#dearadam

he is a god.

would you pray for him ?

and join us ? would you like to join us ?

it's weird to look back on that poem, and to know you for all that you are

and all that you have become.

when i saw your trembling lip

as you told me that mountain of grief

and your tears,

those tears,

made me cry and tore something inside me.

i cant believe that this seems to take everyone hostage

myself, claire, adam

just pain, pain, pain.

im sorry you're so hurt

and im sorry that seeing you so vulnerable

you're so cool, it makes me sick.

exactly as you are, so proud and bombastic.

you push yourself forward, but not for anyone but yourself

you know who you are,

you aren't scared.

and its nice to have someone

replace the name adam in my life

in a positive way.

i hate that you notice small things, because that stuff just kills me.

i said offhanded "i have low expectations of people"

and you said "i've noticed that you do".

when i pushed you said, "i cant pin down a specific time,

i just know it."

i dont know why you noticing something so small

made me like you even more

what used to be so painful

following me like a shadow

has given me some distance now.

in moments like these

when its silent

and feeling the air and the feelings

it comes back in small

I've had enough

It's been a strange day.

I spent part of it expecting to hear from you,

But also expecting not to hear from you too.

And it's been nice not having this pain in my stomach anymore.

I said everything I needed to say

Hey, I do feel like there is still some unresolved, unsaid things.

I hate that you thought I was ugly, and felt like you needed to share that in such a brutal way.

I'd also like to say I never thought I could enjoy mathematics, and you were able to sow that seed in my mind.

And although I know you were right to end things, as I can’t have someone in my life who feels comfortable shattering me like that, it would have been nice if things had worked out better.

I do wish you all the best with everything. And I hope that you find the things in life that are good for you.

Goodbye.

Although this message is colder, and less close to the truth, there was no need for me to shower him with compliments, and explain the depths of the pain he has caused me.

I finally realise, he doesn't deserve it.

Everything I said, was for me.

Everything I said, was for me to say goodbye

And walk more lightly, worry less about this heavy weight.

And now I can really,

Finally,

I'm so sad. I'm so sad with how everything ended.

I hate how we broke up because of things I can't change. I hate that you thought I was ugly, and felt like you needed to share that.

I feel completely devastated whenever I remember you.

When you weren't breaking my heart, you were so charming and funny and intelligent. You were perfect.

And I hate that I miss you.

I hate it so much.

However I'm grateful for what you taught me. I never thought I could enjoy mathematics, and you sowed that seed in my mind. I have never met someone who stimulated my mind so much, and I had so much in common with, despite us having completely different upbringings.

And although I know you were right to end things, as you were so cruel that I'm still reeling a year later, (and I can't have someone in my life who feels comfortable shattering me like that,) it would have been nice if things had been different.