#dear post

One of the first things I did was buy three LGBT books from Thriftbooks, after that I promptly cleaned up my cat’s puke. Perhaps this year, I will not be quiet; I will be the bitch everyone thinks I am, I will not be silently complacent with my own death and the death of millions. I will become what I need to be and what I want to be.

2 am thoughts

The pain, regret, anger, scenarios - 

the what if's, the why's, what could've been

This is where I've been. I don't think I've said much about 2014 thus far.I have had so many mixed feelings about the past 8 months. 

My longer relationship had ended. I left my apartment. I dropped all of my "friends". Dated a few different people. Traveled to many places along the east coast. Got a new job (well, second job). Moved to Philly. And lastly, my two biggest life choices: putting a title on my food choices/diet (vegan) and living a sober life, the straight edge life.

Of course veganism and straight edge life styles and life choices can open up the floor for so many different opinions. (I'll make that an entirely different post soon).

I've just felt a loneliness I haven't felt. I'm surround by new people. I'm exposed to new views. I'm living and I'm learning. I'm realizing and feeling all of my mistakes from my past. I'm dealing with guilt and regret. I'm hoping for change and this void to be filled. I'm just at a point where I've felt this completely different type of alone. It's weird to think, but this year has been the first time I've not been in a real relationship since I was 14... I don't even know what to think about that. I have spent years and years and years investing time into others, thinking it was all time well spent. Of course, I've learned from each relationship. However, time spent wasn't time gained. I have become to used to sleeping alone. Waking up alone. Getting ready alone. Living alone. Thinking alone. These are things I haven't dealt with since I was 14 years old. Fourteen. I'm an adult, and I'm coping with this in a way where I know it doesn't feel right. I've tried telling myself so many times that I don't need someone to make me happy. I don't need anyone. I just can't be alone. I know what I want more than I ever have. I know how much I can give to another human being. I know my weaknesses and how to grow. 

I would rather have attention from one person, than hundreds.

I have such a strong love to give. I want that feeling. I want someone to look at me and know I'm all theirs. To share adventures with. Trust. Stories. Fears. Photos. 

To share the same 2 am thoughts we all have.

To share them together.

To not be alone.

It's been over a year since the first and last time we met. I feel so bad that we only had a very short time to get to know each other. And for that five days, we didn't even had a really close conversation. That, because I, am a very introverted and timid kind of person.

I didn't want to join that summer workshop when my Ma asked me. But after a few pushes and persuasions my Ma made, I gave in. I said, "Fine. For five days." Anyway it was free, and I get to have five days vacation away from home. I never liked to stay at home.

My sister helped me carry my luggage the day we were going. All of us met in front of the bank where our service is waiting to bring us to our camp. And the first one I saw was you. You were bespectacled, sitting on this bench and exchanging chats to this certain friend. When we left, I had no idea what to do. I was surrounded by strangers--except for Paul and Movy whom I know in school. I was scared, because I never knew how to socialize. As I said, I'm an introvert.

But as time passes by, the people--including you--were actually nice. I sat next to Raph, and we became friends. You had your own circle of friends following around you. You were noisy and can be influenced in mischief by your friends.  I can't clearly remember all the rest that happened in the next days in detail. But If I try to think about it, I can remember things that are relevant to you.

I remember the boys having this piece of paper--like an attendance sheet--being relayed to everyone. It required to write our names, emails and cellphone numbers. Me, at that time, since I had no cellular phone, wrote my father's number[and I wasn't even still sure of that number even]. When you found out, you were a bit shocked and sort of tried convincing me to tell you my real number. What on earth should I tell you?

You always attempted to throw banat at me. But when I threw back a sarcastic one at you, you stopped. Haha! I am so mean.

When I volunteered to mash the pork when we were making chorizo, you immediately volunteered too, and Raph.

On our cultural night, I missed the pailog of candies part. I was a bit disappointed because I wanted the lollipops. Then you gave me one.

When I was playing table tennis, billiard, and volleyball you always cheered although you were in another team.

That morning on the last day, after we cleaned the garden, I was washing my hands when one of your friends came to me and told me you have a crush on me.

After playing all the sports at the last day, you tried to have a conversation with me. You asked, "Why do you move so boyishly?" I didn't answer. I don't remember saying anything back to you at all. But you went on, "That's okay as long as you're still pretty."

And when it was finally, the time to go home, I know you tried to get in the same van I am in. But your brother was there so you're going to take the ride home with him. I could see you, with somehow a regretful heart, watching us go.

And I am not sure with this one detail. Curse my memory! After packing all my things, while waiting for the van, I hugged you goodbye. I did right? <*sigh>

When you I'm on my earphones, I'm just tryin' to tell you one thing.

You are one of the most brilliant people I personally known of. Not only are you intelligent, responsible, determined, strong, brave, a perfect leader but also you are a good friend, sister and daughter to your parents.

You need not to question yourself what if's of your past. Stuffs happens. It just happen. We all know you are striving and struggling till you can't do it anymore to impress your parents. But I honor you for coming this far. No matter what, you have proven yourself in your own way. You have moved mountains. Maybe your parents never realized it because there will always be bigger mountains to come. But sometimes, you don't have to move that mountain. You can just pass over it and move on to the next.

Please do know that we understand and love you Kristina Danica P. Balanay. You have been doing great so far. You just have to continue doing what you can. You are not being punished. I'm sure this stuff is just another mountain you can move and yet to prove yourself that you are GREAT and it does not matter the ranks or the remarks on your card, long as you are doing what you can at your BEST, you have done far better than others could.