Still, it had been the first time in a while they had managed to get the whole group together at the same place. With Alex off to MIT, Gert and Chase finishing off college and Molly about to graduate high school all while Nico and Kare adapted to moving in together last year, they had been too busy for a reunion. At the same time, Nico was pursuing her own career in journalism (which had been quite a surprise to her, once she realized writing about the things that angered her was a better coping mechanism than trying to solve everything with spells) and Karolina started working towards her Sociology Masters (which did not come as surprise at all, because this girl was amazing and capable of anything).

 Because of the crazy times they had been going through, Nico had planned to have a peaceful night out with her friends at the amusement park downtown, followed by a sleepover at their old hideout, the Hostel, to blow off some steam. Of course, that didn’t go as planned thanks to some lunatic that had decided to attack LA and kidnap a bunch of kids in the middle of their night off. 

 Now, Nico was following the crazy man’s track to some abandoned warehouse (because he was a cliche like that, apparently), alongside Karolina, Molly and Chase. They had left Gert and Alex at the park, to make sure the civilians got home safe and nobody was hurt. When they finally reached the place Nico’s localization spell had pointed out, she stopped her friends in their tracks.

— Look, we don’t know much about this dude, other than the fact he’s insane enough to kidnap a bunch of kids without thinking twice. What we do know is that he seemed to know exactly what he was doing, so he may be a professional. — Nico explained, keeping her voice low while the four of them hid behind a bus stop. The sight was quite ridiculous, but the dark street provided a very welcome hideout.

— So, you think he is part of a gang or something? — Molly asked, appearing to be excited at the prospect of kicking some gangster’s ass, which did not appeal to Chase at all, considering his furrowed brow in Molly’s direction.

— He could be. Anyway, he had a whole crew and lots of guns. Be careful and don’t do anything dumb. And, yes, I’m talking to you, Chase, in case there is any doubt. — Nico reinforced, receiving a scowl from him.

— Oh, there wasn’t, baby. — Kare commented, earning a small smile from her girlfriend, despite the tense situation they were in. Chase just threw his arms up in frustration as a response.

— Just remember our main goal is to get the children back to their families before anything bad happens. Let’s go inside by the backdoor and, please, don’t forget to- 

— Stick together. — Molly interrupted. — We know it, Nico. You give away too many speeches for somebody that hates motivational stuff. — With that, she turns and leads the way to the back exit.

— Ow, I was just disrespected by a fetus. — Nico sighed, but still followed said fetus’ steps.

— Now you know how I feel. — Chase replied, shaking his shoulders.

 Their banter died down as Molly forced the door open and the four of them walked inside in complete silence. The place was pitch dark, so Karolina instinctively lightened up her hand, leading the way through an infinite amount of hallways that seemed to lead nowhere.

— Wait, I’m hearing something. — Kare whispers just when Nico was starting to lose hope of finding any clues in that place. Kare very quickly diminishes her light. — I think someone is coming, get ready. 

 Some moments after her warning, Nico manages to catch sight of a dim lantern light in the end of the hallway. Shortly after that, six men appeared, guns in hand. 

 Despite their muscles and armament, they had no time to react as energy blasts from Chase’s Fistgons hit the first two men right in their chests. Without missing a beat, Karolina flew over the fallen thugs to bring the next two to the ground as Nico attacked one of the remaining men with a restraining spell. Molly hit the last one of the men hard against the wall, leaving him momentarily unconscious. 

— Tell us where the kids are. Now. — Nico demanded the man she was holding against the wall. 

— Fuck you, bitch-

 A burst of light hit a spot near the guy’s head, leaving a massive hole in the wall. Molly let out a surprised squeal, but Nico didn’t even flinch, knowing exactly where it came from.

— You will tell her what we want to know or the next one is going right into your head. — Karolina bluffed, rainbow couloured beams of light coming out of her hand.

 Anyone who knew her could see right through her act, as Nico did, but, right there, in a dark creepy hallway with her exhilarating power consuming the whole place, it was no surprise the man was terrified of her.

 With blonde hair falling into her face, an anger-filled look on her dreamy blue eyes and incredible power radiating from every part of her body, Nico thought she looked like an avenging angel.

 Nico also thought several other things right after that, but she had to push those ideas away in favor of focusing on their mission.

— East side of the building. They are keeping the kids in the basement over there. You have to turn right in the next hallway and keep walking straight down. — The guy grunted out, visibly shaken up.

— How many people are guarding them? — Chase questioned, stiffening up.

— About twelve, but I guess you will have no problem with that. — He growled.

— Why did you take the kids? Is it to make a statement to a rival gang? — Molly seriously questioned, talking for the first time in a while, which earned a raising eyebrow from Chase. — What? I study gangs quite a lot, you never know when you will have to fight one.

— You terrify me sometimes, kid. — Chase said, deeply disturbed.

— She’s not wrong. — Their hostage said, once the hold Nico had on him tightened up. — I don’t know much, I was just paid to guard the place. All I know is the boss has some crazy guns and is trying to show off his firepower, the kids are just to attract attention. 

— As usual, kids are the ones getting caught up in the middle of adults’ bullshit. — Nico murmured, anger burning inside of her. — That’s all we need to know, let’s go. — Nico dropped the thug to the ground and whispered a spell to make him fall asleep.

— Alright, guys, let’s find them. — Karolina pleaded, holding out her hand for Nico to grab. Without thinking twice, Nico took it and guided her girlfriend and friends to the basement. They successfully avoided being seen by any other guards, managing to reach the place rather quickly, now they knew what to look for.

 Once they got to the spot where they were hiding the kids, Nico caught sight of plenty of guards gathered in front of the door. Nico signaled for the group to stop and listen attentively. They all waited together, trying to listen to the conversation being held near them.

— Is the gun ready? — One of the men questioned.

— The Boss says so. He brags it can take out any of those super powered freaks out there, anything that isn’t human. — Answered another.

— Do you believe it?

— I don’t need to believe it. Every other gang in town is going to be terrified. We are in for some good money. 

 Nico reached for Karolina without thinking twice, fear washing over her at the thought of some despicable guy harming Kare. The next thing in her mind was Molly, fearing the weapon could hurt her too due to her powers. Chase’s panic was also written all over his face when she looked up to him.

— So, what do we do? — Molly whispers, voice trembling. 

— We save the kids and get out of here. That’s the plan. — Nico answers, fearing Molly and Karolina would cross ways with a potential threat.

— We can’t let this guy keep the weapon. It could hurt people. People like me. Like Molly. — Karolina disagrees, nervously.

— This is exactly why we need to leave. We can’t put you and Molly in danger. — Chase pondered.

— Also, we don’t even know if this gun is real, the dude might just be making it up. — Nico argued back, trying not to raise her voice.

— We can’t take risks with this, Nico. — Karolina insists. There is a moment of silence where Karolina just holds Nico’s eyes on hers, letting her know she is not letting this go.

 Well, Nico realizes she isn’t either. 

— I don’t want to get in the middle of this staring contest you guys are having, but I think the guard is walking toward us, so maybe we can argue later and fight now? — Chase suggests, speaking fast as he prepared his Fistgons to shoot lasers at the upcoming target.

— Say no more. — Molly complies, eyes glowing in the dark.

 After that mutual agreement, everything becomes a blur of punches, light and loud noises as the four of them fight through the wave of thugs. 

 Once they finally reach the door, Chase blows the lock up, sweat covering his face and his breathing heavy. 

— Man, I don’t see you in this bad of a shape ever since you lost the Junior league championship. — Nico commented, earning an offended scowl from him.

— That’s low, Minoru, you know that’s the thing I’m sensitive about. 

 As Chase catches his breath, Molly screams a warning before kicking the door down. It’s all a bit dramatic and not that necessary, but Nico lets her have it. It has been a long night, after all.

 They find about fifteen very terrified kids grouped together in the dark, loud sounds of crying and screaming reverberating through the room.

— Hey, it’s okay. — Karolina softly announces, lighting up the place. — We’re here to help. — The kids amusedly stare at Kare as she shines, momentarily forgetting their current situation.

— Yes, we will get you out. Just make a line and I’ll make sure you get back to your families. — Nico asks, turning to prepare for her next speel. With a deep breath, she pictures the amusement park with clarity in her mind as she tightens her hold on the Staff. — Open the portal. — She murmurs, focusing on keeping it safe for the kids. — It’s stable now, but it’s not safe for them to cross alone. Molly, you and Chase go with them.

 The girl opened her mouth to protest at the same time Chase let out a breath of relief.

— Please, Mols. Those kids need protection, we have no idea if there’s something waiting for them at the park. They will need to be kept safe until finding their families. I’m trusting you with this. — Nico pleaded, hoping she would listen to her. Molly still looked unhappy about it, but nodded and accepted the request. 

— Hey, y’all, just stay together and follow me. — Molly said, walking through the portal right after. Chase spoke softly to the kids as they crossed it as well, only stopping when the last one was gone, following them as well. Despite that, Nico kept the portal open, fortifying it.

— Kare… You should go with them. — Despite her request, Karolina sighed, unbothered.

— I’m not going anywhere. 

— This guy is dangerous, okay? His weapon especially targets super powered people, you heard it.

— That is why I can’t let you go alone. If he can really hurt superheroes, I’m sure he can hurt witches with staffes too! — She argued back, hands crossed in front of her body.

— The Staff doesn’t count! Your power is engraved into your blood, Kare. It is too dangerous for you to stay. Also, I can handle him, believe me.

— I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but if you get hurt, we will be lost without you... I will be lost, Nico. — Karolina’s voice is shaking, which breaks Nico’s heart even more. 

— I won’t let that happen. But, even if it does, the team needs you to go and keep everyone else safe. You need to make sure these kids get back to their families and meet me back at the Hostel. I added an additional protection to the portal. It doesn’t let those who cross it come back here, keeping everyone safe. Please, just go. — Nico insisted, holding onto Karolina’s arms, trying to get her to listen. They are standing right in front of the portal right now, its purple energy beaming so strongly Nico needs to put a lot of effort into properly seeing Karolina’s face.

— Nico, no! I’m not leaving you behind, especially with no way of getting back to you. — Karolina firmly denied, sounding terrified with the idea.

— Karie, that’s not leaving me, that’s following a plan. Trust me, I would never not come back to you. 

— I do trust you. I just can’t-

 Nico stops her mid-sentence, hands gripping around her shoulders as she presses their lips together, hard and sharp. It’s not like their usual kisses, it’s not soft or slow or loving, it’s desperate and rough, just Nico sealing them together one more time before she does what has to be done.

— I love you, Karolina. Don’t forget that.

— I love-

— Also, I’m sorry. — Nico whispers, before using her tight grip on Karie’s shoulders to push her through the portal. 

— Nico! No, don’t you dare! I swear-

 Karolina’s furious scream is cut out by the portal closing.

— Please, don’t go too hard on me for this, Karie. — Nico begged the empty space her girlfriend was in until a moment ago, before turning on her heels to face her target.

§ - § 

 When Nico makes her way back to the Hostel almost an hour later, Molly is the first person to throw herself at her. Soon enough, she’s being passed around, from Alex to Gert to Chase and, finally, to receive a friendly tap from Old Lace’s tail.

 Karolina is the last one in her arms, holding her so tight Nico loses sense of everything around them for a moment. 

— Are you okay? Are you hurt, what happened? — Karolina fired the questions quickly, hands scanning her body, looking for any injuries.

— I’m fine, really. Not hurt, just really tired. — Nico assures her, trying to sound light.

— Did you catch the guy? — Chase asked next, curious.

— Yes, I did. He had a weapon that was quite powerful, but it wasn’t capable of all the things that he was told about. Someone tricked him, apparently. It could cause a lot of damage, but not to the point of harming superpowered people. I mean, at least that’s what I understood from the cops’ talks after they took him away. — Nico explained, hand rushing through her hair, trying to keep it off her face. 

— So I left for nothing? Damn it, I could have kicked his ass. — Molly complained, disappointed.

— It wasn’t for nothing! Nico made the right call. If this guy had the gun he claimed to, you could be dead right now just for crossing his way. — Gert refuted, arms around her sister in a tight embrace. Nico nodded softly to her as a way of thanking the support and Gert smiled back.

— Better to be safe than sorry. — Alex added, to Molly’s further disappointment.

— Whatever, I guess. — She muttered, arms crossed.

— Still, it took all of my energy to get him and his thugs to step down. I’m really drained. — Nico explained, breathing still irregular even now.

 As their friends discussed the night’s unexpected turn of events and planned a brunch for the next day to make up for tonight’s disaster, Karolina took the chance to lock Nico in another hug, still not saying much, appearing to be just taking in her presence.

— We will… Huh, leave you to it? — Chase suggests, his voice nothing but background noise to Nico as she buries her head in Kare’s shoulder, relief washing over her. In a moment, all her friends have dispersed through the Hostel and Karolina is taking a step away from her, cleaning her throat.

— Kare, I-

— Let’s not do this here. — Kare asks, indicating the stairs with her head. 

— Okay. Sure. — Nico complies, not sure of what to do, but still quietly following Karolina as she took them to their old bedroom. 

 Once they get there, Karolina closes the door and walks to the center of the room, nervously standing there. Karolina seems to gather herself for what she’s about to say. When she talks again, her tone is so sharp Nico feels as if her heart is being split in half.

— You’re unbelievable, Nico. What you did- I don’t even know what the hell to tell you. I was so scared for you, even more than I was mad. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you!

 Nico knows Karolina needs to get her anger out, knows she has every right to be pissed at her, but she’s too tired, too broken to do anything other than let her body take over.

 Her feet move before she even takes notice of them, arms enlacing Karolina’s waist, head fitting right under her chin.

 She listens to Karolina’s heartbeat, furiously beating because of what she did.

 Somehow, Nico is just really glad it’s even beating at all. Nico knows she put herself in danger more than anyone else in the team today, but she finds herself realizing the thing that terrified her the most was Karolina getting hurt. She didn’t think twice, didn’t hesitate, before throwing herself in the unknown, if that meant getting Karie to a safe place.

 Nico would rather do it a thousand times again if that meant Karolina would be waiting for her on the other side of it. Even if they fought, argued and screamed. 

 Karolina was all there was, as usual.

— I love you, Karolina Dean. — Nico whispers.

 Karie sighed, hands coming to tangle among the heavy locks of Nico’s hair. 

— I love you too. — Kare says it back. — I’m still mad though.

— I know. I’m sorry-

 Nico stops, breathes one time. Then, another. She runs what she’s about to say through her mind again and again. 

 Karolina waits for her, as she always does, even through Nico’s worst moments.

— I’m sorry I pushed you away. — Nico apologizes, taking enough distance for Karolina just to take a better look at her face. — I’m sorry I made you feel so worried for me, but I’m not sorry for what I did.

 Karolina is clearly confused, but still pays attention to Nico. Now, she is looking down to face her as well, which would annoy Nico if it came from anyone else, since she hates feeling so small, but it’s always quite endearing when Karie does it. The difference is that Karolina does it to make sure she never misses a single movement Nico makes, she stares at her as if Nico is something precious… Something marvelous. When Kare bows down to touch her face, when she pulls Nico towards her, it’s never patronizing… Quite the opposite actually: Every time Karolina touches Nico, she feels unchained.

 That is the one thing that prompts Nico to be truly honest about the reasoning behind her actions tonight.

— I'm not sorry for doing something stupid to keep you safe. I’m not sorry for putting you first. I’m only sorry for not letting you in. I just need you to understand that I will never stop trying to get you home safe. No matter what it takes. I promise to include you in that, though. It was shitty of me to just push you through the portal. I panicked and didn’t take the time to talk with you or respect your choice, and that’s all on me. I shouldn’t have been so reckless and stupid. — Nico was out of breath when she finished talking and Karolina was still surprisingly quiet. — Kare? Do you need some time to think? I can leave, I know you sometimes like being alone after stuff like this.

 Nico moves to leave, but Kare’s hand clasps around her wrist. She feels more than sees her body being snatched against the other woman. Karolina kisses her the way Nico has been dying to be kissed throughout this whole nightmare of a night. 

 This time, there’s no threats, fears or risks. This time, it’s just the two of them.

 When Karolina clutches Nico’s jacket and throws it across their room, she knows that means Kare was craving the same comfort from her. In a matter of seconds, Nico has gripped onto Karolina’s shirt and pulled it over her girlfriend’s head. 

 Kare knows Nico’s body as much as her own at this point, so it doesn’t take much time for her to get Nico’s shirt off and clash the two of them against their bed. Karolina’s hair is falling in a cascade, tingling Nico’s neck, but she is too busy kissing every inch of skin Kare has exposed to care. 

 Karolina is over her, but she’s also everywhere around Nico, light consuming their surroundings. Nico could watch her for the rest of her life without ever getting tired. More than that, she wants to spend forever getting to see Karolina like this, no walls up, just hopelessly opening up to Nico.

 It never fails to amaze Nico that she’s the one doing this to Karolina. That it is all her, darkness and brokenness and all, making Kare lose all control, disclosing herself in the most breathtaking way possible.

 Karolina desperately reaches for her, as if she will die if Nico isn’t closer. There’s nothing else in Nico’s mind once Kare touches her like that. 

 All there is in the world is Kare’s warmth washing over her, erasing every bit of pain and despair this night had caused.

§ - § 

 It’s pitch dark when Nico talks again, her head laying in Karolina’s chest, the two of them laying together in bed, Kare’s arms around her.

— I’m not one to repeat myself, but I really felt awful for shutting you out like that.

— I know.. I could tell it as soon as you did it. 

— I’m predictable, after all.

— Only to me. — Karolina scoffs, making Nico laugh. 

— I still feel like an idiot, though. — Nico confesses, causing Karolina to answer in a rather frenetic manner.

— You are not an idiot- Damn it, Nico. You’re everything, don’t you see? — Her voice is nothing but a whisper, but Nico still listens to it perfectly, years of secretive talkings like those preparing her to understand Karolina in any situation possible. — I can’t function without you, I can’t think, I can’t live if you’re not there. The worst part is that I’m so mad at you for doing something this crazy to protect me, but I would have done the same. I did before. Hell, I will probably do it again. 

— I get it, Kare, trust me, I do.

— I'm not sure you do, babe. — Karolina disagrees, fingers coming to trace the curve of Nico’s neck. — I was raised to obey, to comply. I was taught that to love someone meant to be loyal beyond reason. With you, though, it is the opposite of that. I don’t follow your lead because I’m forced to do it. I do so because I trust you. I put myself in risk every time you’re in danger because I can’t imagine not having you there, even though I know you would never ask that from me. I think I love you even more because I know you wouldn’t.

 Nico is not one to be left speechless, yet every single time Karolina tells her things like that, as if they’re a matter of fact, as if Nico is even deserving of that type of love, she takes a moment to convince herself this is real: that Nico is the one she loves, the only one she wants.

 So, she figures she might as well try to make Karie feel that same way.

— Marry me, Karolina. — Nico tells her, eyes locking into hers as Kare’s breath catches, shock written all over her face. — Marry me and stay with me. Fight me and love me and never leave. You’re my light, Karie. You’re my heart. I don’t want to wait any longer to ask you this. So… Will you marry me?

 As Karolina takes in the unexpected words, Nico’s heart desperately beats, terrified of what is about to come.

— Do you know that, when I fly, I can’t always see what’s ahead of me? — Karolina questions, confusing Nico, that doesn’t understand where she is going with this. Still, she’s smiling adorably, which warms Nico’s heart despite how nervous she feels.— The clouds blur my vision and I need to trust my instincts to make sure I’m not going to hit anything. I was terrified of getting hurt or falling at the beginning, but, over time, I realized that flying was part of me, that my body knew exactly what to do, even if my mind couldn’t quite understand it. My body can take over every sharp turn, every last minute deviant, before any thought crosses my mind. It's my nature.

 She stops and the look she gives Nico is so full of love that she can’t find it in herself to panic over the fact she just proposed to Karolina out of the blue. Nico listens attentively as she continues, heart pondering in her chest with every word out of Kare’s mouth.

— That’s how I feel about you. You’re my nature. I have always known you, every part of my body did, even when my mind hadn’t caught up just yet. I always knew you, Nico, more than that, I always loved you, for all the things that terrified you and amazed me. So, yes, I will marry you. I will stay with you and I will never leave because being apart from you is denying my own nature and I won’t ever do this to myself again.

 Kare is crying now and Nico notices she is too. Karolina’s hands are shaking when she holds onto Nico's face. She kisses her, her lips, her cheeks, her nose, her chin. Somehow, through the tears, Nico is also laughing, never getting tired of the soft feeling of Kare’s lips on her. 

— You’re all I have ever wanted my whole life. Sometimes I still can’t believe I have you. — Kare utters, one last kiss being laid at Nico’s forehead.

— You do. Kare, you always had me. — Nico moves fast to lay a leg on each side of Kare’s body. She holds Karolina’s delicate face in her hands, the look of awe in her eyes almost burning through her heart. — It’s just official now.

 — You really are everything, Nico. You really are. — That’s the last thing Karolina says before leaning forward to capture her lips again. 

 Just like that, Kare manages to surround Nico with her presence once more. 

Nico kept an eye on the others at all times, unwilling to lose any of them in the masses, holding Karolina's hand tight in her own.

And there were others just like them too, so many of them.

LA was certainly not terrible when it came when to it. There'd been one or two LGBTYouth posters stuck up at school and, given the size of the parade, there hadn't exactly been a lack of them, but the in neighbourhood they had lived in — rich, conservative, comfortably upper middle class, it was was the sort of thing that became gossip or brushed under the rug.

But here, Karolina was grinning so brightly, so happy, caught up in the energy of everyone, and Nico couldn't help but find it contagious.

Alex, Chase and Molly had the word “Ally” crudely written on their foreheads with Nico's black lipstick, each sporting clothes with some variation of rainbow, holding little flags which were being given out for free. Gert had three stripes of eyeshadow on each cheek, pink, purple and blue, and was applying the same colours to her hair with cheaply bought kids hair-chalks from the dollar store. She was wearing the flag, flowing behind her like a cape.

And then there was her and Karolina. They looked like a bit of an odd couple but the best kind, they figured after several people passing by had given them enthusiastic high-fives. Karolina had fake flowers braided into her hair and a little plastic tiara, different shades of shimmery pink painted on her own cheeks, wearing the lesbian flag draped over her as well. She looked stunning and brilliant and, God , Nico was so gay.

Or, well, something. She wasn't straight that was for sure.

Nico had on her usual dark witch-y get up, all black and lace and mystery and dramatic eyeliner, perhaps even amplified a little, with the spirit of everything. And when it had come to choosing flags, Nico had hesitated, and the helpful person at the stand had pointed her to the rainbow: the full spectrum of colours. Gert and Karolina had tied it over her shoulders, around her neck, and Molly had plucked a mini flag from the stand and stuck it in one of Nico's space buns.

“You alright?” asked Karolina, quickly checking over her again. “It's a bit loud, we can stand to the side a bit, if you want.”

Nico nodded quickly. She was definitely having fun, everyone was just so friendly, but it was getting a little too much.

They sent a quick text to the others and sat down on a bench, Karolina's arm around Nico's waist, Nico resting her head in Karolina's shoulder.

On the main road, the procession went on, all colours and noise, dance and music and laughter, and beautiful chaos. Chaos, disorder, freedom, variation, entropy, the natural state of the universe. All here, all celebrated. There were people kissing, people hugging, people raising their held hands in pride. There were teenagers like them; parents with t-shirts saying “I'm proud of my nonbinary child”, “I love my gay son”; even a few elderly couples, two old men, one pushing the other in a wheelchair, wearing “Just married!” t-shirts in hot pink.

Nico turned her head and leaned up to kiss Karolina on the cheek, lips tugging up into a smile.

Aside from at the Hostel, and stolen seconds in secret corners, alone on the abandoned stairway of the school at prom, they weren't usually ones for PDA. It wasn't that it wasn't exactly them, though it was really not, but doing it out in public could never not feel like a statement. And a statement was the last thing they wanted to make in their situation.

But here, where their very presence was a declaration, it was normal, a statement, still, but also an expression of love and needing and pride.

(Real pride.)

Karolina turned to face her and captured her lips in a proper kiss, soft and fierce. Nico melted inside a bit.

“I love you,” said Karolina, grinning, a blush dusting her cheeks heavily. “Thanks for having me.”

Nico laughed, throwing her head back, lost a little in the moment despite everything around them. “No, thank you,” she replied. “You're the best. I love you too.”

it still is; you’ve only said the words to gert and that was because you were plastered and she was so genuinely proud of you, excited for you. it’s not that you’re ashamed—you’re not; you love who you are and you think you’re definitely in love with nico—but it’s still hard sometimes.

all of this is running through your head really fucking fast because you’re having a movie night with your mom and she’d ordered your favorite pizza and you know that you should tell her, that dale and stacy know because they’d caught you and nico kissing in their backyard during a dinner when molly said they wouldn’t be home until later, but they had promised that you could stay with them if you ever needed.

it’s just—you’re supposed to be the perfect church girl, and you are; you’re tall and thin and blonde and you like pretty clothes and you get good grades and you are kind; nico has told you this with all the confidence in the world, and sometimes you have petty thoughts, recently you have felt a kind of anger that you never have before—but you are kind. you are good.

you’re thinking this kind of like a mantra as you walk downstairs, and your mom is setting out plates and smiles when she sees you.

you check your phone to stop your hands from shaking; you’d told your friends in your group chat you were probably going to talk to her tonight.

gert: I support you and we all love you so much! You know if you ever need someone to protest for you I’ll be there in a heartbeat

gert: Also my parents said i can pick you up if you need, just let me know. There’s tons of ice cream and also wine, I’m pretty sure they’d let us have it without even asking

gert: but ur mom is going to be cool. You got this

you roll your eyes because okay, it’s a little excessive, but she’s just doing her best and being who she is, really, and that is why you love her.

chase: love u kar !!

it makes you smile. molly texts you just a lot of rainbow themed emojis, and even alex sends you a few purple hearts.

nico texts you in your own private messages: you’re the bravest person i know and no matter what i’m so proud of you and i’m so proud to be with you

you smile and shoot back quick texts thanking all of them, and then you put your phone down and sit on a stool at the island.

‘hi sweetheart,’ she says, slides over a plate to you with pizza and a few greens on the side. ‘how was your week?’

you can’t bear to even look at your food you’re so nervous you feel sick, and you clench your hands under the island so your mom can’t see how much they’re trembling.

‘mom,’ you say, and you will your voice to be strong and steady; logically you have a wild amount of privilege in the world so even if this goes horribly wrong you’ll be really, really fine. 

she sits down next to you and takes a bite of pizza, nods.

‘can i talk to you about something?’

she sits back and looks at you seriously. ‘karolina, of course.’

you nod, clench your jaw. you had a whole speech planned but what comes out is, ‘i kissed nico,’ and it sits in the air and you’re about to start rambling and explaining but your mom just puts down her pizza and stands, steps toward you and folds you into a gentle hug, fierce and tight and soft.

you start to cry and you’re kind of embarrassed, distantly, but your mom is steady and strokes down your back a few times, eventually backs up and frets with your hair for a few seconds before smiling gently.

‘is that what you’ve been so upset about recently?’ she asks, gently but also like it’s so normal, like she would’ve asked about any boy. ‘does she not feel the same way?’

‘oh,’ you say, and feel the heat rise to your cheeks. ‘uh, no, she does. we like each other.’

your mom smiles and sits but doesn’t let go of your hands, even though they’re shaking. ‘i love you, karolina. you’re my daughter and i’m proud of you and the gender of the person you like could never change those things.’

you give her a watery little smile and when you sniffle she stands to bring you a few tissues, kisses the top of your head.

‘i had a whole speech planned, about being gay.’ your voice is rough and kind of small but you’re so relieved you don’t even care.

‘you can still give it to me, if you want.’ your mom’s offer is sincere and sometimes she’s fucking annoying but honestly she’s a good mom.

you shrug. ‘nah, it’s okay.’

‘okay.’ she rubs your back once. ‘do you want me to warm your pizza up for you?’

it’s so absurd, you think, the normalcy of all of this, the fear that had been eating away at you for weeks. ‘that’s all right,’ you say, and take a bite.

‘so,’ your mom says, turning toward you and sitting forward, dropping her voice a little conspiratorially and you almost want to preemptively roll your eyes. ‘how’s it going with nico?’

‘oh my god,’ you groan. 

‘are you girlfriend official yet?’

‘mom.’

she grins, really, sincerely grins. ‘do we need to have the talk? you’re being safe?’

you think your face is burning. ‘not that it’s really any of your business but we’re haven’t—i’m not ready. yet.’

it makes you sound so young and vulnerable and you hate it; you know you love nico and you want to have sex with her but you also want to take your time, especially after whatever happened at that party; you want it to be safe and unhurried and beautiful, for both of you.

your mom’s smile softens. ‘okay,’ she says. ‘well, if you ever need anything, let me know.’

‘i definitely will not.’

she laughs and then takes both of your plates to the couch. you sit next to her and refuse to even let her click on the lgbt movies category. you pick salt instead because you both love that movie even though you’ve seen it like a million times and your mom just gives you a little side eye when angelina comes on screen.

‘you’re way too excited about this,’ you grumble around a bite.

she pats your thigh. ‘i could tell you were holding something in for months, now, karolina—a heaviness. i was worried.’

‘oh.’

she brushes a strand of hair behind your ear. ‘you’re my child, and this is just something about you. i support you and the church does too. mostly i’m very relieved that you’re happy.’

you nod because you’re going to cry again and you really don’t want to.

you set aside your empty plates and curl up into her side like you did when you were very small, even though you’re taller than her now. she smells the same and growing up is kind of fucking terrible but this, right now, really isn’t so bad.

you text your friends quickly when she goes to the bathroom, that everything was cool, it was great even.

and you text nico: my mom was awesome. i love you

you send it before you realize that the first time you’d told her that you love her after you kissed her is over text but it’s sent now, there’s no going back. you laugh a little but she texts you back i love you too and you decide you’ll tell her a hundred times in person, a thousand, to make up for it.

you fall asleep on the couch after you’ve eaten a lot of ice cream and your mom wakes you eventually, walks you to your room.

‘i love you, karolina,’ she says, drawing you into her. ‘so, so much.’