life, future plans and everything in between.

I accompanied uncle Junjun to his appointment with his doctor. The queue was very long; we had to wait for 2 hours. I'm glad I brought my iPad with me! I was able to read "The Mountain is You." I'm almost done with the book!  

After uncle's appointment, we headed to Gab's 1st birthday at Linamon. Waah! Very busog!

Had a quick escapade at Kauswagan, Lanao del Norte with family to witness the spectacular Christmas village.