#dealingwithlife

Playing cards

So I turned off my snooze button and just gave in. I decided to blow off work and stay in. I can’t give it a name. This feeling that has me in its grips maybe 5 times in a month when I could do nothing but succumb to its overwhelming power over my mind and emotions.

When it strikes, I don’t want to deal with people. I don’t want to be around them. I just want to stay glued to my couch and watch tv. That is all the activity it allows me to do. Sometimes I’d try to open a book or paint. But nothing compares to the satisfaction of just staring all day at the hypnotic visuals of the TV screen, getting lost in whatever world of whatever film or series I’m watching.

 - When I thought I lost my dream -

I have been watching motivational videos on YouTube lately. And I have not regretted it. There are some main points they all made: a) you have to have a goal, b) you need to keep working hard, c) you are what keeps you going and what stops you, d) there will always be hardship and adversity to overcome. Always.

That valid points aside, I came to some conclusions. I always liked learning, I always loved kowledge. And I was never afraid of working hard. Yet, I have never been successful. Ever. And I desperatley wondered why. I have not been good at school or university. Because of one thing. And I have never been more broken. So what is it? What was the thing, that made me break all over again and again, everytime I wanted to go beyond? First I thought I didn't work hard enough. Then I believed I was not good enough even though I gave it all I could. At some point, I have been so doubtful and suspicious that I thought I would never give it my all. I honestly believed it was only my fault. Everytime I failed even though I worked hard, I believed I didn't do enough. There was this voice in the back of my head that kept me from accepting defeat and moving on.

The voice said: „You lied to yourself. You never actually worked hard. You faked and pretended.“ And I never reached a goal or succeeded at something. When I got good grades I was just fulfilling an already set expectation. Nothing more that the basic. I was not proud. No one was. Not ever. So I thought a single goal achieved would not be good enough. I thought, there must be more. And when I failed I blamed myself. Because i either lied to me about my confidence, my vision or my ambition. I believed that I would alwas follow an illusion, a dream, a fairy tale that would never come true. I always said myself: „If anything you believe in would be real, you would make some headway. But you don't. You never did.“

At some point I lost my dream, my courage and my drive. I lost what I believed in. I doubted my chances, my ambitions, my goals and myself. I never quitted and never gave up. I went and followed what has been my path. But I struggled. I knew at some point that I had not given it my all. That there was more, that I could do, if I wouldn't fail myself, as usual. At the other corner of my mind, I was terrified. I didn't succeed. And I just could not work harder. I was swimming against a current, that simply was too strong. I felt powerless and blamed myself for it. If I hadn't stopped, if I just kept pushing, I would have found a way out. But I knew that giving more was impossible. I had the power and ambition. Within me there was everything I needed. But I could not utilise it. It was a doubled checkmate in a chessgame against myself. It felt and still feels terrible. So what is the point? Why am I telling you this?

Because I hope I found the solution I was looking for. The one little loophole in the game. It might help you. And I know it won't be easy. But we will try. My problem, the chains that held me down, was my lost dream. I don't know where or why but I stopped believing in my goal. I lost my desire to achieve it for whatever reason. And I did not go to my limits, because I felt it would be like Sisyphos, rolling a rock up a hill, knowing it will fail. And suddenly I wondered why I never made it even close to the mountaintop. Why I could not fight anymore. I was lost in frustration and despair and the rock I moved kept rolling down faster and faster. I failed to see the point in my work and dreams and did not realize it. I failed without a reason to win. At some point I was afraid of even trying, it caused so much pain. But I never stopped and it became torturing more and more.

But now I know. Now I understand. I need to believe again. In myself. In my vision. In everything I am and want to be. Because I am worthy. Because I deserve it. Unconditionally.

Then I will see, that even if the rock tumbles down again and again, I will still conquer a mountain everyday. I will reach a peak and go back down to reach another. And I will do it for the view from the top. The air and breeze that will fill my lungs, the sunsets and flowers on the way. And I will believe again that nothing ever goes to waste. And in the end, I will be alive again.