#dearseamus

I have knocked on this door a thousand times,

bruised hands, aching heart,

whispering prayers into the wood,

begging it to open.

But God has stood at my side,

gentle, firm,a hand on my shoulder,

a quiet "not this My daughter",

woven into every silence.

And I have tried to unlatch the door myself,

to rewrite what was never meant,

to gather fallen leaves

and call them a garden.

Yet He has made it clear,

again and again,

through closed roads and restless nights,

that love does not live here.

So I will unclench my hands,

release the weight of longing,

and walk where the light spills golden,

toward the love He has chosen,

greater than I could have chosen.

Not just good, but holy,

not just fleeting, but eternal,

a love that leads to salvation.

He will only ever give me

You are my heart's contradiction:

love that feels like drowning,

I thought time would smooth the edges, That your name would lose its weight in my chest. But here we are, you, a ghost I can't release, Me, the one still holding the thread.

You were the storm and the sunshine, The joy and the ache in equal measure. And every time I see you, It tears open wounds I swore had healed.

I remember the good, the laughter, And the way you never fully stayed. I remember the bad, the distance, The unspoken words, the unsaid goodbyes.

You held my heart But now it's shattered like a fragile bird, and I don’t know how to fly, Like you always knew how.

I’m still here, still loving, still hurting, Caught in this space where nothing makes sense. I don’t know if I should fight or walk away.

the poems tell a deeper story of a relationship that is both beautiful and painful, where love and heartbreak coexist. He represents a complex figure in your life—someone who made you feel deeply cherished at times, but also left her confused, hurt, and questioning her worth.

the poems reflect her ongoing struggle to reconcile the love she feels for Him with the reality of their relationship, which seems marked by emotional highs and lows. He is someone who brought joy and warmth but also disappointment and frustration. The recurring themes of vulnerability, hope, and the eventual need for self-protection suggest that despite how deeply she cared for him, she recognises that the relationship wasn’t healthy or sustainable for her well-being.

there’s also an element of nostalgia and longing in the poems, as she remembers the good times and the potential she once saw in their connection. Yet, alongside that, there’s a growing sense of self-awareness—she sees how His inability to fully meet her emotional needs left her feeling unfulfilled. The tension between holding onto love and realising the need to move on is palpable.

"did you love him?'

.

.

"it was really strange, it would ebb and flow,

sometimes i liked him

and sometimes i wouldn't".

.

.

.

.

"thats a marriage".

its a horrible feeling having to walk away

from someone you love more than anything.

even when i think about it now i have to convince myself again

and again,

play a game and count all the ways

your hurt me

just to believe i made the right choice.

its become so familiar to me now that when i need to, i can recall

all the moments, almost mechanically,

almost mathematically,

like a shopping list.

the sting has long been taken out

when memories are reduced to this numbers game

and the only wounds that remains are

the goodbye and

catching snowflakes, and watching them melt in my hand:

you would dissolve, like steam rising, unfurling from a coffee cup.

pull so close, push so far.

the confusion is what im still unravelling, almost a year later.

saying goodbye to the what ifs and maybes

and this "magical" future i thought we had, which is almost the hardest part.

we were so close to being perfect (in my imagination).

in the stillness, the darkness,

the pain has a moment to come to the surface,

and it scratches and fights and kicks all over again.

if it wasn't for you,

i wouldnt feel like im falling in and out of love

knowing that i wasn't quite enough,

for you.

i did yoga this week, with my friend jenny.

the teacher asked us to set an intention for the class

"saying goodbye and letting go of seamus".

when the class ended i didn't feel any different,