#death practices

First and foremost, in my tradition, death is not viewed as something dirty or polluting. While we obviously don't look forward to members of the household dying, we understand that death comes to everyone, so it isn't something to be feared. When someone dies, we don't rush to cleanse the house because that could chase away their spirit. Many spiritual cleansing methods are hostile to spirits of all varieties, and newly incorporeal spirits are especially susceptible.

We also don't physically clean the house until we either have confirmation that their spirit has returned, or until we have their remains back. [It's worth noting that my mom's family, where I learned this, are all cremation people. We don't bury our dead.] We do basic things, like keeping up with the dishes, but we try to leave the house as much like it was when the person died as possible. That way it's familiar to them. We also don't want to accidentally compromise something they're using as a tether. A tether is something that a small, insentient part of their spirit is tied to so that they can find their way home. My dog's tether was easy to figure out: her collars. Other people's tethers may not be immediately obvious, so we don't get rid of anything.

In my experience, after someone dies, their spirit goes away for a while. I mean, if I suddenly lost my Earthly body and got to go wherever I wanted, I would absolutely go exploring. We believe that's a large part of why people feel so exhausted when a member of the household dies - they aren't in the house to receive their offerings, so they're drawing all of their energy from household members. Because of that, it is super important that household members take care of themselves! You need to eat, to rest, to stay hydrated; not just for yourself, but for the loved one who has passed. Your community, if you have one, will bring you food for this very reason.

Some household members return really quickly, and that's especially true for pets. My dog probably doesn't know what the Grand Canyon is, so she doesn't much care about going to see it. She does, however, know exactly what her bed is, and she cares a whole lot about seeing it. My dog returned the very night of her passing - my husband and I both heard the distinctive jingle of her collar tags the next morning while we were waking up. (Her physical collars were on the other side of the house, sitting on a table, with nothing to move them.)

When someone's spirit returns, you need to be ready for them. We left my dog's food and water bowls filled. Her kennel door is open, her bedding is still inside. We left her spot on the couch clear so that she can sit on it. For a human, you may want to put out their favorite book so that they can easily read it, make coffee for them in the morning, keep their slippers on the side of the bed. Anything to make sure they know they are still welcome.

As a whole From Here to Eternity is fascinating and covers a wide range of cultural death rituals. The illustrations by Landis Blair are a nice touch, some of the things are difficult to visualise without an aid. Including some American rituals was welcome. One was a slightly unusual or more traditional version of a popular option. One is a result of donating a body to science and future body disposal option The last is gaining popularity and is well linked to the rest of the chapter. That chapter on California feels like quite a personal chapter for Caitlin, maybe. At least it feels like these would be her wishes. Sky burial is her ideal way for her body to be disposed but a green burial would be a reasonable compromise.

Colorado: Crestone "the cremations are often open to the entire community, and you never know who is going to be there, and how they are going to respond to the intensity of feeling the pyre can provoke. People imagine themselves lying on that pyre one day." The open-air pyres are a brilliant idea. I really hope they spread and become more common. There is some wastage in wood but 'commercial cremation' as it is referred to here uses fossil fuels. There are cultural reasons to encourage it, the sterility of 'commercial cremations' is uncomfortable for some. There is joy in seeing people so enthusiastic about their work and for that enthusiasm to be so catching it infects a whole community. Creating such a death positive community that I can't imagine.

Indonesia: South Sulawesi Paul describes death in Toraja, as he's witnessed it, not as a "hard border," an impenetrable wall between the living and the dead, but a border that can be transgressed.  According to their animalistic belief system, there is also no barrier between the human and nonhuman aspects of the natural world: animals, mountains and even the dead." This chapter introduces us to semi recurring 'character' and author Paul Koudounaris. Paul is a very distinctive man I like that he reappears. The comfort that the people in Toraja have with death is inspiring. Bringing out their death and visiting them, living with their deceased family members for it long as it takes for them to be able to afford a sacrifice, be that days, weeks or months. That is their norm. They are as comfortable with the dead as they are with the living.

Mexico: Michoacan "For Sarah, coming to terms with her son's death wasn't an attempt to erase her fear of mortality; she knew such a task was impossible. She just wanted to engage with death, to be allowed to speak its name." A substantial amount of this story has Sarah Chavez's personal story woven in. Anyone who has listened to Death in the Afternoon or has spent time around The Order of the Good Death knows of Sarah (I think she's made appearances on Ask a Mortician too). Sarah's story is about the loss of culture, neonatal death and grief. There is a focus on grief and respecting grief. Something western cultures handle really badly is this specific type of grief, we do need to talk about neonatal death and grief.

North Carolina: Cullowhee "It is worth noting that the main players in the recomposition project are women—scientists, anthropologists, lawyers, architects. Educated women, who have the privilege to devote their efforts to rights a wrong. They're  given prominent space in their professional careers to changing the current system of death." There was a moment reading this when I realised how you know you've made it in academia and research generally... getting hate write-ups from popular bloggers (this one is also an anti-vaxxer, 9/11 truther and Sandy Hook shooting sceptic). The pure power of so many strong women in one place gave me great joy. This whole chapter is a beautiful look at what can happen if you donate your body to science. There are some innovations in not only what is happening with remains but how they are respected post-death. Talarico's cadaver program is brilliant, there is so much respect there and a wonderful way to teach medical students about death and empathy.

Spain: Barcelona "When your bills come due, you have to pay them. At my company, I pay my bills. Here at this restaurant, I pay my bill. It is the same with feelings. When the feelings come, the fear of death, I must feel those feelings. I must pay my bill. It is being alive." (Caitlin's publisher Jordi in answer to a question about what the day had been like) Spain is another first world western culture and provides a decent contrast to American death culture. I was a little put off about their rituals at first, the way their bodies are displayed. There are elements of Snow White there it's certainly different. This is where cemetery recycling is discussed, something that Australia is only just bringing in but I quite like. There is also the idea of the Bio Urn which is not Spanish but this family has something similar. I appreciate the focus on dignity. But even more so I appreciate Jordi's quote, that is a wonderful way to word it.

Japan: Tokyo Dogs are a solid meeting point from a cross-cultural perspective. Everyone respects a devoted canine. All I could think when reading this section was of course Japan just does it better. Japanese culture has no fear of death and a culture of ancestral respect (shared by many Asian cultures that I know of) these are key to what Caitlin discusses. This chapter has the most mindblowing moment for me, the ruriden a place for the cremated remains to be kept and people to go a pay respects. It's not a traditional columbarium it uses technology to identify the urns for the visitors and it is just stunning. I, like Caitlin, want a corpse hotel. A place to just be and grieve. The ability to have someone not have to miss the chance to say goodbye and that immediate griefing process because of their distance from the family is a brilliant thing. I'm in Australia we have so much distance between our major cities.

Bolivia: La Paz "We're the poorest person in South America. We have a special word, feminicidio, that means a homicide where a woman is targeted and killed for being a woman, usually by a partner." (Andres Bedoya) The ñatitas are likened to technology for disadvantaged people by Paul they are quite equalist. They are a brilliant exhibition of not just death culture but faith. I'm struggling to visualise not only the skulls themselves but the Fiesta de las Ñatitas. I needed to include the quote I have because while it's not an untranslatable word it is a good one. I feel it is one that English could adopt. Look we know English steals words from other languages. And many English speaking countries do have issues with violence against women.

California: Joshua Tree "That is what I want in death: to disappear. If I'm lucky, I will disappear, swallowed by the ground like Mrs. Sheppard. But that wouldn't be my first choice." This chapter introduced a new word to me thanotourism thantos being the Greek god of death, thano being the Greek prefix for death. This is death tourism. Caitlin uses it while talking about sky burial in Tibet. Thanotourism feels intrusive and needless especially in the case of sky burials where you are relying on wild animals for the ritual to be completed. I said in the intro that this felt personal for Caitlin it kinda is. This was quite interesting as a chapter the loss of the ability to dispose of your dead in a preferred way is a big thing.

Epilogue They waited impatiently to be herded into the Hofsberg Palace to confront the relics of the past, jewels and golden sceptres and cloaks. In the church just across the courtyard, down some steep stone steps, there were bodies that could teach the children more than any spectre. Hard evidence that all who came before them have died. All will die someday. We avoid the death that surrounds us at our peril. The epilogue is so positive and powerful. It acknowledges the cultural failings, the need to be better, do better for families and the dead. Western cultures bury their grief especially those without faith, for them, there is nowhere to just be to grieve to say goodbye.